Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

The first thing Surf tells me this morning when he comes online.

His date for tonight cancelled.

GOOD! DICK. He's not made fuck all for plans with me.

I am so sick of this shit! Why the fuck am I getting so sucked in to some fucking nerdy, ass hat wearing little boy!?

FUCK HIM.

I said it made me feel like a pile of garbage because he's not made any time over the past MONTH to see me despite texting me and trying to chat with me online every single day. He got pissed off at ME for GUILTING HIM and logged off.

I'm sick of his amateur dramatics. I'm tired of trying to talk to him like an adult and getting fighting in return.

I wish I could be done with him. I should have stuck with dumping him! WTF I've not even SEEN him since then so there's no fucking difference.

I tired of this boy. I'm tired of feeling bad because he'd rather be with anyone else but me even though he strings me along like a little puppy. I guess it would make me feel pretty good about myself too if some awesome, super cool, hot guy liked me. But I'd never be so callous as to not even take into account their feelings. And he knows I have feelings for him.

He said he'd never intentionally hurt me, but I think repeatedly unintentionally hurting me is bad enough.

THIS IS POINTLESS.

Hoorhey and I have been texting back and forth a few times a say, that is, he sends me a playful, flirty text and I play along.

He's a sexy guy, open, confidant been through some stuff and genuinely seems to have taken the best from the situations he's met with. He has a upbeat personality and we get each others silly jokes. Mostly.

It's odd because although I am now aware of the fact that I had never properly dated a black guy before Hoorhey(I had accepted several numbers and gone round to the guy in my building, who is black) I didn't feel weird about it at all. He's very easy to get along with.

So do I see myself touching his junk?

Not sure.

If I'm honest, I'm thinking about Surf. But I LOVE being able to date! I LOVE going out at any point in time and knowing that I could meet someone, anyone and anything could be possible, you know? I've never had this feeling before. And it's being slightly ruined, not gonna lie, by thoughts of a boy who doesn't like me.

I sent him a text during the thunderstorm yesterday; something about missing one hell of a storm.

Every time Surf and I have seen eachother, there's been a thunderstorm. I'm not sure if it has anything to do with me or not to be honest. Not consciously anyway.

He's on gchat but not msn, we last used gchat but we always previously used msn. I didn't message him, just sat there idle for 25 or so minutes. STILL nothing from him so I logged off gchat.

I don't know why I leave it up to him.

Sunday morning. Hella awful out. I thought it was Monday today as I stayed in last night and watched TELLY!I NEVER watch telly. SRSLY.

I'm meat to spend the day with Sarie and E. We wanted to take E to the park to play but, like I said, it's fucking gross out there. The forecast is 31c and partly cloudy. Instead it's cool and humid and looks like buckets are about to come down.

My weight seems to fluctuate between 144 pounds and 153 pounds for months now. I like being 144. I endeavour to be 135 BUT whenever I get to the lower end, my bum and tummy still look too big and the rest of me looks a bit skeletal (IMO).

Since I've lost the weight, my skin has been tightening a lot more than I had though it would. Because the surgeries needed to get rid of the excess skin on my tummy, ass, thighs, arms and to fix (lift or implant) my breasts isn't covered in Canada like it is in the UK if you lose the weight, I have to wait until I can afford it to have it done. The plastic surgeons I've seen have confirmed what I have researched myself, the extra skin on my body can weight between 20-35 pounds. SO, even though I appear overweight on the BMI scale I'm actually in a healthy weight range. I JUST NEED TO KEEP TONING. And praying my skin will keep tightening!

I've finished the second part of the Career Planning workbook from the employment centre. After talking it out with Sarie, and D on Monday when I broke down and cried, and thinking long and a little hard about this, I think I may concider taking a one year cosmotology and hairdressing course. I know I'd enjoy it and I also know I'd be good at it. After all, I've been cutting and dying my friends hair since I was 13.

I just sort of feel like I am setting my sights too low? Does that make sense? I wonder if I am not aiming low so I have less chance of failing. Could I really become a psychologist? I'd LOVE to tinker and learn about the people and why they do the things they do because of emotion, but can I see myself dedicating the better part of the next decade to it?
Maybe?
Anyway, Now that I have finished the second part of the workbook I can go in to discuss furthering my education and what jobs will be the best suited to me.

Florist
Whore
Cocktail Waitress
Pharmacist
Chauffeur
Chef
Lounge Singer (does rockband count?)
Mommy

My hair is growing back. People have suggested I start a No Doubt tribute band. Meh.

