Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

I wanted A to know it was the end of our emotional affair but if I knew I had risked the entire relationship, would I have done the same?

Blatantly, NO. Now that I have none of him and I'm not sure how to cope, I wonder what I would do if I had the chance to keep my mouth shut.

I honestly believed that I was the sort of girl who was emotionally self-reliant but the longer A is away the more I see how much I've depended on the idea of A as much as confiding in him. I'm disappointed in myself for not being stronger.

MY LIFE is so bloody complicated right now! Normally I handle stress with grace but this morning I feel like a bit of a whinge and a rant and then I'll suck it up and get on with it. Because what the fuck else can you do?

SO, here's a catch up:

Friday I got blonde highlights from a lovely South African girl who's moving to Tokyo. She dropped bleach on my shirt but I didn't kick her ass as it was 3 sizes too big and was beginning to show boobies anyway.

Friday afternoon I met W. Confirming her beauty and inner lost child, W likes to tease, taunt and exaggerate stories for their humour. I'd never heard her accent before but it didn't cause any issue; slang did! I learned what 'strumming' was this week!

W and I met up with the guy that she is seeing. He has no name.

I had a drink (or maybe a few!) for the first time since I had my gastric bypass. I had to switch to diet coke after the first drink from light-headedness but I was surprised at how little my tolerance for alcohol has changed considering I've lost 5 stone since I last drank.

W and No Name had shots. W got a bit drunk, No Name got pissed. Drama ensued. I'm starting to think I did something very wrong in that situation because W is now ignoring my texts, IM's and one phone call.

Or am I just paranoid?

I think I'm feeling exceptionally vulnerable right now because of A and I HATE IT. I think otherwise if someone didn't return my calls, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I'm leaving this fucking place anyway, right? {sigh}

Saturday-Weigh Day. I got a cold and was feeling really bummed out despite losing 5 pounds. I spent a lot of the day wandering round stores, trying on party dresses and strappy heels in hopes of cheering myself up.

I got a letter from J asking me when I'd be home, telling me how much he misses me when he's drunk! I miss my guys and will be so glad to be with them again! I've always got on better with guys as best mates but the older I get the more difficult it is to make new male best friends when most of them have partners who would assume I was trying to get their man. With my Canadian boys I have a prior claim on them so their new g/f's won't have a say!

Some people visited, I wandered and pottered. I was in bed with cold at 9. Exciting Saturday, eh?

And that's brought us right to now. Sunday 9 am. G's still sleeping and E's eating raisin toast and watching Blue's Clues. The weather is crap, A just came online to ignore me, my nose is stuffed and my tummy hurts.

Maybe just one good cry and I'll be fine.

Well, it is becoming increasingly obvious that A is indeed avoiding me.
Since we last chatted (A chat with A) I've emailed him once, messaged him a half dozen times and today, sent him a text: Hope you are well. Can we speak soon? I miss you.

He came online about 2 minutes later, went straight to BUSY-ON THE PHONE then disappeared again.
When A and I first broke up he cut all ties with me. I believe he even changed his phone number, not that I bothered trying to call. A was a different person back then though, full of self-doubt and misery. Surly he wasn't that upset over our last conversation that he could totally freeze me out. We've been friends for almost a decade now after all...

It's starting to hurt. I've been so busy lately with the repairs to the house, the impending move to Canada and random other distractions that I've hardly had time to worry. plus, until today I just assumed it was probably a miscommunication.

Could it still be?

If anyone can be bothered to read 'A chat with A' and 'A sorry for A' and just tell me what the fuck is going on!? I don't speak boy very well.

I miss A. We've had a lot of good times and bad. I suppose for awhile last summer I wondered if we could make a go of it but I was unhappy in my relationship and A made me feel loved, appreciated, desired and needed. He needed me and at the time I needed him.

I wanted him to know it was the end of the emotional affair but if I knew I had risked the entire relationship, would I have done the same?

FATE IS BULLSHIT.

My father is a massive frenchman with a moustash like Magnum P.I rocked in the 80's. He used to be a professional wrestler of some sort in Canada way back in the day, or so I am told. He's also been a welder, mechanic, builder, rigger, engineer... the list is endless. I have one of those dads who can do just about anything.
I've been told some very frightening stories about my fathers fights from several different (albeit drunk/stoned) witness's who remember things as though it were last week and not 1977. It's another matter entirely that these same witness are also likely to be drunk/stoned at any given point in the day and often blank out last week as though it happened in 1977. My father once fought and won against lou ferrigno, the guy who played the hulk back in the olden days.

Once my father lent us his car but before we could take it he unloaded from the trunk:
1 shotgun
1 slingshot and ball bearings (!)
1 baseball bat ("Daddy is that my bat!?")
1 machete (I wish I was kidding)

other items that on their own seem harmless but in my fathers trunk become hauntingly sinister:
a canister of petrol
a blowtorch
duct tape
cable ties (the kind cops use!)
and some homemade moose jerky (!)

I love my daddy!

A terrifying thought has just occurred to me;

I am shipping everything we own a few weeks in advance of moving to toronto. A company has been hired by G's company to come into my house and pack everything for us. This includes photographing every single object for the customs report.

What do I do with our 'personal bedroom items'?! I can't very well have some stranger logging THAT for customs now, can I!? Bloody hell...

So far as I can see, my options are as follows:

1. Pack all 'items of indiscretion' in G's suitcase before we fly. Giggle at airport of his luggage gets checked. Plead innocence.

2. Put items in a box, duct tape box closed, try and pretend duct taped box is a solid cube that is definitely NOT filled with sex paraphernalia! Photograph that, you nosey so and so's!

3. Chuck UK sextoys and buy new ones once we're on the Canuck side of the pond.

Estimated costs: £1745...

No, I'm totally lying! LMAO How much of a skank would that make me?

Anyone have any ideas!? No, not about how much of a skank I am or am not but on how to ship my naughtyness with my dignity intact!?

We're moving to Canada even sooner than we thought! It a difference of 4 days but when you only have 5 weeks left, 4 days is a lot. Bugger. And why is it that it's only with faced with the prospect of leaving the UK that I want to take advantage of all it has to offer? Not to mention the fact that we never did get to have sex in G's parents garden...

Now that my friends in Canada know that I am coming home FOR SURE I have had an influx of calls and emails. My friend D said, "I'm so sorry I never call you but I just couldn't. It's too hard to talk to you and know I can't see you...". I've felt the same way. Even with the internet, long distance relationships are never easy. Friendships are maintained with good times and a knowledge of eachothers day to day life. It takes time and energy and that's made all the more difficult by distance. And time zones!

Things have changed since I last lived in Canada. I've been told the prime ministers name several times but fucked if I can remember it. The bank notes have changed too. My friends are growing up and having kids. Life marches onwards. All the same, it'll be nice to be home.

I stayed up late chatting to that girl W again. I was originally motivated to talk to W because I found her unbelievably sexy. I imagined her to be confident and outgoing; how could anyone who looks that way not be, right?

Another case of someone not knowing their own self worth I'm afraid. Sometimes I wonder if I should have been depressed about the way I looked when I was 23 stone. Would being miserable have made a difference to my motivation? Alas, I love me unconditionally and always have. In my opinion, the only real shot anyone has at truly unconditional love is from themselves. I'm also the best sex I've ever had!

So I'm trying to convince W of that, erm, to love herself unconditionally I mean. And also to show me her boobs. Neither has happened, yet.

Saturday I was out shopping for jeans for G (with a detour past my drug dealers who is out of jail (!) and suing the police for wrongful imprisonment, or so I'm told!) when I decided I was going to faint if I didn't have a Coke. I went through a McD's Drive Thru and got a small coke (for me), 6 nuggets(for E) and a cheeseburger(for G). In the car on the way home I decided to try a nugget. MISTAKE. It didn't even taste good for more than a second or two (or at all really as it was a McD nugget!) before my stomach started to protest. Well by now I had well and truly chewed this 1/2 of a nugget and am like desperate to get the thing out of my mouth so I roll down the window and toss the wad of chewed nugget out the window into the grass. Gross. Worse yet, the chick in the car beside me saw me toss something out of the window and made a very disapproving face as they overtook me.
I wish I could say things got better. They got worse. They were still in front of me about a mile down the road my stomach decides that it wasn't enough that I tossed the offending nugget before it could pass into it. At an impossibly long red light I began to heave with what felt like every muscle in my body. Loud, disgusting, retching. My windows were open because I thought the fresh air might help so everyone could hear me. EMBARRASSING.
And yet the light would not change.

For what felt like forever.

And ever.

Oh god just stop gagging now.

OK, breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Or is it in through your mouth and out through your nose??? Aw hell...

The light eventually changed.

I've not been able to eat much this weekend. The spirit is willing but the stomach is protesting. I made some cauliflower soup for lunch today which I normally love but after 2 tablespoons I felt ill. Not eating makes me feel weak and a bit dizzy which gets worse the longer I go without.

I went shopping with G and E today at L1. I was grumpy the whole time and when G would ask me why I'd say that it had nothing to do with him because it didn't.
"Whether or not I'm treating you badly has nothing to do with whether or not you deserve it! Stupid penis wearing man-sicle."

Oh wait, I think I have a touch of PMS (PMT). I may be behaving slightly irrationally...
Still...

"You're fuckin' irritating me."

"What have I done?"

"Fuck all but you asking me is really pissing me off as well."

He ended up with a new i-pod.

It's 7:48 am as I write this. My day began almost an hour ago. E's inner clock is winding down with the season...

Today is WEIGH DAY. Yesterday was PILL DAY.

Silly that I'd hide things in a blog I'm meant to have so I can get EVERYTHING off of my chest, right!?

Well, I haven't been completely honest about WHY I have been so unwell this year. that's because I hate thinking about it. I'm embarrassed.

I HAVE had issues with my stomach for years. I was angry with my mother once when I was 17 and ate over 100 pills. I quickly realised I loved myself way too much to do me any harm and began to vomit up the pills. Sadly the damage was done...

