Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

I'm not sure where to start!
I suppose I shall list them here in order of appearance (in my life!) and then profile them individually.

Ok, first is deffo Mr. Pescoe. OMG Marcy and I had a mental affare that started when I met him in November.

Next was Simon S. who started out as my cuddle buddy but quickly turned into a very weird situation indeed!

I picked up a flirtation with a internet buddy in The Netherlands and now have filthy IM and cam sex.

And then came Shon.

And then Joe.

Next was Daniel.

Then Kevin.

And Trevor.

I think thats it!.. too sleepy...

OH NO! Crap there's Jay. Ahh Jay...

I've been gone a long time. I keep wanting to get back on here; start clearing my head the way I used to. But I've not know where to start explaining where I am to where I was when I last blogged. There have been a few changes...

After the fight in the hotel in Liverpool, I didn't feel I could trust G anymore but I didn't know how to leave him when we were living in a hotel in England on our way to move to Canada for 2 years.

So I waited. And in the meantime I tried. I got him to agree to go to counceling, anger management. We settled over here in Toronto and I tried my best but a few weeks before Christmas I decided enough was enough and told my BFF's. Saying it out loud made me feel so good!

I decided to go home to my parents with G and E for Christmas with the plan to tell G it was over after New Years but after we drove back to Toronto on the 27th I blurted everything out and WE, G and me OFFICALLY ended. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to say to someone. I was scared. Things were bad. Quite bad sometimes in those first few weeks. Threats of lawyers and everyone hating me for breaking up our family. They all know I love him but no one knew how angry he was, or what it had been like for me. Or the fact that G and I have almost nothing in common...

So I've lost almost 200 pounds. That's more than 14 stone.

I'll give you another second or two to think about that because it's not a typo.

ANYWAY! This is just a catch up so I shall continue and elabourate later...

I've been dating. OMG I've been doing very very bad deviant things. And I have been LOVING IT! But get this, I do not take my clothes off. !

Yep, sometimes there's a little under the shirt/skirt/dress action but I am always otherwise fully clothed. Why you ask? Because I lost 200 pounds and I am all skin and flesh!! It's not good! I'm trying to learn to know I am sexy as shit anyway and I'm going to get over my insecurity by next week for sure!! Again.. I'll save that for another blog!

I need to do some profiles of the men in my life recently. There are so many. So very very many lovely men...

And yet my 'number' remains 2. I was engaged to #1 and I married # 2. I wonder if penetration will be linked with emotion for me and as I am NOT LOOKING for any sort of romance I've avoided the fucking sucessfully. But honestly only because I'm so grossed out by the flapping flesh waiting to be removed by plastic surgeons courtesy of the Canadian health care system. They even spring for new breastses! HOLLAH!

OK, so to recap where I'm at:

Broke up with G, sharing condo, waiting for daycare so I can go back to work so I can move the fuck out of here.

dating=fun

weightloss=fix it surgury soon! super mega yoga nut, loving the gym

smoking=way too much weed plus 1-2 cigs a day!?

LOVING=MY LIFE!

I know, I've been gone awhile BUT I've had a lot going on!

We're in Canada! Took bloody long enough! We've only JUST settled down in our new condo in downtown Toronto. I fall asleep at night watching the C.N Towers light shows. It's amazing.
My entire life is so fucking amazing right now!

E spent his first night in a bed. He was so proud of himself in the morning.

Although my weight loss has slowed considerably, I'm still losing or maintaining consistently and am now down to 12 stone 7. I started at 23 stone 7 so that's a loss of 11 stone. OMG. Holy crap. Well, here's a pic for you all to gawk at.

I suppose I'm glad I had the surgery now but it was still the worst experience of my life!

Anyway, it's -5c outside but feels warmer on the 42nd floor. Being back in Canada to live for the first time in 5 years, I feel like as foreign as I did when I moved to the UK. Everything is new and yet slightly fimular. New slogans, new commercials, new slang.

I'm falling in love all over again with my best friend J. We've avoided each other these past five years because it felt so had and hurt so bad to never see each other and now we're better than we've ever been. I love coming home to my old friends. I have an opportunity to change anything in my life- start a new lifestyle. My cousin M is teaching me to snowboard this winter and this building has a pool, sauna, jacuzzi and basketball court so I'm all hooked up!

Anyway, in a rush. Have to buy a dress for G's corporate X-mas bash Saturday night!

I threw my back out this morning just after G went to work. I don't know how the fuck I managed to do it but I'm in a world of pain if I try and stand.

Typically whenever I've been in a vulnerable position G reacts agressively. When I broke my leg he freaked out and went on anti-depressant medication (which he still takes). He would get so angry with me whenever I needed his help that a few times I went all day without food because I couldn't move and he was an asshole.

But there has been much worse.

I hate him when he is like this. I don't understand how you can resent someone you are supposed to be in love with when they clearly need you.