OK so yesterday I'm in the grocery store across the street and the guy from my building is there. And he asks me where I've been, what I have been up to, why I didn't wat to just have a one night stand (!), tells me he has a girlfriend who is at his place a lot (!)... I'm like, seriously buddy!? What the f-word!? I tell him I am not interested and that I'm not longer looking to date new men, just wanting to concentrate on MY life and getting my shit together. He said that that was a shame as I look like I'd be quite dominant in the sack. OMG. I put my earphones back on and peaced out right about then. What a noob.

Surf texted me at midnight. I had texted him once Friday night walking home at 3 am after eating my baby cone from McDonald's. It said:

I just licked an ice cream cone and thought of you

So he replies at midnight SATURDAY night:

Did you happen to have gotten it all over your face? (He has a fantasy about wanking onto my face. Technically he has ALREADY cum on my face the second time I blew him as it went everywhere, but he says that doesn't count and wants me to be looking up at him, mouth agape waiting expectantly and impatiently for him to rub his gorgeous cock and cum all over my face.)

I said:

Na but I'm sure you can imagine me lapping it up...

His text actually woke me up and even though I had been exhausted before that, I was wide awake. I had half a roast beef sandwich, 2 cookies and a pint of water and watched another episode of Mad Men, which I had been watching earlier.

He never texted me again

I'm so nervous to see him again. This Tuesday it will have been a MONTH since we've seen eachother. How can this work? I trust the things he says and maybe I don't believe in my heart that anything is 'forever' so essentially we think that same thing; we will not be together forever. However, the more I learn about Surf, the more I want to know. I don't just want to fuck him, I don't just want to get to know the facts about him. I want to makes TIMES with him! I want to go out, get drunk, get into mischief! I want to whisper to him in a movie, touch his thigh and make him hard in a restaurant... haha We've never even been on a date. Always me going to his place.
OMG He REALLY DOESN'T like me does he!? I don't understand why he can't just be honest if this is just about a booty call. I've been honest with him about that being all I was originally up for. Why does he insist on trying to make us best friends too? I hate this game. I'm for sure losing.

Oh Surf!

We got to chatting on Msn yesterday. He said he felt like I'd be avoiding him (online). I suppose I had been. Mostly because our conversations are so broken and pointless as he's at work and I'm home with the kid so whats the point? We usually end up making things worse rather than better.

But yesterday we had a good chat. We even switched it up and used the web cam. He's so fucking sexy on cam, at work, me talking, him listening on earphones and typing his responses.

But before that, we made some headway:

SURF: what's the problem. why the big drama ITS OVER thing
ME: it wasn't drama. you took it that way. for me it was just a 'peace out'
SURF: your actions say different from your words to me
ME: you keep trying to get me involved emotionally, tell you secrets, etc
SURF: peace out I don't want to fuck you? peace out you suck get out of my life? I never understood what you were trying to do
ME: I'm not good at that and can't see the point
ME: I was saying goodbye
SURF: why? you made me feel like I failed you somehow or upset you.
SURF: I was so confused
ME: aww muffin!
SURF: I tried to talk to my brother about this to see if he could make sense of it. He told me it sounded like things are totally fucked and I should walk away.
ME: yes, LO LO (told me the same thing) too
SURF: so both our friends give shit advice
ME: I don't know what you think is going to happen here though. I keep trying to talk to you about it, cus whatever we have IS going to end
ME: or change
SURF: that's fine
ME: well, talking about it helps me prepare...
SURF: let nature takes it course. why are external influences dictating this crap?

THIS BOY IS CONFUSING! But he think I AM!?

SURF: so because I had my phone downstairs charging you decided to peace out?
ME: not entirely, the phone, the facebook message
SURF: which I didn't get until the next day (I SENT IT SATURDAY, HE READ IT MONDAY!?)
ME: the fact that I clearly am more involved in this than you are
ME: a lot of stuff
ME: and I thought you didn't care
ME: at all
ME: so why would it make a difference
SURF: if your too involved and my involvement isn't enough for you then there lies the problem.
ME: yes
ME: but
ME: not really cus even if you wanted more, I don't.
ME: I just like liking you. I've not liked anyone for a long time and its reminded me that I CAN! I was a little worried I'd used up all those feelings
SURF: I've met people who are mentally fucked. socio path, other mental disorders. you don't have them. you're just so complicated I feel like you're a martian sometimes.
ME: wtf THAT'S YOU, not me!
SURF: NEGATIVE
ME: LMAO
SURF: well.
ME: uhhh yeah
SURF: yea me too
ME: hahah jesus! I'm straight up! how am I complicated??
SURF: like me, your words differ from your actions

{sigh}
He teased me with thoughts of him staying in the city this weekend (he is with his family at some gathering up north) but it was only a tease. I know he's as keen as I am to just see eachother, make up etc. That's a good feeling.