I've had bleeding ulcers in my stomach, a hiatus hernia and a bunch of reflux issues. I lost a few stone awhile back and the reflux and hernia went away.

ANYWAY, (stalling) the operation I had at the end of May wasn't anything to do with that.

I had a roux-en-y gastric bypass. OMG I hate saying/writing/admitting that! My hands are literally shaking! Stupid really...

Ok. So, in February of this year I hit 22 stone 13!! I knew I was meant to have this operation sometime this year but also knew I needed to change my lifestyle. I went to weightwatchers.

I changed my eating, cooking, shopping, exercise habits. I got down to 19 stone before it was time for a 2 week 800 calorie a day liquid diet. I can honestly say I didn't struggle through any of this. I was determined and full of positive energy.

I wasn't so positive about the operation. Not scared, just wondering if I was making the right decision as my new lifestyle seemed to be doing me wonders.
I spoke to the people at the hospital and they told me that someone who has been as overweight as I was will not lose and keep off as much weight as this operation should do.

"What sort of weightless can I expect then?" I ask.
"The average is 60% of your excess weight at the time of the operation."

MATHS
I weighed 19 stone (!). My ideal weight is about 9 (!!!). That's a difference of a person. 10 stone. 60% of 10 stone is 6 stone. 19-6=13 stone. That's what I should lose if I am 'average'.

Well, we all know I'm anything but! They said that because I'd already lost weight on my own and changed my lifestyle that in their experience I will be one of the ones who does very well.

So, had the operation. No one was honest with me about what i would go through. My auntie had it done 4 years ago and the bitch told me she was back at work in 5 days. LIES. I came home after 3 days weak as a kitten, in huge amounts of pain. I drank soup, milk, had yogurt and custard.

4 days later I began to get violently ill. I was taken into clinic (I remember that much!) but by the time the doctor got to see me my temp was so high I went into shock. They called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital AGAIN! My temp hovered at 108 for days. The medication and antibiotics they were pumping me with kept me from bursting into flames (although I thought I was encased in ice a few times!). I didn't eat, or drink.

A week later my temp started to go down so I checked myself out. No one ever found out where the infection was or what happened to me but since then I have had no appetite and (although recently getting better) eating is a very unpleasant experience indeed!

I didn't eat anything for over 3 weeks. It's AMAZING how little we can live on! I had apple juice, water and whole milk (occasionally with nesquick in it). I wasn't ingesting more than a cup a day of liquids at one point. In the end dehydration got me with muscle spasms and I had to begin to drink more water. Then the fainting started. And E wouldn't eat because I wouldn't.

I'm struggling a bit. I have to take a LOT of pills and vitamins for the rest of my life. I don't absorb protein well so I crave it. I'm never hungry but if I forget to eat that day my tummy will ache. I have to have injections of vitamins (had the first one Friday, stung worse than any bee sting I've ever had!).

So WEIGH DAY.
I raced down the stairs this morning to weigh myself. I was 15 stone 3 1/4 last week...

Please be below 15!

14 st 12! Wooo hoooo!

My pants (trousers) are falling off. The awesome lime green mac I bought last month that everyone comments on hangs on me now like a tarp. It's expencive and time consuming buying clothes that fit when you lose a stone every 3 weeks. But some of you will be shouting at your screens right now to stop complaining and enjoy losing, right?

Well then, ask me if I reccommend this operation.

The girl across the road, L who's taking care of my house when we go, the one with the lopsided but fantastic breasts? Yeah, well today she told me she used to be in a lesbian relationship. {pause for mental image}

WHY DO PEOPLE ALWAYS TELL ME THINGS?!

My mom says my father and I have a gift that makes people open up to us.

I say, some gift!

I suppose it has, on occasion made me privy to some pretty smutty info.

I'm not attracted to L especially although I do think she's movie star beautiful and hell yeah I'd make out with her if I had a few drinks in me but I'm insatiable.

I don't know what's with me lately! I thought I was acting like a sex starved teenager because I didn't get any for like 8 days but now that the sex ban has been well and truly lifted I haven't got an excuse.

Anyway! L stayed and chatted for a few hours. I learned a lot about her today and not just that she used to play for the girls side. Mostly we chatted about the awesome fights couples get into. I found comfort in the fact that other people who seem like well-adjusted individuals have also flown off the handle and tried to destroy one another. Odd to find that comforting...

I've had some time to think about what the contents of B's box of memories might hold. It makes me feel sick in my stomach and a little excited. But only a very little bit.

The excited bit wonders if he'll remember how much we loved eachother and remember me fondly, which is all I could ever want.

The rest of me says DANGER! NOTHING GOOD CAN COME OF THIS!

When we were together I wrote B poetry, stories, dirty fantasies. We we're apart for months at a time and when we weren't running up huge phone bills, I was writing diaries to him. So passionate about B was I that he consumed my every thought.

It's not fair that he gets to open a box and read my secrets, promises, words of unconditional love sealed in a time capsule. I feel bound to the words, the only promises I have ever broken. I don't want him to be able to read them whenever he wants. I don't want them to be read by his new fiance! But where does a box of love go when the love had dissappeared?

It's all that's left of all I ever was.

My last corrospondance with B (MY FIRST LOVE) went as follows:

ME:

Stop trying to sound all cool and rebellious.

I meant that I wanted to be with you ALL the time. Donkey. Anyway, I've learned that people want all sorts of different things in relationships. I, for instance, like being controlled and dominated. Not that that ever happens. Maybe he (his best friend) needs someone to save him from having to play golf. Funny you mentioned them though. Shows you care. Awww. Maybe someday you and C can be together

HIM:

Bless, I think you probably have learned a lot, but I always get the feeling that you are talking to me from the perspective of someone who thinks they knows better!

ME:

I think the same about you! What would I have said to make you think I think I know anything?

HIM:

All the advice about moving abroad n stuff!

ME:

That doesn't count! OK, I have a big gob, I admit it. Mostly I wanted to piss you off so you'd be more determined to go. Did it work? Sometimes you come across like you think you know everything too you know.

HIM:

I’ll always want to travel, doesn’t matter what anyone says! I’ve seen bits of Canada and the US and other places I’ve holidayed too, and all it’s done it make me want more.

ME:

Simmer down. You said that 9 years ago and you're still living in Kent.

Next time you have a go at me, call me names. I like it more.

In all honesty I admire your passion. I always did. It's intimidating.

I'm going to play in the park now. Turrah B

HE REPLIED:

And since then I’ve been to some other places, nobhead! I’ve been to other countries around Europe on holiday. You must learn to read properly!

SO I SAID:

THAT'S why I liked you! The abuse! I miss it so!
Why do you choose to ignore the nice things I say in favour of pretending I'm attacking you? I'll add it again because YOU MUST LEARN TO READ PROPERLY!

"In all honesty I admire your passion. I always did. It's intimidating.." That's fucking high praise from me!

What I was commenting on was that you meant to live and work in some random number of countries and, holiday or not, you've not done that. You assume that I think that's a bad thing which I don't at all.

You're a little hostile. I like it. Now simmer down.

That was via emails one month ago. When I came across it today it pissed me off again so against my better judgement I wrote:

clearing out my inbox I re-read our last little chat and it pissed me off a little. until I thought a second about how it doesn't matter to me anymore.
firstly, I don't think you've thought about why I might have come across as 'someone who knows better'. you broke my heart into a million pieces that I thought would never heal. you sat on a pedestal in my heart for years and the more time that passed, the more my memories of you reflected only the perfection rather then reality. I've felt like I needed to protect myself from you (which makes sense as you dumped me without ever giving me a chance to know why or to even change why) and so I definitely have had my guard up. {shrug} but if you knew the way I felt about the way you used to be, you'd know I could never think myself better than you because I worshipped every.single.thing about you. well, every.single.thing about the replica of you that fell off the pedestal in my heart and crashed to the floor, 8 years of dust settling in the air around the rubble.

AND HE WROTE:

I’m not quite sure that explains anything, but hey...

My mum is making me take home all my stuff from her house (even though they live in a 4 bedroom place with just the two of them there) and I came across all the stuff to do with you. There is a lot of stuff there, I can’t believe all the stuff you wrote, there is tons of it.

TO WHICH I REPLIED:

Im trying to say why would I think Im better than you when I've always though you were perfect? It should explain a lot.

Yeah. I wrote tons of stuff. For you.
You know the book that has the ugly like flowers or fruit on it? Well, before that stuff ends up on the tip could you please go to Day 37 and maybe explain to me why I ripped this page out and kept it?

SO HE SAID:

If you have the page, how would I know why? I actually plan on keeping pretty much everything, I am rather sentimental.

SO I SAYS:

YOU wouldn't know why but the next page in the diary might.
I don't know how I feel about you keeping that stuff. Promises I made have been broken but they are still written; little lies trapped on paper.

Do you remember the time we were arguing about something stupid like I was upset because you didn't want to have sex in my aunt livingroom, (I was so reasonable, wasn't I!?) and we passed the diary back and forth writing it out?

What is there besides a couple of books? Did you read any of it?

AND HE SAID:

I sort of remember it, but not really, Sudbury maybe? I haven’t read any of it yet.

AND I WAS LIKE:

Sudbury, yeah. Hmm.. maybe you'll read it and remember how much you were loved. Maybe it'll make a good firestarter. Seems a shame. Where does one store a box of his X's love letters, dirty confessions and bad poetry?

What else was there??

AND HE SAID:

I don’t really know, some money, lots of tickets, a sweater your mum gave me for shrinking mine, lots of letters, the diary, the Stephen king book I bought in Maryland to keep myself company whilst I was scared stiff of a nutter in Kenny Rogers Roasters. I’ll check it out some day.

AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT AT THAT! B has a way of messing with my head.

WHY DO WE SPEAK?

