Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

I can't stand these wasted years
the things Ive done have brought me to
my knees
and when I come to think
of all the ways I recognise my self
I
Try to breathe, and
I
try to see
Try to get a glimpse of me
and when the dark takes over
and there is nothing left to see
I hope one day that I'll be thankful
for the the sun the sky the trees
and all the ways that
I
I won't let you down
I won't begin to give up now
that my voice is found
and all these things keep sailing round my head
again I'm brought back to
a time when I still felt a little hope
and maybe some fear
for being left out on my own
and I
don't think I'd be afraid no more
cus I recognise that fear is
just my motivation
just a way to grasp the situation
and you
you
don't think I know this
do you?
you
don't see that I'm in charge of me
and when I fall into your line
this time
will you feel that I'm
right back at the start of all this now
I
would like to save this time
for now
for then and in between
somehow I lost
the plot a bit
but I still feel the weight of all this
doubt shouting out of me
silently

Since agreeing to the new contract, G has become very happy in himself. I think the British would say, "He looks like the cat who got the cream."? I'm so happy to see that he feels passionate (FINALLY) about moving back to Toronto. I think he's also a little chuffed that they were so desperate to hire him that they increased the offer twice, added a substantial signing bonus, extra moving expenses ($34 000! Yeah, I double checked the zeros...) and basically begged. I'd be chuffed too!

Instead I'm currently the housekeeper/baby minder/chauffeur/cook/Girl Friday/whore/and zombie slayer. The pay is shit. I also get payed quite a bit of £ to paint stuff for people but I haven't finished a painting in just over a year. I've been working on a project that is taking me so long and yet I feel bound to finish it before I start anything new. At times I'm obsessed by it, painting through the night, stopping only too smoke a J, have sex or walk the dog. Then life gets a bit busy. Like this painting requires too much of me. It's not the painting actually, it's the fact that every line I paint has a photo of it so that (if I ever fucking well finish it) the end result will be a time lapsed video of the painting appearing a line at a time. I'm maybe 40% finished the painting but only 10% finished editing and cropping each individual shot. Tedious. Although writing about it is making me want to work on it! I lOVe the tediousness of it all!
However, with 2 year old E currently watching Micky Mouse Clubhouse in the living room, it's difficult to bust out the paints and a canvas that's about 5' x 5'. I have to work at night.

It's 1.2km around the park. I Google Earthed it. I also found out that the images of my house and the park are so old that my MG convertible is outside the house. We're talking 2004. It's like I'm looking back in time...

2004 I had dropped 7 stone, grew my hair long and was head of customer services at T.R.U. G and I had agreed that he was never going to want children so we both thought the relationship was doomed. 2004 was also the year the trouble with my guts/tummy started.

There was a guy I was working with a lot. Isn't that how it starts? I never crossed any lines but the more time we spent together the more I adored him. I quit my job but I still use him as a measure for who I would like to be myself. He has a little girl now who's almost a year older than E. He quit his job straight after I did and become a primary school teacher. We don't keep in touch but on the odd occasion we've bumped into one another my heart races straight through my chest.
Ah 2004! Thank you Google Earth for your absurdly old satellite shots causing this jog down memory lane...

I spent a good couple of hours reading and re-reading contracts, employment benefit schemes, options, car leases, Canadian Tax crap, etc. It's mind numbing.
I got bored and went to play jumbo kickball outside for about half an hour. The ball makes a horrendous noise when you kick it or when it slams into the wall.
Of course it annoyed G who was in the living room playing with his teeny tiny laptop. The man has a laptop the size of a freckle and his hands are like Michael Jordan's. Figure that one out. I watch him as he's typing away on the teeny tiny keyboard and watch his big sausage fingers making typo after typo. Why is it with men that things either have to be the biggest or the smallest? Surely bigger is always better? What do I know, I'm just a lowly girl with a laptop screen that's big enough to read things on.

J called me today from out of the blue. We're meant to get together soon. His wife disapproves of this. I like controversy. Is it so bad that I might do things despite what G might want? He'd just be giving into his insecurities if he forbid me to go and, lets face it, I'd bloody well go anyway.

I do what I want YO!

I don't really.

I like an easy life. G lets his insecurities get to him, playing mind games and setting emotional traps. I tell him he's acting like a woman. In my experience blokes just aren't wired that way. That's why I prefer blokes. Girls are for looking at. Boys are for fucking and being m8s with.

Anyway, I'm going to sexually assault G whilst he's asleep then before he's fully awake I'll get on top which technically is rape but is part of the package deal that is being in love with me.

It was sunny 10 minutes ago when I went outside to clear up E's toys. The sky just opened up and huge fat raindrops are soaking the dogs bed which was in the sunshine for her! I love rainstorms.

I have a lot to do! With a potential start date of September 29th I don't have a lot of time to do it in. Luckily I get to charge everything to the company and don't even have to book flights or arrange visas. I think I'm really going to enjoy this!
I love packing. I love packing materials in particular. They make me a little 'tingly'. I also get a little 'moist' in Office Depot. I was almost compromised once in a stationary cupboard at work because of the intoxicating smell of office supplies.