I went on a trip with my Brazilian again last night. We met up with a guy I met on a Toronto personal ads for friends who want to trip out together. He didn't have any MDMA so he sold us some mushrooms and some super wicked awesome weed.

We went to an art gallery (a friend of the Brazilians) and enjoyed the art. Then we went to the park and ate the mushrooms. They were so gross just the taste alone made me decide I was unlikely to ever eat them again.

But then they kicked in! Man are mushrooms high and lo! One minute the world is amazing, the next you're paranoid or focusing on something stupid, like how f-ing cold it was last night despite is being 'summer' in Canada!

Anyway, we went to Lo Lo, Sarie and Marcys and danced there for awhile before my Brazilian got a little too tripped out and I had to go find him. Then we all met up with ANOTHER friend of mine and rocked out at 751 (a club a friend of ours DJ'S at) for a few hours.

Marcy and I had some great, movie moments last night. We used to get on like a house on fire but I think I stopped trying to get on with him and we no longer have that great back and forth. I was on mushrooms though so I was a dynamite social butterfly. on my best behaviour and flirting like a mad thing.

It was a great night all around. I didn't have anything more to drink then water, which feels good and this morning there are no after effects from the mushrooms. Just a good body feeling from dancing like a mad thing for hours...

Bryan came over when I was a little sketch on Sunday night. Lo Lo had promised to have a sleepover with me but she finally texted me at 10 pm to say she wasn't coming. I kinda lost my shit on her as it was the third time this weekend she's bailed on me at the last minute. She sent back a pretty pissed off text about havign a life and shit to do and I haven't spoken to her since.
SO I asked Bryan to come round and watch a movie. He didn't get here until after 11 pm. We went for a walk to get some food that might appeal to me (oreo ice cream sandwiches, sugar cookies, ice team etc.) then walked back to my flat. I hadn't eaten properly in days and was starting to feel a bit weak.

Bryan is very tall and very sweet, standing 6'6, with piercing blue eyes and very dark brown hair. He gently touches me in the grocery store; kisses me head in the elevator.
We watched a lot of telly whilst I had a couple of drinks.
THEN, and only because it came up on telly and I asked him, did he admit that it was HIS BIRTHDAY!! How he neglected to mention that was beyond me! He said he didn't want to guilt me into a date. Silly boy! I felt so bad!
I asked him to sleep over after that. We cuddled and made out for hours. He has a massivly thick cock I was a bit intimidated by, not gonna lie! HAHA.
I didn't sleep with him.. I really just needed the closeness and wasn't willing to add another 'number' to my list of men I've nailed. Which is currently at 7.

B,the X, the pilot, trev, Surf, reiki guy, and Dave.

I spent the rest of the day recuperating and chilling out. I hoolahooped for hours and hours and danced and just enjoyed being home alone.

I did NOT work at ALL on my resume or at getting a job this weekend, which was meant to be my sole reason for staying in the city whilst the X and E went to my parents house. {sigh}
I'm feeling pretty low about myself...

The magic 8 ball said that Surf would make first contact again yesterday for certain and he did. He texted me and send me a message on msn. He said he had been thinking about me the night before and that the two weeks was well and truly up.
"Is that how long it takes for you to miss me?", I asked.
"Haha no. That's what you said when you left last time... C U in 2 weeks..."
"I said a month", I said. I got no reply.

When I came online awhile later, he said, "it feels strange that we hardly ever see eachother."
This is very odd for Surf as us not seeing eachother is his choice, not mine.
I played it cool, "yeah. That's nothing new though."
"Yes it is!", he said, " We used to speak everyday."

He's right. I asked him OT to contact me everyday, saying that it was unnecessary and just added more confusion to our already odd relationship.

But I miss him, even in the confusion of written messages.

I miss hy heart racing when I see it's his name on my phone. I miss thinking he's thinking about me.

I agreed to meet Hoorhey at Jack Astors for drinks/dinner hoping that Surf would text me to come over anyway. I'd have ditched anyone I was with to see Surf at this point. Sad really...

Hoorhey was funny. I spent too much on drinks but had a nice time with him. I didn't feel unbelievable sexual attraction but still could see how good looking he was. About 5'8, black (Guyanese), shaved head, gorgeous mouth and teeth.
We had a few laughs, I apparently showed him a nipple by accident and we peaced out around 10 pm so he could catch his train home.