1. Are you married or single?
Have had a ring now for 7 years(!)
2. Do you have brothers and sisters?
My mom has 3 daughters, each with a different father, my father has a son and 2 daughters each with a different mother. I've never met my fathers kids. I'm the only one who comes from both. My parents are NOT married but are still happily in love.
3. * Are they older or younger than you?
I am the baby
4. Have you ever met a famous person?
lame ones
5. What countries have you visited?
some
6. What do you do on Sundays?
get high, play videogames, go for long walks, make out, etc.
7. What kind of people do you not like?
BORING people
8. Who has had the most influence in your life?
me
9. Would you like to be famous?
Famous, no, fabulously wealthy, YES!
10. How many different towns or cities have you lived in?
Too many to count.
11. Which do you prefer, sunrises or sunsets?
Sunsets.
12. What was the last book you read?
My Booky Wook. Don't judge me!
13. What's your favourite food?
I don't know anymore.
14. Do you live in a house or an apartment/flat or other?
I live in a big semi. Ha ha, I like saying BIG SEMI!
15. How tall are you?
5'2
16. What are your hobbies?
I'll do/try anything but I'm known to be partial to nature, crowds, boats, water and art.
17. What's something you do well?
I'm very good at seeing the bright side of things!
18. Which sports do you like to watch/play?
miss playing/watching (ice) hockey
19. Are you a 'morning' or 'night' person?
BOTH
20. What is your motto?
Try everything twice, you may like it the second time around!

A's online but still not communicating with me. I'm going to give up now until he does. maybe he just needs some time but either way I'm sure he'll say he's just been busy. Why do the boys I know play so many games?

I know from experience that it can be hard to give up the 'what if?' fantasy, especially when reality has issues you were hiding from. For the past 8 years I have wondered about my first love B and whether we'd ever meet again. It's only since speaking to him last year, and occasionally since, that I've come to see the boy I knew grew into a man I'll never know in the same way again. The fantasy slipped away...

It's shite outside. E's is trying to burn off energy before his nap but racing up and down the hallway on his knees. I'd bring him out but as he's still throwing himself on the ground to crawl, it's a massive pain in the rump on muddy days. I suppose one could argue that all kid related activates are a pain in the rump but let's not nitpick.

G will be home tonight at 8. YAY! I enjoyed the time alone in the house, I have to admit. I put clean sheets on the bed and they still smell like girl this morning! And the bedding wasn't all rumpled! Course, there was no one to steal cuddles and heat from so it evens out I suppose.

My g/f SQ came for dinner last night. I'm trying to convince her and her b/f to come with us to Toronto. We looked through old photos of us and had a laugh.

I met SQ when we lived beside each other in 2002. I actually met her partner AM first when I ran out of the house one day in a t-shirt and knickers to catch G as he'd forgotten his lunch. Well of course I got locked out as G drove away oblivious. Luckily my neighbour I hadn't met was in. He invited me into his and SQ's flat, made me a cup of coffee had a laugh at my expense and told me I could stay as long as I wanted but that he was off to work! How trusting is that?! After that we quickly became the best of friends. AM was the boy FRIEND I desperately needed here because I was missing my Canadian Boys so!

AM died that same year. He had a congenital fault which was never meant to seriously harm him. He died in my arms. I don't get sad when I remember him anymore but I do miss him. There is no one quite like AM was.

SQ and I become close after AM died. Anyway, she left about 10 so I sat round chatting to a certain girl I find myself drawn to lately. I'd have to be honest and say that I think she is the most attractive girl I have seen in my life (although I can't quite pinpoint what it is!). Her new beau agrees!

Sadly, I got drawn into a long telephone conversation and by the time I came back she'd ditched me and I got stuck chatting to this guy who has been trying to shag me for 2 years. despite the fact that EVERY SINGLE TIME he tries, he is met with,
"MW, do I ever cross this line with you? No. Will I ever? No! I am a GOOD GIRL!"

I lost interest and was in bed by midnight.

I just came home from my walk in the park and my heart is racing. I'm fuming mad. And oddly a little turned on...

I was walking along, pushing E's stroller (pram), pausing periodically to throw the dogs ball for her. A man was standing about 10 feet in front of me on the path speaking on his mobile.

As I approached him he covered the phone and said very rudely, "Excuse me! There's a dog field over there. Could you not walk your dog in there?"

I stopped and stared at him blankly like, are you serious!?

"I'm from the council." he said as if that explained his rude tone.

"I'm happy for you." I said "But not once in 5 years has my dog EVER trampled anything in this park."

"It's just very rude what you're doing"

"OMG are you for real?" Then I gave him my best stink eye and walked off because I was about to kick him.

After I'd got a few metres away I looked back and saw he was totally watching me walk away. Fucking wanker!

The further I walk, the more angry I became. How dare he speak to me like that! My substantial income pays for his job! Thinks he's all smart dressed in that suit that makes him look like a dark, angry politician...

Hold on, am I turned on?! Oh god I'm perverted!

I think it was the way he spoke to me matter-of-factly, rude, confrontational. Sexy.

I walked round the park 3 more times desperate for confrontation and mildly entertaining the idea of angry stranger sex in the bushes. I saw him and felt his eyes follow me but I didn't have the courage (and I didn't entirely trust myself) to confront him again.

I'd be one naughty girl if I were single!

A still isn't speaking/texting/calling me. It's still possible that the email I sent didn't get to him and that he didn't see the messages I sent when he was online. It's possible he's just busy. It's likely he's pissed.

I think the problem with A is that he never really got over me dumping him for B. He still wonders if I'm 'the one' and I think it bothers him that even though it ended with B I've never stopped loving him. Until recently, I wondered if B was still 'my one'.

I met B in the summer of 1999. My life was a bit of the mess at the time. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life (hold on.. I still don't!). I partied all night, stayed wherever I could, lived out of a backpack (rucksack) and went to class during the day to finish up my highschool diploma.

My computer teacher, CT, was an odd little woman, married, who liked to lure in stupid men on the internet, admitantly mostly american solders who sent her dog tags and trinkets from overseas. She was about 4'10, 14 stone with frazzled, over-permed hair. She was literally cross-eyed and I found it difficult to hold a conversation with her and not wonder if she was looking at me or the guy beside me, or a wall, or the ground....

One sunny Canadian summer morning I was sitting in class, chatting online to A (as was all I ever did back then) and A's mate B came online. A, B, some random friends from the class and CT went into a chat room and joked around with the mic for a bit. The mic was a big deal back then! HA-HA. Anyway, CT got to telling lies to B and they began chatting regularly.

A few weeks passed and one day B got in touch with me asking me if I knew why CT wasn't responding to his messages anymore. She told me that he wanted to come to Canada and that that meant the end of their bogus relationship. She had told him she was a single 18 year old beautiful blond (she used pics she took of her NIECE on her profiles!) so understandably he may have been confused when the cross-eyed midget whore adulteress picked him up.

B was distraught. He said he had already purchased the tickets to come to Toronto on the basis that CT has said he could stay with her when he visited.
I don't remember the thought process for what happened next but suddenly I told him not to worry, that my parents had an extra room (MY old room) and that I'd ask them if they'd mind having an 18 british guy that I had never met in my life (and didn't even know through chat very well!) stay for a month in September.

Yeah, right! Right?
I had no intention of asking my mom. She had kicked me out on my keister a few weeks earlier because she claimed that her and my father 'worked better' without me there.
I hate her.

Anyway, again, thought process missing, skip to the end, my mom agreed B could stay at my parents house if I moved back in whilst he was there.
Oh, and my father, the french canadian, massive, ex-professional fighter said that if the limey bastard looked at him the wrong way, he'd crush him.
I love my daddy!

B and I only really properly spoke in the week before he came to stay. He had flown into the States to visit some other girl he'd met on the net who'd turned out to have a boyfriend. He was hauled up in a hotel room alone so when we would speak to arrange our meeting we'd gab on for hours about anything and everything we could think of.

I wasn't immediately attracted to B. He had a charming British accent but I'd written him off as he was a year younger then me. However the night we met and he wrapped his arms around me I was surprised how manly a 6'4 18 year old boy can feel.

It was a cool Autumn evening. B was taking an 12 hour bus ride from Toronto to the small town I lived in. He was due to arrive at about 9:30pm. I wasn't feeling at all well (early stomach issues) so I was asleep in bed when my mom woke me up to meet B.

I missed B at the first stop as the driver on the bus couldn't see me waiting and thought it best to drop him one mile down the highway at the usual drop-off where there was a payphone.
I ran all the way there in my tartan old man pyjamas. I could see him, sitting on a massive suitcase under streetlight, a modern day Thinker.

He looked petrified until he saw me when his face broke into a massive grin. B grin #1. Tall an slim with loads of dark, tousled, 12 hour bus ride hair. He stood up and walked towards me with open arms, which I wasn't expecting. I really wasn't the sort of person who liked being touched back then. I thought of myself more as someone who touched other people as a way of conveying dominance. A small pat on the arm, a squeeze of a knee..
He hugged me and I melted.

Those are the first few moments of B and me.

My Day (So Far)

Wake
Fetched E
Fed E
Checked email for response from A (none)
Changed E
Made G's lunch
Drove G to work
Cleaned house
Went to Safari Park (against my will)
Somehow attained solo custody of G's 8 year old nephew I hardly know
Fed the nephew
Kept nephew entertained with videogames
Changed E's poopy diaper
Changed E's poopy diaper again (!)
Called builders
Had meeting with contractor
Mother-in law came to fetch the nephew/stayed for visit
The people who are renting out house came for a visit so I was late when I..
Picked up G at work
Droped G off at home
Went to the Shops
Came home
Made E's dinner
Fed E
Made G's dinner
Put E to bed
Cleaned kitchen
Made stuffed peppers (which I intend to try)
Walked the dawg

I'm knackered. Time to bust out the 'GWEN' and get some BOOTAY!

Wish me luck!