I love organizing. I am looking forward to deciding whether everything we own is going into one of 4 piles:

Free cycle
Charity
Ship to Canada
Store in the UK

At first I felt bad because I didn't feel bad about having to give everything up again. Eventually I figured I've had to learn to be adaptable so I might as well see that as a positive personality characteristic rather than feel bad about it, right?

I tried to explain this to one of the British X's, T last week as he's very interested in living abroad. I wanted him to understand that I feel like my heart is a little cold because I've had to leave a lot of people/things/pets behind but he accused me of being a know-it-all. He's a golf playing, lager drinking, angry lanky thing so he'll just have to see for himself. It's not so easy to leave everything behind.

And yet as this is like my 4th time (!), I'm looking forward to it. Moving overseas forces you to really edit the things that surround you and that leaves your brain a little clearer. Do you think that makes up for all the pot I've smoked?

Things to Do Today:

call builders about bay window
call P, invite round
speak to D about property
fine tooth contract for G
watch Yo Gabba Gabba!
play some more hide-and-go-seek with E and the dog
make lists of things I need to do

YO GABBA GABBA!

Another late night. It smells amazing outside.
G and I spent the evening chatting about the move back to Toronto, giggling and cuddling. He was asleep by 10 but once again I can't sleep. I wasted some time surfing but I should (once again) be painting. I don't know why I'm avoiding it.
Instead chatted to A for awhile.
{yawn}

G just formally accepted an offer in Toronto for a start date of September 29th pending relevant visa applications blah blah blah. I love new adventures.

I got 4 hours of sleep and would have been my bright, chipper self if I hadn't been violently ill when I smelled the cinnamon raisin toast G had made for E's breakfast.
Then it rained. I love the rain! I especially love when the air is humid and heavy and then the sky opens up and everything visibly cools.
The sun is out now. I'd be out for a wander in the park but E went for his nap much earlier than usual this morning as a result of being late for bed last night. G is a bit selfish sometimes and thought it smarter to wait until I got home rather than feed our 2 year old son himself, even after he was an hour late for bed. Naughty! I'm told all men are like this but in order to stop myself becoming a black widow serial killer, I have to believe otherwise. Anyway now I'm stuck at home until he wakes up and has some lunch.

G just called to say that the office in Toronto left a voicemail saying that they would contact him at start of business today (2 pm GMT) with an updated offer. They bloody well wait 2 weeks in between us turning down the last offer. Just long enough for me to get used to the idea of staying here in the UK. G and I have agreed on a figure that would make leaving our awesome life here worthwhile. It's a lot of cash and if they go that high, brilliant. And if they don't, brilliant. My pros and cons list is basically just pros for both. I'm adaptable. Plus my mom read my Pollyanna like a LOT when I was a kid and sometime after I began to develop empathy (age 19) it all sunk in and I became an eternal optimist. G doesn't share my opinion and is very much a 'glass half empty' sort of lad.

I do wish we knew whether we were staying here or moving there especially as they've set a mandatory start date of Sept. 29th. Besides the fact that this is short notice to pack up a life for 3 and move it thousands of miles it also coincides with a few things that are causing me distress. #1. Our 7 year wedding anniversary is in Sept. and I would have liked to book a surprise holiday. #2. I am meant to hand back my lease car in Sept. and am ALREADY meant to have chosen and ordered my new car (!) #3. I want an iPhone and I can't buy one until we decide if we are coming or going. #4. My birthday is in September and in Canada I turn 29 but here in the UK I'll be 28! It's a woman's prerogative to lie about her age but dammit, I am not prepared to go from 27 {ahem, cough} to 2frickin9. That's just cruel.

Right. Birthday list. I like lists.

1 slice chocolate fudge cake from Costso (no exceptions!)
1 candle (for 1 wish)
1 tube lubricant
27 (or 29!) helium balloons
1 kite
1 bottle of lighter fluid
one lighter/match
1 iPhone
1 pair silver strappy Jimmy Choos
the people I love

I'm just not tired.
I spent the morning with G and E playing in the garden and watching Yo Gabba Gabba! which taught me that I can love a balloon in a different way then I love mommy and daddy. Yeah, that's one messed up show. Then I spent the afternoon with J trying to sort out his stuff. Very annoying. Met his soon to be ex-flatmate though and he was lovely(!).
I got home in time to feed E (30 minutes after he should have been in bed!) make G's dinner then make myself evening pretty in time to head to SQ's. She tried to feed me (as everyone seems to now feel necessary) so I had a few bites of her Scouse. I got home around 9:30 and was ushered upstairs for some kinky sex. Still not tired.
I should be painting.
Nights like this intensify the world in my head. It's a messy place but littering isn't tolerated.

This week I will inevitably:

spend an average of 14 hours wandering in the sunshine with E
cook 7 dinners I won't eat
have dirty, degrading sex 6 times
yell at someone from my car for throwing litter once
be hit on by 2 random men who don't really see me at all
watch BB but discuss it with no one (because no one must ever know!)
use my satnav to wind up in some random country lane previously only used by bunnies
burn much needed brain cells watching Yo Gabba Gabba!
be mistaken for Irish

I feel a yawn coming on.