I got a text a few minutes later walking home saying he actually missed his train and another one wasn't due for an hour but I ignored it and walked home anyway. I'd run out of things to chat with him about really...

When I got in I texted him to say I'd just got the message and I was sorry he'd missed it. Then I got into a major spat with the X. He'd cut off my internet (and has again right now as well, I'm writing this in notepad to be uploaded at a later date!) and was
pissed off at me because I don't keep this place obsessively clean like I used to keep our house in the UK.

Basically, he feels used for money, which he is, however, I feel that I am entitled to the child support/alimony that I am/will receive and he is pissed off about it. In my head, he deserves what he gets as he is still an emotionally abusive asshole, trying to get me to lose my temper so he can use it against me later. He tells me how stupid and useless and all manner of things that I am in an attempt to break me down. I can't believe I was ever in love with him! He is killing ANY love I ever had for him;

Right now, I could watch him die and not be sad.

Sad but true.

Anyway, he completely emotionally drained me. He agreed to hook up the net again if I would leave his room and let him sleep. It was almost 12:30am by now.
I stole a bowl of weed off of him and let him go to bed.

Jays was online. He's a super hunky blond guy I met ages ago on pof but had never met in person. Jays looks very straight, is major financial advisor, lives down the road from me and smokes weed! I told him I was stressed and that i had just punked a bit off of the X. He invited me over. I really needed cheering up so I tidied up my teary face and hopped on my bike.
I picked up a pack of smokes on the way and brought a vodka rockstar and some fireball whiskey.

When I got to his building, the security guard asked me the last name of the person I was visiting. I said, "His name is [blank]? I should probably know his last name, eh?" Oh man.

Anyway, we had a good night! We chatted for hours, smoked all the weed we had and laughed at silly things. Jays is full of stories he wants to write down and publish. He told me a few online dating horror stories that made me laugh my ass off. Mostly about clingy hoors wanting much more then he offered... He wasn't really anything like I imagined him to be but was actually MORE interesting. Tall, blond, blue eyes, built like a rugby player without all the busted up bits, thick thighs {swoon!} and a dynamite Peter Pan smile.
Somewhere around 3 he asked me to join him in bed. We hadn't even touched before this point except for me to maybe tickle him. I went and we chatted even more.

It was when I was tickling his ribs after telling me another tall tale that he finally kissed me. Soft and a bit wet. Not overly amazing but very nice. Lost of kissing, touching, laughing, joking. I told him I don't have sex with men I've just met and I maintained that stance for at least an hour until my knickers were so wet he was practically slipping inside of me. I'd thought about it enough at this point to know I wanted to fuck him and wouldn't have any regrets like with Reiki guy.

My only hesitation was Surf. I'd joked a month ago about how he was the 5th guy I've ever slept with but since the last time I'd seen him I'd racked up 6, 7 and 8. His face was shocked and when I said I was joking he laughed his ass off.
But now it's TRUE! After Surf there was Reiki guy, Dave and now Jays. That's still only 8! That's not a slutty number yet, is it? What about if you think about that fact that 6 of those are since March?

Anyway, we fucked for hours! He made me cum 2 times. I kept waiting for him to cum but he'd go slightly soft. He said he DID cum at one point but I was wondering if he just said that. He could have kept going after that but I bounced. It was almost 5 am. I teased him about being my new boyfriend and introducing him to my parents next week and laughed my ass off.

I told him about Surf and how it made me feel guilty because I like Surf and want him to like me.

Really though, I don't know what's happening with Surf. He's hot, he's cold. I'm sure he's falling for me one day and the next I'm convinced he doesn't care at all.

Of course, one of the first things he told me about himself is that he is like 2 different people sometimes...

So a few texts from Surf... nothing has been fixed. I called him Sunday night for the first time ever without texting to ask if he was free first. He was at his friends cottage with a bunch of people. I got jealous of them for getting to be around him! Silly really. It was a 2 minute long conversation which culminated in him telling me he'd talk to me when he got back to the city. He texted me Monday morning to say that the party had been crazy etc. and that he wouldn't be home till late.

I fucked up with him. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I would do just about anything to have him feel the same way about me.

So Saturday I killed my thoughts of Surf with MDMA and sunshine. My friend Peter and I tripped out in the sun down at the harbourfront. We ended up getting the MDMA from a guy I met online who said some friends left it there and that if we wanted to go get it, we could have it. I was like, wtf, srsly? Whats the catch?