Despite being up till 3 am, I bravely took my post as 'parent on duty' this morning at 7 am.
I tried to convince E that sleeping would be more fun than getting up but as this is Day 5 without his gukkie (dummy) he wasn't having any of it. i gave up and made him some raisin toast. He was happily sat watching Teletubbies and giggling madly when I remembered I had hidden a Hanna Montana wig set in the boot of the car as I didn't want G to see it.

I excitedly raced out into the street to fish it out of the car. A Miley wig and a Hanna wig. Oh man the fun we are going to have with these puppies!

Anyway, after messing about with them and taking some pics I have decided to go blonde again.

Hanna's wig (I think I'll rename this wig GWEN):

And Miley's wig (which makes me look like Mamma Cass!):

Anyway, it's 7:30 in the morning in those pics and I haven't even wiped the sleep out of my eyes but what FUN FUN FUN!

But I'm easily amused.

G has requested the Stephanie wig from LazyTown. He has a yet untapped mild fetish for japananime style porn. I may exploit this...

Well, after a few reads of 'A chat with A' I realised I was a little harsh with him. I felt like I had to be honest about ending the flirting and whatnot. I think if I'd slept longer than 3 hours the previous two nights and I hadn't got high then maybe I wouldn't have blatantly told him I think he's in a loveless marriage.

So I emailed him this morning. I never email him. He hasn't replied but it wouldn't surprise me if this email is defunct.

So here it went:

I was out of line last night.
I meant to talk to you about things being different between us now and then when I did I thought, "Fuck it, Might as well say it all."

It wasn't my place to say anything.
Only you know if you're happy.

I also shouldn't try to explain myself when I am that sleep deprived.

I sent you my {Saturday, Designer bags, lie-ins and Optimism} blog because I thought it might get across that even if you are unhappy things can change for the better. They did for me and I had no hope left.

x

ALL OF ME IS MINE

If I'm still alone by now it's by design
I only own myself, but all of me is mine.
But it's hard sometimes when strangers
offer you a dime.
I only own myself, but all of me is mine.

If I still drink water when some folks drink wine
I only own myself, but all of me is mine.
But it's hard when city windows dance
with candleshine.
I only own myself, but all of me is mine.

The price you pay for sunshine
can sometimes be quite dear
when all you have to sell is youth
it's hard to lose another year
my only forced submission
has been the rape of time.
I only own myself, but all of me is mine.

Rod McKuen

You have invited 'A' to start viewing webcam. Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the pending invitation.

becky s says:
omg perve indeed
becky s says:
Im not wearing any makeup
becky s says:
and am in sweats
becky s says:
so good luck

A: does it always have to be this difficult?
me: what specifically?

{LONG PAUSE}

me: come on, was fallin asleep and got up especially...

A: Can't remember now?

me: liar?

A: I think I was just talking about our conversations and how you make them difficult

me: I make things difficult?
me: hardly
me: that's u

A: We both do

me: no, its all you

A: Thanks - that made me smile

me: yeah, that's all me

A: I get it

me: what's been difficult tonight then?
me: me asking you direct q's?

me: guess what I'm doing {no dirty guesses}

A: your blog?

A: Making a space for your new bag?

me: no
me: and no
me: cremating a fillet steak

A: I wouldn't have guessed

me: no kidding eh?

A: Apparently not
A: Sorry, anyway

me: what's been difficult tonight then?

me: me asking you direct q's?
me: again and again

{LONG PAUSE}

me: fine brb need narcotics for this conversation

A: narcotics?
A: oh I see

{LONG PAUSE, MINUTES EVEN}

A: Why ARE you up so late anyway?

me: u

A: fair enough
A: I feel special now
A: I'm sorry

me: for?

A: Being a pain in the arse

me: when?
me: which time?

A: All the time apparently
A: Don't push your luck

me: but that's what I do best
me: sorry, so why are you apologising?

A: For making things difficult

me: how do you think you are making things difficult for me right now?

A: you told me

me: or do you mean that you make things difficult when I ask you direct questions and you skirt about

A: that

me: why are you doing that again?

A: I don't know
A: You know, I was desperate to come online and talk to you about loads of stuff, but I can't think of any of it now

me: there you go again; you know
me: did you really think about me then!? ha

A: I did
A: Even if you didn't think about me

me: oh I did, I though, lucky bastards getting some time alone together...
me: and briefly wondered if you brought your wii
me: tried to imagine what you'd do on holiday alone
me: cus I know what we'd be doing but I doubts its the same

A: Me alone
A: Us?

me: no you and your wife

me: no kids

A: The last time we did that was our honeymoon

me: 5 years ago

A: yep

me: G's mom has offered to take E for our weekend away
me: I'm thinking spain
me: G needs some sun and beach

A: Looking a bit albino?

me: na, all his feckles join and make him look quite dark

A: crazy

me: so you were on holiday, you have no excuse to be thinking about me do you?

A: I suppose not
A: I take it all back
A: I didn't think about you at all
A: except for the times I did
A: and there I go again

me: there you go again what?

A: Being difficult

me: so what's up!?

A: I told you - I'm just feeling blue.

me: if you don't want to talk to me that's fine

A: I do - what a quandry

me: so do

A: So why are you eating steak now?

me: not eating-cooking

me: and done

A: why?

me: [shrug}
me: I thought maybe i could stomach a few bites
me: I'm not going to but its nice thinly sliced so I can have a bite here and there tomorrow?

A: makes sense

me: I mostly eat strawberries

A: yum
A: English I hope

me: course
me: and portabello mushrooms
me: and peppers

A: woo

me: and feta cheese
me: in fact
me: that and kiwi is all I eat

A: I seem to like apples lately

me: I love macintosh apples and hardly ever see them
me: my kingdom for a mac

A: I wouldn't eat one of those though

me: y not??

A: Couldn't eat a whole computer

{LONG PAUSE}

me: your tragic
me: you're
me: tragic

A: so tragic you said it twice

me: and was going for a third but thought twice (or is it thrice?)

me: what made you think about me

A: Just musing about meeting you
A: thought about how interesting that could be
A: That and the fact you're buggering off anyway - so there isn't much time to get it sorted
A: And I wondered why we wanted to
A: And then moved onto other things
A: and then thought about it later on again
A: and so forth

me: why we wanted to meet?

A: yup

me: odd, what was your conclusion?

A: I didn't come to one
A: It was kind of an open-ended thought process

me: its complicated figuring out what you're saying
me: especially drugged and sleep deprived
me: oh, and I wanted to meet you because the only thing ever stopping me was insecurities Ive long since grown out of
me: and I'm leaving
me: seems a shame

A: Yeah

me: why WOULDN'T you want to meet me?

A: lol

me: don't you trust yourself around me?

A: You couldn't be an axe murderer

me: exactly

A: That's it!
A: I'm worried I couldn't keep my hands off you
A: You'd have to mace me or something
A: Damnit! It's so clear now!

me: ha what percentage of that statement is true?

A: I think it's open for a public survey

me: we both know if i wanted you you'd be powerless to stop me
me: I always get what I want

A: ah - but what if it were the other way around, hmm?
A: You don't consider that

me: I have;I feel safe

A: I suppose I couldn't use the accent to an advantage anymore

me: nope
me: if you were the A I've had dirty dreams about, then id be worried but I'm a clever girl and you and he are not one in the same

A: lol
A: very good

me: well its true
me: I'm desperately seeking a dominant personality in my life
me: no one ever controls me properly anymore

A: Well, I suppose that I'll have to bear that in mind

me: do you think if you really wanted me you'd have the balls to get me?

A: Yep
A: I think that I could do it

me: do you want me?

A: sure. Why not?

me: well good luck

A: lmao

me: 'sure, why not?' does not cut it with a girl like me

A: I bet it does

me: doesn't

me: not at all

A: does

me: lol

me: you doughnut
me: repeating does doesn't make it so

A: does

me: now, if you were the type of man who'd automatically have said:
me: yes
me: yes i want you
me: now!
me: then things might be different for us

A: lol
A: humerous to think about

me: never seems humerous
me: to me
me: oddly

A: you quite happily make light of it though

me: have I?
me: I haven't made light of anything
me: I asked you a question
me: you mocked

A: Sorry - didn't mean to mock if you feel it being serious
me: its not a big deal

me: you're being weird-you know that right?

A: yeah

me: I'M FREEZING TO DEATH

A: Put a blanket on then

me: pulled my hoodie up

A: nifty

me: wrapped round laptop for heat
me: watching rex and nicole fight
me: funny

A: Who are Rex and Nicole?

me: neymind, BB

A: ok

me: u falling asleep?

A: no
A: just thinking

me: do tell

A: I shouldn't have mocked

me: I was only asking cus you're acting weird

A: Fair enough - that's understandable
A: no - no it isn't
A: that makes no sense

me: which is it?

A: the latter

me: YOU
me: R
me: BEING
me: weird with me

A: yes I am

me: my girl sense says either you're mad at me or you fancy me
me: or you're mental

me: or a combination

A: I always fancy you
A: I AM mental
A: I'm definitely not mad at you

me: no you don't always fancy me
me: but you are mostly mental

A: cheers

me: so why are you being weird then?
me: its like you've regressed...
me: this is how you used to be all "I have shit to tell you..."

A: I just need someone right now who is out of my day-to-day
A: Turns out that's not you.

me: sorry what?
A

: You're pretty much a feature of my daily life now
A: And a part I look forward to
A: I tried to call Phill today but he's in Portugal

me: what would you get from someone who isn't part of your day to day life

A: Objectivity
A: My own clarity maybe

me: about?

A: I tell you what
A: Let me start again, ok?

me: yes please!