If there ARE soulmates, G is not mine. I'm sure of this.

Today he's been pissed off because:

he had to drive me to the dr's
he had to change E's diaper (nappy)
I asked him to pick up a ready meal for e's lunch (as we're still in the hotel and I usually take him out for lunch..
etc.

There are really too many little things he's been a complete wanker about.

Basically, my 'supposed' partner for life is a shithead when I really need him but lovely otherwise. I don't think it's right or fair and if I could fall out of love with the huge stupid lummox I would.

I really would.

I deserve better.

He'll be all apologies once I'm better but will never understand what its like to need someones help and have them resent you for it.

I don't know if it's luck (or UN-luck) or fucking karma or what but fucked up 'things' seem to happen to me a lot more than they do to other people!

We were meant to fly to London this morning and on to Toronto this afternoon. I'm still sitting in the 'aubergine' hotel though. Tuesday was meant to be G's last day at work. As I drive a company car, it got handed back Tuesday AM (still with the damage from hitting the Porche as it was due to be fixed Wednesday!). Not an hour later someone called G from immigration saying that if we flew on Thursday, G and E would be turned around at the Canadian border and sent back!

Long story short, an immigration lawyer working for G's firm on the Canadian side is going to get the sack and we're stuck here AGAIN until a new set of forms comes back!

I just want to go home now! 5 times I have made solid plans to party and see people only to have to say, 'sorry, we got held up. be home soon...'. My dad even took a week off of work because he thought we'd be home tomorrow.

Anyway, I negotiated with G's company and got more money for our stay here and a rental car. Then I negoated with the hotel for free room service as we'll have been here a month at least.

I got the rental car yesterday. I had the cost pre-approved by G's company but didn't get approval for £12 insurance without excess so decided to leave it until I could get the approval today.

I then drove to Sainsbury's. I got a parking ticket because my ticket blew upside down. The traffic cop guy said that I had reason to appeal it. Still, why me?

This morning a guy named Nicholas rear ended me. And not in the fun way. Didn't even have the car 24 hours. Mother fucker. He was hot though so I wasn't so unhappy when G made me call him tonight to get his insurance details etc. He asked me to call him again tomorrow so get a few details he didn't have with him at the time. G was writing down the details I was getting from Nicholas and commented after I hung up that I 'handled that call very well'. Really I just blatently flirted

I am living inside of a building that is 100% grey on the outside and 98% eggplant(aubergine)purple on the INSIDE. The walls, skirting boards, doors.... its endless dark purple everywhere.

At first it was interesting, then dark, now I think it's starting to send me a little funny.

Of course, I did just walk for 3 hours then smoke a bit of a joint on the way back to the purple palace.

My days are so... ODD! We wake up, have a family cuddle on the bed then get ready for breakfast in the brazzerie.

G had tea and toast with fresh 'preserves' (arsehole way of saying 'jam') followed by a croissant with butter and more poncy jam.

E starts with a pain au chocolat then has eggs benedict with ketchup (classy baby) which is a bit gross if you ask me but as it comes with bacon it works out quite well for me as I always have:

grapefruit, pineapple and bacon

After breakfast surrounded by people acting very civilised, G walks 2 minutes to work and I head back to the hotel room to make myself look like I like in this hotel before E and I wander round the city for hours on end. We have lunch in cafe's, play hide and chase in John Lewis and feed the birds bits of Ritz crackers.

We head home around 12 or 1 and E has a 2 hour nap while I catch up on emails and make travel arrangements or whatever. Then we usually head out again to meet with friends or shop.

Dinner is often a microwave meal but as I eat very little anyway I'm hardly bothered. The 3 of us have shared many an asda curry since moving into limbo.

We have a flight into Heathrow Thursday morning, are having lunch in London then have an afternoon flight into Toronto where some random driver will pick us up and drop us off at the new hotel that will be our home until we find our own.

I love my life!

A few days ago I was in Superdrug and I tossed a bunch of things into E's stroller (pram). When I finished paying I noticed my fake eyelashes were still in the bottom of the stroller. I decided to walk out anyway and got such a rush from it!

So yesterday I went to Boots and decided to do the same thing. I got different kind this time. :O

Today I took a necklace.

It DID say GOTTA HAVE IT on the label. I almost chickened out at the cash this time but then though FUCK IT!

OMG where did this come from!? Who steals from GEORGE for christssakes? I have NEVER KNOWINGLY shoplifted anything before.

Anyway!

Everyday I make myself look as glam as possible to go to breakfast downstairs with the business men and women and the odd visitor to Liverpool. We eat our crossants and bacon and teeny slices of pink grapefruit and chunks of fresh honeycomb among the busy people before G heads to his office (withen sight of the hotel).

I've been watching them; wedding parties, groups of friends, couples, people here on business mostly. I watch them come and go and here we stay.