Anyway, we met the guy, he was cool, he gave us the drugs and told me about his group of weekend friends who just do mdma and dance one night a week. I was very interested...

I don't know if anyone reading this has taken MDMA but the high on half a pill is amazing! Everything you touch is softer, more interesting and you get a perma smile and you FEEL happy! Peter and I wandered in and out of art exhibits and art installations, through the crowds of brown people (it was the Carabana Festival) and around the waterfront.

Lo Lo was meant to come out with Peter and I but she bailed at the last minute.

Peter and I ended up going to the Social and dancing all night. I met some guys from Montreal and ended up going back to the village with them to chill in their hotel room. The original guy I met admitted that 3 of the 4 had girlfriends (despite 3 of the 4 trying to hit on me) so when we got to the hotel he peaced out and went to bed. Then the other two spoke hurried, muffled french and then ran off to the convenience store whilst the last guy, the guy with the drugs, stayed.

The druggie guy says, in a heavy french accent, "So, de hav no condom, I ave no condom, I go to concierge, day ave no condom... I send them to the store to but condom!"

I was like, wtf?

"Um, I'm not going to sleep with you!" I said as he was laying on top of me. The mdma makes people REALLY touchy feely!

"Why not? Do you not think I am sexy?", he looked shocked that I'd said no.

I explained that I wasn't the sort of girl who picks up boys from out of town, follows them back to their hotel rooms and nails them. He seemed to respect that but did ask me like 30 times if I would have a shower with him.

We fell asleep in each others arms around 7 am. I woke up at 8:45 and hauled ass out of their before any of them could wake up. I HAVE NEVER LOOKED WORSE FOR WEAR IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! I hadn't eaten properly in days (as I was off weed) and an all night drug and dancing session didn't help.

This is how he looked when I left... like a little angel...

I took the subway home to meet Peter who was sleeping on my couch, the little angel! he hadn't known what bed to sleep in!

We spent the day wishing we had some weed, me still tripping out on the early morning mdma and watching pay per view. It was a nice day....

The stupid fucking magic 8 ball is still adamant that Surf and I will never have sex again. Can you believe we still haven't spoken? Goddamn it. I'm giving him his space.. doesn't mean I can't remind him of what he's missing...

*********************

We're running to catch a train late one night. The doors are closing as we just slip in and we laugh to ourselves slightly drunkenly. The train is pretty full. You grab a seat and I playfully sit on your lap. You wrap your arms around me and we smile and chat about our night and the girl sitting across from us who is clearly passed out.

Sitting on your lap is making me a bit squirmy and I struggle to sit still but I must not be very good at it because I feel you start to adjust your slowly growing cock beneath me. I am wearing a layered white skirt which is spread over us like a fluffy white cloud so no one notices when I reach my right hand behind my back and under my skirt to touch the bulge in your pants.

I run my fingers lightly against the material struggling to keep your thick cock contained. You moan in my ear so desperate to be touched and just your breath against my neck instantly makes me wet.

You wrap your arms around me in such a way that it just looks like we are cuddling with me on your lap. It's pretty late at night and the majority of the people on the train look as intoxicated as we are and don't seem to be paying attention as I slowly unzip your pants.

You try to stop me but I manage to unzip and slip your cock out under my skirt and lightly stroke the shaft before you can grab my hand in such a way that won't bring attention to my naughty act.

You moan against me and I turn my head to see your eyes close. You struggle to open them again and remain composed.

"What do YOU think you're doing?" You ask playfully, running the tip of your tongue along my ear lightly.
"Shhh. No ones looking..." I say running my fingers lightly over the head of your cock.

You take one of the hands that is wrapped around me and put it under my skirt from behind. The skirt is acting like a blanket, shielding us from being caught out.
You hand goes between my legs from behind. As soon as your fingers brush against my damp lacy knickers I moan and can no longer sit still. I notice a man to the right and across from us is watching with a mocking smile but I'm beyond the point of caring. I try to grind my pussy against your hand and you let me for a moment, kissing the back of my neck, all the while I'm trying to remain composed and NOT moan or close my eyes.

My right hand is behind my back, slowly stroking your cock and squeezing it. I want to lick it, suck it, take it all in my mouth but know I can't. It's driving me crazy to have your thick dick in my hand! Your fingers are playing with my clit through my wet knickers now and the excitement of you touching me with so many people around is making my clit throb.

We do this for a few minutes, me stroking your cock faster then slower, you teasing my pussy from behind. You see the man who is watching us now but I think we've both gone beyond the point of caring. He is smiling anyway...