A: I've really cocked up
A: OK - here goes
A: I was thinking about you occasionally on my holiday
A: I was missing you
A: I missed our chats
A: At the end - I felt down. Maybe because of the holiday coming to an end.
A: So I got thinking about us meeting up, and thought that if it's going to be one day - that I hope that it's a pretty perfect day
A: Getting home I suddenly felt quite lonely even though {his wife} and A were here
A: I suppose I want a holiday from my own life for a couple if days

me: god don't we all

A: I'm getting slightly down knowing that I've got over 300 emails waiting for me from Monday

me: ok.. come here......
me: {cuddle}
me: but don't tell anyone

A: lol
A: thank you
A: is that better?

me: it would have saved a lot of time if you'd just said that in the first place

me: listen I never said thank you for last year
me: I wasn't happy and I escaped from my life
me: well you know
me: things are different now

me: I get on at you to just say things and then I don't...

me: I used you
me: last summer
me: to make myself feel better
me: not in a bad way
me: in a necessary way

A: ok

me: I think
me: if things were reversed
me: I'm no longer in a position to be able to reciprocate?
me: not like you did

A: I think that I get what you're saying

me: its nowt to do with you
me: I justify the way i felt last summer because I feel guilty
me: but at the end of the day
me: {shrug}

A: I've got to admit - you've lost me a bit there

me: where?

A: The bit where you were going on about last year, you want to reciprocate, and it was nothing to do with me

me: lol
me: so everything?

A: pretty much
A: But thanks for the sentiment

me: well what sentiment then?

A: You being kind to me and saying "thanks"
A: for being me
A: maybe

me: lol
me: i think you like to make things difficult
me: I was unhappy
me: yeah?

A: yep

me: I used the thought of you to pretend I wasn't here
me: still with me?

A: I think so

me: and it helped me
me: I justify fancing you last summer because
me: G was a knob
me: a gigantic dillhole
me: and I needed to be happy
me: but
me: really
me: well it was unfair
me: of me

{PAUSE}

A: I'm still here in case you're wondering

me: and r u still following?

A: yes

me: well I guess what I'm trying to say
me: you know this mental affair we had? well, it's over

{LONG PAUSE}

A: I can get on board with that

me: please do
me: i think meeting will help rather then hinder
me: but either way

A: yes?

me: either way I feel bound to G
me: consumed

A: good

me: I KNOW!

A: WOO!

me: that's what I've been saying
me: bound isn't right...
me: I choose to be bound to him
me: I let the lines between good and naughty be blurred before
me: but now I love him more than i ever have anyone (even the lanky one)
me: so things need to change

A: What things?

me: us

A: right

me: nothing dramatic

A: I tell you what. You tell me the changes you want.

me: don't play stupid
me: I'm tired

A: So am I.
A: Although I didn't go to bed at 6 in fairness

me: no
me: I suppose i want to say something but can't think of a good way to say it
me: or even decide if it's appropriate
me: but I'm tired and want to go to sleep so here goes:

me: I was unhappy. My relationship sucked.

What's your excuse?

A: That's pretty good

me: I'm sorry

A: What for?

me: being blunt
me: rude
me: possibly inserting my foot

A: Subtlety never worked on me

me: seriously
me: cus the way I feel now
me: an did before I had any problems with him
me: is that I would and could never feel anything for anyone else like i do for him
me: like I only have so much love
me: and he's absorbing it all
me: so if I feel that way....

me: well are you happy?

{LONG PAUSE}

A: Most of the time
A: Today I'm neither happy or unhappy

me: could you be happier?
me: in general with your relationship

A: To what end?

me: to all consuming love

{ANOTHER LONG PAUSE}#

A: I can't imagine my life being any different

me: that's not the same thing pickle

A: There are times when we stay up late talking nonsense and I think, "This is perfect."
A: Those points I couldn't imagine being happier. I'm aware of going to sleep feeling great.
A: And then sometimes (rarely) I feel like this
A: The world around me is scenery in some 2D drawing
A: I can see everything not fitting together quite right
A: People talk to me and I can hear what they say but I can't process it properly

A: I understand but it doesn't move me

me: everyone feels like that

me: jesus that happens to me DAILY

A: Well, that's how I've been feeling

me: things can be better
me: I think
me: but that's for you to decide
me: i think she has been very good for you
me: but I assume she had a lot more credit in your happiness than you do
me: but now I'm not so sure

me: were things different last summer between the two of you, is that why you let yourself be dragged into my thing?

A: Well, that is blunt

me: well I'm tired and it needs to be said

A: You're saying you don't think I love C?

me: I'm saying is what you have enough?

me: I'll leave that with you

A: Cheers

A: Well, you have a good night

me: morning and don't be like that

A: I'm not - you said "I'll leave it with you"

me: good, ok then

A: ok

me: fine

me: HEY

A: hey

me: I want for you what I have
me: that's all
me: goodnight

A: night

me: sweetdreams

A has signed out. (8/17/2008 2:09 AM)

I don't know what the catalyst was to my leaving G last summer. Perhaps the mountain of compromise, regret and resentment had finally just toppled over. Maybe it was premature 7 year itch. I doesn't really matter...

I remember G asking me, "Why now? I love you. You know I love you; shouldn't that be enough?"

"There are just too many things G. It's not just that you have never changed a shitty diaper. It's not just because you never go down on me. And it sure as hell isn't just because you threw that mug at my head. It's all of that and so much more..." All of this is spoken very quietly. I've long since learned that the only way G might listen to me when he's feel defensive is if I stay very, very quiet. Otherwise he reacts as though I am screaming abuse at him. There is no in between.

These things are true. G has, in the past broke my heart with his stubbornness, anger and rage but in the past those times remain. Forever adapting and changing we are to stay in love as long as we can...

But because of how I felt last year, G was sure I was no longer in love with him. When I asked myself if I saw a future with him the answer was always HELL NO! As far as I was concerned it was all to clear, he was never going to change. If we didn't have a 9 month old baby together, all the more so complicated by the fact that we'd have to share custody across the pond, I'd have written a Dear John and walked.

I debated how to leave. I started a blog called 'How To Fall Out Of Love' that did really well. I struggled with feeling so much love for G and still not wanting to stay with him. I know now that being in love doesn't mean being right for each other.

Odd though it is, we continued out daily sex life, seemingly unperturbed by the reality of our situation. Admittedly, it was at my discretion and I'm an insatiable whore, but in hindsight it probably kept us close.

Our evenings were spent mostly apart. Me on my laptop exactly where I sit now and G in his computer room, oddly, where he is now. I assure you, this happens a lot less frequently as of late!

That's when I messaged A and got all nostalgic and we all know that ex-boyfriends + unfifilment + nostalgia = flirting with disaster.

We started chatting every night. Sometimes when I couldn't get away I'd wait until G was asleep, slip out of bed, text A, he'd come online. We'd chat until dawn when I'd slip back into bed just in time to wake G up by slowly licking him hard or fondling him until I could just get on top. Some of the conversations A and I had bordered on naughty and always left me writhing in my seat regardless of innocence. But I'm a bit slutty

Everyone needs someone to fancy them. I can't begin to get into the 10 year complicated relationship that is what A and I have but I can sum it up. A fancies me and that makes me feel good. At least it did when I needed it to. Now it feels like a burden keeping up flirtations I neither need nor desire.

But I think A does both need and desire my companionship right now. I suspect he's going through his own phase of questioning his life, marriage etc. that all us married folk do. Can I be the person he was for me in the same situation? Probably not. I'm far too selfish and much too much in love to pretend otherwise just to boost his ego.

Also I am very annoyed I've been sitting here waiting for him for so long that my bum is asleep. Me finks it's time to go watch BB.

I got a message this morning from A. He's been away in Cornwall with his wife the dance instructor and their son, also called A. He's desperate to speak to me and can I please be online tonight.

So here I sit.

A and I have never hugged, never touched. We met 10 years ago online. I was smitten but A had a girlfriend. Eventually he realised the error of his ways and chose me. I thought I loved him too.

A introduced me to B, a mate of his who wanted to travel to Canada. He was 18, I was 19. He came to stay with my parents and we fell desperately in love. But that's another (tragic)story I'll get to eventually.

A and I have taken years to get back to where we are today. Now I'm wondering where we are exactly! Let's see...

It all started last May. My memory's not so good. Luckily, I had bookmarked his blog:

See it like a time machine
So, I had an old flame IM me out of the blue a few days ago. This has led to me not having a shower for a few days and re-evaluating my thoughts on pasts loves.

It was a little strange, we exchanged pleasantries and then I ran off because I had things to do. Will you be around?? I was asked. Yes, I replied. Not really knowing where I'd be going this time round.

But heres the catch. I've never met this woman. Its one of those crazy stories of love on the net that we can all quite happily mock. I loved this girl. Well, not immediately. But she insisted, and eventually my mind switched to her way of thinking. It all went horribly wrong from that point on.

So last Monday I sat down at my computer to get some work done when she came online. We ended up chatting until 2:30am. It was quite a rush - and I'm not quite sure why. She told me that she couldn't remember all of the events that surrounded our relationship (and the subsequent break-up that went with it). There were gaps she needed to have filled in. Of course, I was the fountain of knowledge for memory!

It was quite hard to open up some of these old wounds, even though so much has changed since our initial encounters. We have both moved on. We're both married. We both have a son. We both live in England. Yet she felt in need of some therapy. Maybe I do, too. That's the beauty of the mind - you think you know yourself, yet I am personally capable of hurting people who are close to me by dropping hurtful remarks into innocent conversations and allowing them to fester. I know that I do this to two people at least. Both are women of whom I've had a relationship in the past.

We covered our past feelings for one another. I was the first person she ever loved, she said. She complained that she always had to prise information out of me. She explained that she couldn't believe I loved her, because she had to work on me to make me feel that way.

I admit, she was persistent. Still - 7 or 8 years on and I still have difficulty being straight with her. Nevertheless, I confessed my sins. I could never get out of my head the moment that she told me over the phone that she'd fallen for the guy at work who was over there on his shag-a-thon (I think that's what he called it). At the time - knowing that he'd drop in on her while on his rounds - there was an inevitability to what was going to happen. Every time I think about it I also think about the lyric from Marillion's The Space. For about a week leading up to that moment I knew what was going to happen to me. I remember holding the phone in my hand and it caused me pain that I hadn't felt in a while - so I hung-up. She didn't call back and I ex-communicated myself from them. I changed my email address, my online name. Everything I could think of (that didn't cost money).