Indefinately apparently. G spoke to the lawyers on the Canadian end of the deal and they are not optimistic saying it could be 3-6 weeks yet.

I spend my days wandering round Liverpool with E, shopping and enjoying being a tourist in a city I've lived in on and off for 7 years.

We take turns going outside to smoke a J in the evening when E's sound asleep. Getting high outside this place is a trip in itself. The city has such a buzz, sort of like electricity in the air. Plus this hotel is fucking weird.

{where I live now}

I didn't weigh myself this week; the scales were packed. I've slipped into the smallest jeans I own (tags on) yesterday which suprised me. I catch my own reflection and don't immideatly reccognise myself which on top of everything else going on in my life makes things ever more surreal.

I'm meant to visit W this weekend but there are some issues complication that. G is jealous of me getting away, spending money and insecure about W, which is just sillyness and I'm not even sure I believe he IS insecure and not just using it as a reason to get out of taking care of E this weekend, which he has NEVER willingly done for more than a couple of hours.

RANT OVER! TIRED!

I handed the house keys over last night around midnight! I cleaned all day until 5:30, went to the in laws for dinner then had to drive E and G to the hotel in town and put E to bed. Then I had to drive all the way back to the house and finish packing up the car cleaning the floors.

L turned up around 10 which slowed things down hugely. Luckily I was almost finished when she got there so we sat outside chatting and smoking pot until almost midnight. I took pictures of the empty rooms before I left. It's a nice feeling to know its still my house and Ill see it again in 2 years! Thats never happened to me before

The hotel is posh and I love it.

I'd say more but I am so tired I need sleep now.

AGAIN it's after midnight and my weary eyes bat heavily.
So today I cleaned, went to the beach for my walk, went shopping, made food for 9, played with E, had amazing sex with G and had a successful BBQ. YAY me.

L just left. She came over to check her email so we got to chatting about W and why I'm attracted to her. In my head I know L's listening and wondering how I could know she has the same attitude I do with regards to sex and still fancy W (who isn't interested) more than her which I actually don't but my stupid brain twists things all up rather than just work honestly. Like when I was a kid and I liked a boy then I would do everything in my power to make sure that that boy would NEVER find out even though I would happily pretend to like boys I had no interest in! How warped is that?

Anyway, I've mentioned W to L (in fact they have met) so L sometimes asks me questions about her and I feel like I'm trying to throw L off the scent by making out that I like W a bit more then I do. WHY WOULD I DO THAT!?
Tonight I watched her and realised that she is insecure and vulnerable and rather than tell her I feel like she is 'way-out-of-my-league-beautiful', I just nodded and smiled when she said things that make me wonder if she's been telling me she's been well up for it. This is all so complicated.

How much of how I act has to do with the fact that I'm 'all talk, no action'. I know that when I flirt with W there may be a little flirting back so it's safe. If I thought she was going to be all over me when we met up I wouldn't like it at all! Half of the enjoyment is the persuit in this case. With L I wonder how quickly flirting would need to go on to something else. She has lived with a woman after all! I'm just this sweet little innocent Canadian...

I am attracted to L but feel completely out of my depth, intimidated by the fact that she is beautiful and experienced and knows so much about things that I know so little about.

So, I suppose if I am being brutally honest (and as it's almost 1 am, it's a good time to be honest) I've got a girl I (at times) agressively flirt with who doesn't find me at all attractive and a girl who I think IS attracted to me but I'm too shy to flirt with.

Do other poeple make things this complicated for themselves? Lets not even get started on the fact that I'm meant to be in Canada already!

Going to bed.

It's after midnight and I've slept 8 hours all together in the past 3 nights so this is a quick one!

Yesterday was great. Had some mates round and got drunk in the garden. L stayed for ages longer than she should have as JD's grandma died yesterday. Oops. She's HI-larious when she's drunk/stoned!

Today I had a lot of errands and bullshit crap to do. I may also have caused a minor car accident which I technically wasn't involved in. I took great pleasure in telling the rude little bitch who had slammed into someone elses car from behind that she was welcome to take my details but that it was a company car and that I was leaving the country in a few days so GOOD LUCK! You should have seen how pissed off that made her!

So it's that time of week again. Weigh Day. I'd been dreading it because last week I only lost 1/2 a pound despite dropping a dress size. Luckily things have balanced out and I dropped 8 pounds. 192 pounds or 13 st 11. That's over 9 stone loss since March. Holy crap, that's an entire person. Motherfucker.

Walked Honey tonight.

She appears to be very happy in her new home. I cried for the first time yesterday when her new owner showed up as a suprise. It was the first time I'd seen her since she went and I sobbed like a kid. I had to hide my face in my jumper to soak up the tears (which I am allergic to).

We're having a BBQ tomorrow with quite a few people coming round so I am heading to bed so I can get more than 2 hours of sleep!

LOVE, KISSES, SEXUAL MOLESTATION,

me