At the next stop as people are getting on and off, I lift myself slightly so it looks as though I am still sitting on your lap when I am actually a few inches above it under the skirt. In an instant you've used your hand under my skirt to pull my knickers to one side and position your dick right outside the opening to my cunt.

'Are you sure?' You whisper in my ear. I don't reply, I just sit slowly down on your massive throbbing cock and feel you bite the side of my neck to remain composed. I am so wet it slips right into my tight pussy and I half moan/half yelp at finally feeling you fill me.

We sit there like that without moving for what seems like an eternity, both of us desperately wanting to fuck hard but both of us now painfully aware that we are on a train full of people. We shutter against eachother...

I can feel your dick twitching inside me and I can't sit still any longer. I start to grind my hips back and forth, slowly riding your cock. Your arms are wrapped around me and you begin to move me up and down as you like. Your lips run up and down my neck. I want to kiss you so badly!

I pretend to be pointing at something out the window at the next stop so that I can bounce up and down on your thick cock for a moment. This seems to push you a little too far though because you don't stop the motion when the train starts again. You just keep rhythmically slipping in and out of my pussy. I've also stopped caring who may or may not be watching and am only aware of you, and me and your cock stretching my pussy and making me feel like I am going to explode!

You need it faster. A few people have noticed the unmistakable motion of fucking but oddly no one looks upset. A couple to our left is blatantly watching you penetrate me and I can tell that it is making them both quite excited.. We look at the woman for a moment and you start to thrust hard and deep into me. She blushes a little and I can see her partners pants getting tight.

For some reason knowing that other people are getting turned on by us is making it even more hot. I know you are so close to cumming and we're 2 stops away from your place so I lift myself off of you a few inches, again under the skirt so you can fuck me faster. You reach your hand under my skirt again and begin to rub my clit.

The closer I get to cumming, the more I bend over arching my ass towards you. I can feel you getting closer and closer. You've made eye contact with the woman watching us and I can tell it's making her hot. The guy she is with keeps re-adjusting his pants and whispering things in her ear, never taking his eyes off of us.

One stop left. There are only a handful of people left on the train at this point and near enough all of them seem to be aware that we are fucking, sneaking glances and getting red faced. I no longer care where I am and the feeling of needing to release takes over. I start to stand and you stand with me automatically, desperate to keep your cock hidden deep inside my tight wet cunt.

Much to the amazement of the people around us, I bend over and you instinctively start to fuck me, hard and deep. Neither one of us is holding back now and I am aware that we have less than a minute before we get to our stop. I grab your hands and stick them up under my shirt. You cup my tits hard and start to fuck me even faster, harder, still watching the women across from us and her watching in complete fascination. I'm getting closer and closer, I stop swallowing down the moans and let them all come out. As soon as you hear me whimpering you bite my neck again and I feel you start to cum. Feeling that familiar motion sets me off.

I scream,"Oh FUCK Ohhh Fuck YES!" as I feel you shooting a massive load into me. EVERYONE is watching us now but oddly, no one seems to be offended...
We stay entwined for about 10 seconds before the train comes to a stop feeling the aftershocks and both of us watching the other couple watching us.. You quickly slip out of me and zip up your pants. My skirt falls down, hiding my wet knickers and we run from the train giggling.

Tonight was a write off! I got a a message on my computer when I came upstairs from seeing the kid and the X off for their weekend at my parents house up north. It said, "S.O.S. PLEASE CALL ME!" from a guy I met online but wasn't into so stayed friends with but had never met in real life. He was meant to be on a repeat date with a girl who had stood him up the week before. She hadn't showed again! He was a couple of blocks away he said. Not what I wanted to be doing but he sounded upset so I invited him round.
Long story short, the guy was an asshole and was mostly mental. It took me a bit to realise this though as I just assumed he was stressed at being stood up yet again.

Turns out he was just an aggressive jerk. He was nice enough TO me, but the things he said about other girls he's dated... the lies he's told, OMG. He kept ordering me drinks. I just wanted to peace out. By 11:30 I went one way and he went the other and I thanked my lucky stars I was rid of him!

I went out with Budd Guy again yesterday. I had given him the green light to make a move but we spent the entire day together and I really wasn't feeling it. He's so lovely and cute and has such a sexy voice but I need someone who CAN take control of me and this guy clearly can't. I'm finding out more and more than timidness turns me off.

Anyway, I could see that he was sticking around and sticking around, waiting for an opening. He was meant to peace out around 5 and come 8:30 he was still here but needing to leave. I took pity and walked him down to his car. When we got there he was ready to leave but I went over and hugged him and nuzzled his neck and said, "I had a really nice day!". And then he kissed me. It was nice, but too little too late.