So, that's how my relationship is epitomized with her. And I told her. A phone burning in my hands.

She told me to stop it.

So, I'm moving on (again). I felt quite buzzed about the whole thing. Then I chatted to her again late the next day. The buzz gradually faded and I became defensive again. I was a jerk. She was trying to talk about things that mattered, and I couldn't deal with it.

I remember Phill chatting to me during his last visit. There was a cross-examination in a cafe. Was I really happy? Where is the passion? Do I actually feel anything? You know that you have a good friend when he tries to make you question your marriage, family and place in life. Still, I found opening up to a close friend equally difficult - but I was much less of a jerk.

Still, I think I passed. I love my life. Sure, I work hard. Harder than most. And sometimes I get in a rut, or feel down. Then there are evenings I spend chatting with my wife. Afternoons that I play with my son. Everything is great. I find myself feeling emotions through others rather than in myself. If I can make people happy, I can be happy. Sometimes I've been told I'm too generous - but the end result is actually quite selfish.

So we've moved on in two ways now. In life, we've found happiness. In our online relationship (we've still never met in fear of space/time collapsing if we do), we've grown and moved away from those young people who couldn't quite get it right. She still has trouble extracting information from me. This evening I tried to explain why I'm sometimes hurtful and defensive. I can't understand it myself. Maybe subconsciously a mechanism for feeling too much for someone who isn't in my immediate family? Maybe guilty for still having some feelings for past loves? Who knows.

Still, too much internet chat mean that I haven?t had a shower for a few days. That shows that I've been online far too much!

If I can get over my own personal emotional problems - then life can only get better. I'm sure I'll be aiming for that until I die - but as goals go, it's the journey and relationships that make it worthwhile. If you think you've succeeded, then you're probably missed the point.

In that respect, all of the trudging up the past could only have been a benefit to me. I thank that I have recently forgotten that there's always room to improve myself, something I've neglected recently.

It's time to change that - time to take a shower.

Tags: IM, Internet, Love, Marillion

This entry was posted on Wednesday, May 23rd, 2007 at 9:30 pm and is filed under Life.

How come when I cut and pasted this from his website all the ' turned into ?'s ???

Anyway, in editing it I was forced to read it again and even though it's more than a year old it's making me feel very guilty about the way I behaved last summer.

But to be fair I was a girl desperate to fall out of love, with more than one man.

What a brilliant Saturday morning!

I stumbled into bed this morning at 5:34. I stole all the heat I could get from a sleepy G and then passed out until 7. That's when E generally begins his morning singing/baby banter. I gently nudged (or persistantly poked) G until he got up to feed and love E in the manner to which he has become accustomed.

I woke up again at 9:30 and immediately thought, "My auction on ebay is ending!!"
I wiped the sleep from my eyes, threw on a t-shirt and ran down the stairs to check my bid status.

Still winning.

Thank Christ for that.

I want this bag so bad I can't stop thinking about it. It's been improperly listed so isn't getting the attention it so rightly deserves. I only found it as I was looking for orange leather bags.
It's Chloe. It's sexy. The seller stated that it used to belong to her husbands nan who passed away recently. Hmm.. put people off much?

Not me! I fucking want it even more! What sort of nan has a bag like this? A nan I'd like to have! I keep imagining her, all full of life, strutting about with my soon-to-be arm candy...

I don't imagine for a minute that I won't get this bag even though there is a price limit. I generally get everything I truly desire although that's seldom something material. Life just seems to work that way for me. Or is it my optimism? Does being optimistic make me more likely to think my life is great because I focus on the good things rather than the bad?

Take for instance the fact that I dreamily look at bags on ebay all the time and have never fell in love with ANY of them until this one and then G got a nice bonus at work we weren't expecting and, TA-DA! I can afford to bid! Hmm...

Recently my mother in law said to me:

"T, considering what's happened to the two of you over the past year..."

"How do you mean?" Truly perplexed. "This past year has been the best year yet for G and I. We are more in love than ever!"

"Well, it wasn't really, was it? I mean, You left him just under a year ago and he was here depressed and unable to cope without knowing if things would work out. Then you did come back but left again and then came back and broke your leg, and then G had to go on anti-depressants and then you almost died..."

"Is that how you see our life this year? Because I don't see it that way. I see that G and I almost ENDED but that we bounced back from that to where we are now, madly, passionately in love having conquered the problems we thought were insurmountable. How amazing is that?
We've changed our lives, first with taking in G's sister and nephew N after her divorce, then we totally revamped our lifestyle and diet and THEN we took on this relocation to Toronto in September.
This past year has been the best thing that could have happened to us and G feels the same way." Rant over.

Why had I become so defensive?

{long pause}

"You know, I hadn't thought of it that way." She said. And then, in typical mother-in-law fashion, continued, "but realistically....!"

I tuned out right about then.

SO who cares whether I think I have amazing luck and an uncanny ability to get what I want or whether I'm just like everybody else and I only CHOOSE to see what I want.

Auction ended. Bag mine.

So I suppose, either way, I'm one lucky girl.

I got into a small argument with G tonight. He stormed off upstairs. I've busied myself with folding laundry, ironing. There is nothing to fight about. Just both of us being moody.
It's 5:30 am. My hands are cold, he eyes heavier by the second...
My CHLOE bag on ebay is ending in a few hours.. I'm still highest bidder...{yawn} or am I dreaming...
I'm going to crawl into bed with G in a moment and mold myself into the curve of his spine, my knees pressed against his fleshy bum and absorb all his sleepy G warmpth. I may slide my hand to the front and softly stroke him in his sleep as I do because I love feeling him grow hard in my hand without him even waking...

But christ help him if he doesn't get up to feed E in the morning!

NITE {again}

The sex ban has been lifted, albeit with a condom (just in case the thrush isn't COMPLETELY GONE; we don't want to have to do THIS again!!!) but I HAD SEX none-the-less! And thank fuck for that! Last night I asked G to sleep in a different room (not that he was having any of it) because I couldn't sleep beside him, all naked and sleepy and naked {drool}.

So maybe this week I'll be thinking LESS about how random men like to shag and get a little more work done visa vie the friggin' move to Canada.

The moving company is coming Wednesday morning to measure up and tell me how many cubic metres my life can be squeezed into. The difficult bit is figuring out when to send it and what we can live without (either here or in Toronto) for up to 6 weeks.

E and I went to meet G for lunch today. We (they) had sandwiches and then walked to a photoshop to have out passport photos taken for some random part of G's work application visa or something complicated like that. E was a star despite blatantly refusing to have his haircut yesterday (it's been half cut in the front now for 6 weeks as he won't allow anyone to go near him with scissors!!) and his photos turned out devious and cheeky, just like E.
G looks boyish and his blue eyes pop against the white of his shirt and the white background.
I look ill.

I made it home in time to meet the little girls who are taking my labrador Honey in September when we move. They haven't been able to walk Honey since she went into season which is just as well as the younger girl broke her arm last week and can't really have Honey jumping about on her so the older girl comes for visits. Unfortunately G's parents showed up then with N (3 year old nephew of G's) and I was stuck in the garden entertaining instead of getting my Friday super clean done. They all left about 5 minutes before i was due to get G from work.
So of course J calls and needs a lift. Apparently my drug dealer is in jail for attempted murder. Hmm... how the fuck do I know someone in jail for attempted murder? I'm a suburban corporate housewife! HA-HA. This amuses me...
I managed some lovely roasted red pepper and feta for dinner a few hours ago. I'm well proud of myself! I even had a few strawberries and a couple of slices of kiwi. Yeah that's right, go ahead and praise me

I'm totally procrastinating. I've still got 2 more loads of laundry to fold and I will FINALLY be done for the day. Unfortunately as I write this it's just gone midnight.

I met G in Toronto in the spring of 2001. We had a whirlwind romance, fell in love and I followed him back here to the UK.
I knew that I was in love and that I needed to be with him and the only way for us to legally be able to do that was to get married. So in September 2001, after knowing each other for 3 months we were married. I almost never refer to G as my husband, instead calling him my boyfriend. It annoys him to no end. I also wear my ring about 5 times a year. I like to keep him guessing...

We spend the first few years moving from country to country, having sex and fighting. G and I are NOTHING what-so-ever alike. He's shy and anti-social. I'm an extrovert/flirt. I missed my friends and found it difficult to make any here as I couldn't legally work or go to school. I would have bailed on the relationship numerous times had I not taken my marriage commitment vows so seriously. Good times and bad there were, but that's what you get at the best of times, isn't it?

I got pregnant unexpectedly in 2006. Gray never wanted any children and blamed me for the pregnancy. He tried to convince me to have an abortion even stooping so low as to remind me that the only other time I had ever been pregnant (19, just been dumped) I was more than willing to 'get rid'. Classy.

I didn't (get rid that is).

Enter E. Born 3 weeks late by C-section on July 9th, 2006. G fell in love with him instantly. I like the little guy too.