(sigh)

Still nothing from Surf.

I sent a txt to Surf asking him to txt me when he was free as I knew he had a friend staying over and that I didn't want to intrude but wanted to call him.

He woke me up at midnight. I called him. He was drunk. We had a discussion where I tried to explain things to him. No, I wasn't tryign to hurt him. No, I wasn't trying to manipulat ehim. I honestly thought he didn't care enough to respond to me so why sould he care if i walked away from it?

He cared. He's seems really hurt and I don't knopw how to make it up to him. Also, a small bit of me thinks he either wanted an excuse to break free or likes drama. Either way I am unimpressed. Knowing he is pissed at me makes me feel shitty. The magic 8 ball says Surf and I will never have sex again BUT I could change that future by making some gesture. So I sent him a dirty story. I don't know why... I wanted him to know I want him.

*********************

I'm sitting on the northbound train at night alone, smiling in anticipation.
I'm on my way to see you.
I know with some certainty that I will feel you naked in the next few hours. The more I think about it, the more I squirm a little in my seat. Doesn't matter; I'm alone but for a guy across from me who hasn't opened his eyes once since I boarded at the train station.
I let my mind wander to the things I've missed since last seeing you.
Your smell, the way you taste... that gorgeous cock.
I'm at my stop. Buddy still doesn't open his eyes which is good because I have to adjust my skirt and my knickers are wet.

I walk quickly to your house. You are sitting outside waiting for me and when our eyes meet we both grin.
You open your arms and envelop me. I press my lips against the side of your face, your neck breathing you in. You smell so sexy, like clean sheets and that unmistakable smell of boy. I press myself hard against you and run my fingers down your back to your ass and squeeze it with both hands. You take my hand and lead me inside.

You always make me wait. You offer me a drink. I sit down. You sit beside me. I stare longingly at you whilst you flick through channels. I cuddle up next to you and begin to run my fingers lightly up and down your thighs, first in top of your shorts and then slowly easing my fingers inch by inch higher, then all the way back down again, then slightly higher up the inside of your gorgeous thighs. I can feel your pants getting tighter and it makes me smile. You are looking down at me as I slide down the couch a little so I am laying beside you but my head is level with your stomach. I lift up your shirt, desperate to touch your skin. I smell your chest and you sit up so I can slide your shirt off.

You are so gorgeous. Smooth skin speckled with moles and freckles. I love running my hand up and down your body feeling each little dot and wanting to kiss each one. But my face is elsewhere. My mouth is opening slightly against the bulge in your shorts. I find the tip with my tongue and run it over it. You moan and smile and continue watching me and my hand slides up the inside of your leg, under your shorts, under your pants to you lovely soft balls and fantastic hard cock.

I only touch it lightly, almost a whisper. I feel you arch yourself against my wanting to be touched so badly. I undo your shorts and you list yourself so I can slide them and your pants off together.

You are laying naked beside me. I sit up and take my shirt off as you watch. I move up the couch now, level with you and press myself against you.

You kiss me hard as I take your shaft in my hand. Every time I hold it it brings a smile to my face! Thick, long gorgeous. You have the most amazing cock I've ever seen. I love running my fingers along it, feeling you contract and push against me, desperate to feel something wet against it.

The kissing gets more passionate. I can feel how dripping wet I am. I take your hand and put it under my skirt, moving the knickers to one side, your finger touched my wet pussy and I arch hard towards it. I am so desperate to feel any part of you inside me I feel like I am going to burst. You tease the outside of pussy for a few seconds but you can see how badly I need a finger or two inside of me. So you slowly slip the tip of one finger in and I moan loudly. I push against you and you slide another finger in to the tip as well. You like how wet you've made me and you can imagine sliding into me, slippery and tight.
I rotate around that, with your fingers still inside of me, I can get my mouth on that tasty cock of yours!

I slide down and put my face between your legs, breathing in deeply. I LOVE the smell of your balls. I lick them lightly, slowly working my way up to the base of your shaft. You continue to slowly slide a finger in and out of me, pulling it out only to wet my clit and run it a little. You want you cock in my mouth or pussy so bad you are beginning to get impatient. You slap me hard on the ass. I slide my tongue along the tip of your cock.. You slap me again and I take the whole tip in, sucking it heartily. Another hard smack and your cock is deep in my mouth and I'm eagerly lapping up your pre cum, which tastes better than fresh honey.

I suck and lick and suck and tease that amazing cock of yours, getting you so close a couple of times that I worry you will cum and the fun will be over.

And then you grab me, obviously through with the teasing. You walk to the kitchen and start pouring yourself a glass of water. I'm out of breath and parched as well so I follow you. You gulp down half the glass and hand it to me out of breath. I can't take my eyes off of your sexy naked flesh or the rock hard dick that's pointing at me mockingly.

And then you grab me by both hands, spin me around and bend me over the counter top! You hold my arms behind my back with one and hand use the other to lift up my skirt and penetrate me in one smooth motion. I am so wet you glide right in and feel my cunt tighten hard on your thick cock.

I moan loudly and you cover my mouth with your free hand. Someone else is in the house asleep. We have to be quiet. I bend over as much as I can. arching my ass towards you and you start fucking me hard, deep. It hurts a little but it's a good hurt. I love when your thick cock stretches my pussy...

I struggle to get my hands free and when I do my right hand goes straight to my clit. You whisper something dirty 'yeah, that's right! run that juicy pussy...' which drives me wild. I love hearing your moans and whispers of, 'oh god, oh fuck yes...'

You take your free hands and cup my tits. Periodically pinching my nipples hard to listen to me moan.

I'm close to cuming. I can feel my pussy tightening even more against your cock and I want it harder. You know I do and smack me hard on the ass again which makes a loud slapping noise at the same time I scream, "FUCK! Oh, FUCK! I love the way you fuck me...ahh I love your cock.. oooh yes harder..."

You can feel me getting close. You want to cum at the same time as me. Your breathing is even faster now, I turn my head to look you in the face as you are fucking me from behind. You kiss my cheek, my lips. You cock goes deeper, harder..."come on you dirty little bitch. Cum on my cock!' You whisper and send me over the edge. I start to cum hard, loudly and the sound and feeling sends over the edge as well.
You feel yourself releasing and shuddering against me as my pussy tighten and contracts with waves of orgasm which goes on for a few minutes.

I lay hunched against the counter, you laying against me, spent but I don't want your dick out of me yet. I love the way it feels, slowly twitching and sending rippling shockwaves throughout my body.

I love fucking you too. You drive me wild. The way you smell, the way you act. The dirty looks and the sillyness. Almost every bit of being near you to me is foreplay. I can't be near you and not wanting to touch you, taste you, hold you naked, smell every bit of you, touch every freckly, every mole, make you happy, make you moan, make you cum.

*********************

Here it is, 1:22 am and nothing from him.

Surf and I messaged eachother at the same time today. He claimed he didn't get my facebook message from Saturday until this morning. He said it was up to me as I had ended it but that he didn't know I was unhappy and that if that was true that we would discuss things and make it better. THEN he freaked out (this is all via email as he's at work)and said he felt like this was all a ploy to manipulate him. I swear to fuck I didn't even think he'd care! I tell him all the time that I am almost completely oblivious to other peoples feeling and yet he still chooses to believe that I am manipulative rather than just unaware.

I think we will be ok but he had a friend flying in tonight and didn't have his phone at work and he said I HAVE to call him to work this shit out rather than let it get like it did and I explained to him that I didn't feel like I could call.

I also admitted to feeling insecure because I know I like him more than he likes me.

He never responded to that and that was at 1pm. I texted him earlier saying that if he was a free moment to txt me and I would call him but nothing.

He said he didn't feel like I cared about him or us. He said he had no idea where this was coming from and that it had really thrown him.

He last said:

I feel like you don't care about us /me. This has come all of a sudden to me and im having a hard time dealing with it. I don't have my phone on me today. I gave it to Colin so he can meet up with my friend to pick him up the the airport. I had no idea you were unhappy until last nights texts and when I read your facebook message this morning.

So I said:

If you had no idea I was unhappy and you are willing to talk to me about it then this is just another case of miscommunication and something fixable. I care about you/us heaps and heaps. Loads. Piles of candy's worth. Ok?

He said:

Then what the hell was last night. Why didn't you call me before all this? You HAVE to talk to me about what's bothering you. From my point of view this looks like a manipulation ploy, an exercise of power, and a very immature way to have gone about telling me how you feel.

So I said:

I promise I wasn't trying to manipulate you and you know me well enough to know I don't lie, right? I felt like I WAS trying to talk to you. Possibly I was insecure because you don't like me the way I like you. I never meant to hurt you and honestly thought it would be a case of:

me: Im done here
you: ok
me: I had fun
you: me too. maybe we can be friends in the future.
me: sure

I'm sorry.

And nothing.

What does he want? What do I do? And why the fuck can't this boy just like me the way I like him