This past year a lot of things have happened in my life that have changed me.
Just before E turned one last summer I left G and flew back to Canada to think about whether I could be with just this one person for the rest of my life. I felt continually let down by him. He adored E but was extremely reluctant to help out with him at all, believing that it was my job as I wasn't working a 9-5, although I do breed labradors and sell my artwork. I couldn't see a future with him but after just less than a month he convinced me that the only way things could get better was if I came back to the UK as he wasn't willing to talk to me otherwise.
I flew back and spent 6 weeks here trying to be happy. We finally called it quits in August of last year. By then G had convinced me that I must not love him if I was so unhappy as it couldn't be a direct result of his actions. We began the usual separation malarkey and once again I packed up and flew back into Toronto to contemplate life, the universe and everything else.
In September something finally clicked with G and it was like he suddenly understood why I had been so unhappy. He begged me to come home and 2 days later on my birthday me and E set off once again on a 23 hours, door-to-door transatlantic adventure.
I got home the day after my birthday. G and I spent the day in bed and his promises of a new attitude stayed true.
The next day he left for a conference in London.
The day after that I fell down the stairs and broke my leg in 4 places.
It felt like my world was going to end. It was so badly broken I was in hospital for almost a week and wasn't able to move it at all.
G sank into a deep depression in the first few days. Previously he had never even been alone in the house with E. He didn't know what to feed him. He didn't know how to run the house plus he still had his full time job to do from home. He also had to take care of me...
It was utter hell. My beautiful house became filthy around me. G blamed me for his unhappiness whenever he could. We'd have screaming rows that would end up with me sobbing, dragging my busted ass upstairs. Then G went on antidepressants.
Funny thing is, as time went on G and I both had a chance to see things from each others perspective. Sitting on my ass being waited on I could finally see how easy it is to take someone for granted when they do everything for you. I forgave him. G could finally see how taking care of E, the house and the pets was so demanding. He started helping out more.
I went through a lot of physiotherapy and my leg may never be the same but I look at the busted, permanently bruised area of my leg and think about how I wouldn't have had it any other way. It has made our relationship that much stronger.
So, I was learning to walk again (it was a race with E, he won, the cheeky baby) and life seemed impossibly amazing. So of course, I started getting ill again. I'd had issues with my stomach for years but this time things were more serious.
Unfortunately, I had to go in for surgury when I had a litter of labrador puppies still at home. G is not a doggy fan and has never had anything to do with the puppies so he was mortified at the amount of work they are! I'm proud to say, despite a few tantrums, G was very classy about it all and even managed to sell the last 2!

I'm getting much better now. I had a few slices of fillet steak and an ENTIRE portabello mushroom with pesto and feta for dinner last night! I'm a girl on the mend...

I am so in love with G. He makes me laugh everyday. I don't think that he's my soulmate. I don't think I believe in soulmates anymore. I believe relationships will work if both people want it and are willing to compromise their asses off.

Now, all I have to do is convince him to let me have sex with loads of other people and we're good for life

This angers me greatly.

I used to bark like a dog after each hiccup when I was a kid. Somehow it made me feel better.

Apparently grownups think you're mental if you do that.

I fucking hate hiccups...

It's Day 5. Feels like Day 144. I may yet die. I got turned on seeing the girl across the roads breasts when she was feeding her baby. How perverted is that!? I wasn't thinking anything coherent, just afterwards thought fondly upon the naked, mismatched breasts that had been in front of me. I have no shame...

So, aside from thoughts of sex, sexual encounters, cock, naked boobies, etc. my brain has been occupied (15%) with details of moving.
It's all so very complicated! G's company has hired another company to work for us that specialize in handling all aspects of overseas moves. They appoint a financial advisor, a realtor, a guide to the city, a shipping company, temporary accommodation in downtown Toronto, etc.
My contact is a longwinded young lad named Paul Allen (isn't that the guy from American Psycho?!) who reminds me that I no longer sound Canadian. I casually flirted with him (keep in mind he knows I'm moving with my husband and 2 year old son) in the hopes that he would let me know how to best milk the company that is paying us both. I got a few helpful hints... WHOAHA HA HA HA! {that's my evil laugh!}
So, I have been given a spending allowance of UP TO £2000 for moving expenses. All G has to do is present VIABLE receipts when he starts in Canada. Now, if I were to buy viable moving products and then return them for store credit I can then buy whatever I want and ship it to Canada courtesy of the company. Ha.
He also casually mentioned that the company employing us both has to pay for an entire shipping container even though we are only allocated half. I may exploit this.

Mentally, I'm not prepared for winter in Canada. I'm also not so keen on not being 'The Canadian Girl' as I will be one amongst many again. Tut. I'll have to remember what made me feel special when I lived there before...

Managed to eat those roasted red peppers with feta cheese last night! I was chuffed as I didn't at all feel like I was digesting iron ore. I was super busy with E today, shopping, running errands, wandering round the park and cleaning that I just forgot to eat. I took him to Subway for lunch and he managed to eat an entire kids meal (!) but I couldn't even fathom the thought of a bite passing my lips. It's all so random.
Anyway, I bought myself a mega thick cut of fillet steak today in the hopes of coaxing my appetite with some iron. I may throw it on the BBQ tomorrow. I like it burned on the outside and mooing on the inside. How I was ever a vegan I'll never know!

1. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?
Hell yes! Kissing girls is awesome. WAS awesome. I never get to make out with girls anymore. Stupid monogamy.

2. How often do you wank?
Does it count if I get interrupted in the middle? No? Then never.

3. Where do you wish you were right now?
Finishing that wank!

4. Were you in love with the first person you slept with?
Yes but thinking back, I was more in love with the idea of him.

5. Do you have any guilt inside of you?
Is guilt a euphemism for something?

6. Have you ever wished anyone dead, however brief?
I've honestly wished for so many people to drop dead I've long since lost count. Few have, dropped dead that is. So far...

7. Assuming you HAD to be, would you rather be a colour, smell or sound?
I'd be the sound of someone cumming!

8. How and when do you imagine you are going to die?

Hmm.. There are actually a few.
1. Accident. Messy. Like pieces missing, closed casket messy. I'm in my mid 30's.
2. Like Mamma Cass. Pastrami on rye. Anytime now...
or
3. (This is most likely) I begin writing a convicted serial killer in prison and, over time, we fall in love and begin conjugal visits. During one of our sexy visits he hangs, rapes and sodomise me. I choke on my own vomit and die before the prison guard realise I've screamed my safety word. I'm 43.

9. Do you think love is forever?
Do I believe in love?

10. What is your worst fear for your future?
That I live eternally OR I break my spine and can't feel my junk anymore.

11. Do you LOVE anything about yourself? If so, what is it?
Tee he he. Can't say!

12. Would you lie if you KNEW you could never get caught?
YES! Probably only one or two massive lies. No little lame ones. Like I wouldn't, for instance, lie about whether I had a cigarette or not. But I would lie if I accidentally fell on top on some guys wiener.

13. Could you have sex knowing someone could hear you?
I think people hear us having sex at least once a week. The neighbours in the back have applauded us.

14. What, if anything, do you do to make people do what you want?
People just do what I want. If they don't, I say, "Hey, people! Just do what I want!" and that generally seems to work. Except that one time when I had to bust out a bat...

15. How many times, if any, have you lied answering these questions?

None. 0. Just this one question...

FINE! Wimps... honestly!

1. Hell yes!

2. Not as much as I used to? At my most (like when I was 19 and living with 3 lads) I averaged 4 times a day but who has time for that!?

3. On a beach, enjoying the sun, maybe the Maldives...having sex, obviously.

4. Yes. Very much so.

5. None. Some. A little bit. Crap!

6. Yes. More than once.

7. I'd like to be a smell. Smells form better memories for me than any other sense.

8. I'll probably die in some spectacular accident with dismembered bodies strewn about the highway. I'll be like 38 or something.

9. I think my love is forever but that I have a very limited amount of it.

10. To become incapable of taking care of myself!

11. I love my eternal optimism

12. Yes.

13. Yes.

14. I have charms. Plus, people seem to be intimidated by me, fuck knows why.

15. I may have fibbed twice.

Here we go boys and girlies! This is my Questionnaire! Comes from my minxy little skull it does!
Have a read.
PLEASE, feel free to anon-comment your answers to me or blog them and send me a link!
MUCH APPRECIATED!

Go on, you know you want to...

15 QUESTIONS YOU WANT TO ANSWER

1. Have you ever kissed someone of the same sex?

2. How often do you wank?

3. Where do you wish you were right now?

4. Were you in love with the first person you slept with?

5. Do you have any guilt inside of you?

6. Have you ever wished anyone dead, however brief?

7. Assuming you HAD to be, would you rather be a colour, smell or sound?

8. How and when do you imagine you are going to die?

9. Do you think love is forever?

10. What is your worst fear for your future?

11. Do you LOVE anything about yourself? If so, what is it?

12. Would you lie if you KNEW you could never get caught?

13. Could you have sex knowing someone could hear you?

14. What, if anything, do you do to make people do what you want?

15. How many times, if any, have you lied answering these questions?

Go on, ANSWER THE Q's! If you do I will...

I know people never talk about these things but:

I was the little girl who liked to convince other chidren to show me what was in their pants and let me poke about a bit. {shock, horror}

I remember getting caught licking a girls clit (I told her I was playing Dr.) by her mother, who was friends with my mom. All I knew was that when I touched myself I liked it so if I licked her there then surely she'd enjoy it? I was probably 4.

I remember years later when I was about 15 babysitting two cousins who decided to simulate sex in the tub. They were 4. Everyone I later told about it said that they were exposed to something to make them do that. Some suggestions were that maybe they had walked in on someone having sex or the little boy had seen his fathers porn. One of my friends was convinced that one or both of the kids MUST have been molested! I didn't know what to think. It's only now, looking back that I realise that even as a very young girl I was highly sexual and if I was maybe they were just two kids who liked to rub up against one another. It's not like I didn't do worse...

No, I was never molested. Not even an uncle ever tried to get fresh with me. Ooo! One time a guy I babysat for came home early without his wife and tried to touch my hooha's but I wasn't having any of it. I was 12. If he'd persisted I would have used the technique my father taught me the year before to uppercut a guys nose shattering the bone. My daddy loves me.

Anyway, give us a shout out if you too were a child perve! It would be nice to confirm what I suspect; that I'm not the only one!

(This was written whilst waiting for my redpepper and feta to grill. Going to attempt to have a bit. WISH ME LUCK!)

MONDAY! Why must you try to destroy me!?

G has a yeast infection. How fucked up is that? It's been DAYS since I had the cock. I may die. Apparently it's too painful. Wimp.

I've just been ogling my neighbours fathers ass as he was bent over putting her baby in the car! He's 55 if he's a day! Q: What's wrong with me? A: I'm a whore when I'm getting sex on a daily basis, never mind when I've not had any for days!
Last summer I abstained from sex (with myself and others!) for 3 weeks. Towards the end I was so horny whenever anyone got close I'd want to rub up against them.

Anyway! Just had a builder in to get a quote to fix the cracking on the front of the house. I had to stress that we need it done NOW as we are leaving in as soon as 6 weeks! Then I realised that that is NOT a lot of time at all...

I need a holiday! I'm booking a few short breaks before we leave the UK. I'll miss how close we are to so many different cultures! Stupid Toronto, smack dab in the middle of North America...{mumble} stupid Americans piss me off...{rant}.

I think I become more irate when I'm horny and unfulfilled.

So this week I gotta:

1. Get all 4 works quotes in
2. Find home for cat
3. Find home for husbands who don't put out
4. Buy more batteries

Well, after ALL that I was up folding/ironing clothes until midnight. And THEN, me being me, I decide to empty the dishwasher. I put 2 large glass bowls into the cupboard and continued to put things away. Somehow the bowls fell OUT of the cupboard and hit the granite counter shattering into dust. I had little shards of glass in my arms. I had to bust out the vacuum and of course that woke E up who spent the next hour singing quietly to himself.

Anyway, Saturday morning we chilled. I wandered round the park for ages with my dog and met up with my in-the-park friend C who I hadn't seen in ages. He kept telling me how great I look which put me off. Not bothered if I see him again now. How awful is that?

I completely forgot that I had plans with T. He called me anyhow and we spent the afternoon wandering round Liverpool's new shops. We had drinks in John Lewis' Cafe which charged me £2.75 for a blueberry muffin. I wouldn't have minded but it was mostly for show (although I DID manage a bite or two!) Bastards.

We picked up a pizza from Costco for T and G to have for dinner. It was nice to hang out but by the end of the night I just want to be alone with G and he starts to make it obvious he wants to be alone with me. T left around 9 and we made out for the rest of the evening.

We did a car boot sale this morning to start unloading junk before the big move. Then the sky opened up. I offered to give G a hand job in the car whilst we were waiting but he declined. I'm so classy.

Anyway, I'm fucking knackered. I'm just sleepily stumbling through a quick catch up, as you do. WEEKENDS! You wait all week for them but Sunday night rolls round and you feel more exhausted than you did Friday!

I'm going to bed.
TuRRAh

TODAY! What a day I'm having! Only have a few minutes to whinge!

Got up, fed E, ironed G's shirt and trousers, drove G to work, came home, made some phonecalls to builders, played with E for a few minutes, fed pets, dusted upstairs rooms, vaccuumed everywhere, got high, had long winded call from mother-in-law, washed the floors, made the beds, did the laundry and dishes and put E down for a nap. NOW I have to scrub the washroom, have a shower, get dressed and put some slap on then I have to walk the dog, do the groceries the drive 40 minutes to the nearest Boots that has Batiste Dry Shampoo as it is my personal hair savior. Then I have to pick up G, drive home, make dinner for G, feed E, change E into his jammies and THEN I get to relax and fold about 8 loads of clean laundry that will most likely need ironing as it's been wadded into 4 baskets for about a week.

To top it all off, my dog is in heat (season, whatever-you-wanna-call-it, she's bleeding out her hole) so the girls that have been walking her can't because she would happily drag them into danger to get some dog boner action. She has to wear childrens underwear with a pantyliner in them. I've had to rip a hole in the arse of them for her tail as well so I always feel dodgy at the end of her season when I throw ripped, bloody childrens undies into the bin. Let's hope the binmen don't find them!

I find this amazing:

I've been married 7 years. In 7 years G and I have NEVER had regular, missionary sex! Some variations of, yeah but how could we have never tried the missionary position? The answer? I'm filth! It never even occurred to me!

I always maintain that G and I have never make love but we do fuck an awful lot! I don't know what made him try it last night but as soon as I felt him pressed against me in that OLD familiar way I almost cried! And not like I do when I imagine he's my older brother fucking me against my will. No. I felt all this EMOTION well up inside of me and it wasn't the usual angry/horny/slutty/kinky feelings I'm used to. It was like, all tender and whatnot. {shiver}

Well, fortunately (or unfortunately for our neighbourhood) I came so hard I screamed the house down (and woke up E who sang for a minute then passed out again, poor baby) and THEN noticed that G had left the window open that overlooks the street below. How embarrassing!

Anyway, yeah, missionary position. WHO THE FUCK KNEW?!

The couple across the street have asked to rent our house. They currently rent the bottom half of the house across the street.

J (him) & L (her) moved in sometime between when I ran away last summer and when got back but I didn't get the chance to introduce myself because I broke my leg in 3 places the day after I flew home.

She is stunning. Dark wavy hair, fair skin, big eyes, tall and lean. I hoped she'd be the sort of personality that might dominate mine. From a distance she appeared to be quite intimidating and although there have only ever been a couple of people who have ever been able to dominate me I find myself craving that sort of relationship.

So, pregnant with her second child (her first, M, a little girl, is the same age as E) I met L and we became friends.

L and J met in Uni and dated for a few months before she got pregnant so I suppose they have only been together for a couple of years. She's a very girly girl and says words like 'willy' where I'd say 'dick' or 'penis' when referring to E's tackle.

Unfortunately, L hasn't turned out to be the dominating personality I crave in my life. She's a pleasant, chatty girl I could have seen myself growing very fond of if I wasn't leaving though. I can imagine drunken nights dancing in Liverpool. Still though, she's made it clear she's been intimidated by me. WHERE WILL I FIND SOMEONE TO CONTROL AND MOULD ME!?

Anyway, tidbits of information, one of her breasts is bigger than the other. I didn't notice, she told me so. Well, I've noticed since but that's just cus she's breastfeeding so it's made it even more obvious! J has a very famous actors name. He's a postman and she's training to be a teacher. {shrug}

Now, the couple on the end of the street a few houses down who ALSO moved in the same time as L&J are fascinating indeed! They both work as mental health nurses (I am told) and in the past 4 years have had 4 children, the most recent being less than a month old. I've never met her (although she looks amazing for 4 kids in and one month on!) but I've met him. I was walking 2 of the 3 children (before 4 was born) and I was outside watching the litter of labradors we had destroy my front yard. On first impression I assumed he was gay. We chatted happily for ages as the kids played with the puppies (rather the puppies chewed the children). I was mortified when he told me that he only lived a few houses down and had for over a year!

I is very thin, dark hair, despite having 4 babies to look after, always looks great. How can he not be gay? I'd have made a hell of an effort to make a friendship there but unfortunately as supposed grownups, making friends isn't as easy as, "Wanna come play Nintendo at my house?"

I think I need to make friends with a single father with a child E's age when I go back to Toronto. It's got to be a guy cus women really just get on my wick when they whinge. Having a kid would give us life experiences in common. He has to be single so that his interfering g/f or wife can't disapprove of our friendship. Plus, I don't want him answering to anyone else but me Oh poo. If he wasn't a 'kept' husband than he'd have to be independently wealthy to be what I'm looking for. Or maybe he'll work from home and have a lot of time on his hands! Then we can spend our days wandering round the city with our kids, pretending its ours.

Brace yourself for leisure, relax and have a ball!

I ate a teaspoon of chicken noodle soup yesterday. I've been trying to get over relying on weed to help me eat. I think I ate some food on Saturday but since have had nothing more than a bit of soup and water. I'm never hungry anymore. The Doc told me that it's rare but because some of my stomach is now gone the nerve endings that tell you when you are full or hungry just don't work the same way anymore. Instead I feel hunger pains but I was warned that if I feel pain then I have gone far too long without food. She gave me an example of what I should be eating in a day:

Breakfast: cup of berries
Mid-morn: glass of milk
Lunch: handful of nuts and a cracker with cheese
Afternoon: yogurt
Dinner: very small piece of salmon and a bit of veg
Evening: kiwi

OH YEAH RIGHT! That's NEVER going to happen so I told her so. I said I'm lucky if I can eat a handful of nuts and a bit of chicken in a day! This seemed to displease her...

She wanted me to see a psychologist. She said that test have shown that my insides, although patch worked, should be working as expected by now and implied that it could be my previous relationship with food effecting me. It's possible, even likely, but as I'm moving to Canada in 8 weeks it seemed pointless to start seeing someone here. As far as I'm concerned, things are getting very slowly better anyway. Plus, I appreciate the irony that someone who used to weigh 23 stone 7 can't even force herself to eat. Tragically funny.

I felt faint this morning. I was tidying before D and her twin girls came round and I felt my vision blur. I know that if I don't get something down me I could faint and that's not good when you're home alone with a 2 year old. But the only way I have any chance of keeping any food down is to smoke da pot and that's not even guaranteed to help! I suppose it doesn't help that I was chatting to J until 2 am then to my Canadian J until 3:45 am and THEN E woke up at 4 am demanding to be let up. That was never going to happen so he punished us with his adorable ear piercing screams until 4:45 am. Fun times when you have to be up at 7.

Somehow though, me being me, I still managed to get a bit of action this morning before I then spent 10 minutes heaving my insides into the toilet. Classy.

So, if I could eat?...

I would. Simple as.

Monday. I woke up feel very Monday today indeed and didn't even get any sex. It's also grey and raining although just makes me appreciate sunny days even more.

I've got a Dr's appointment in Macclesfield this afternoon. Takes me over an hour to get there and my appointment is when E is due to have dinner so G is coming home from work early to feed E his dinner and put him to bed! What a wonderful daddy he is. Mostly though he knows I won't be home to make his dinner so he thinks he can sneak a kebab in. He hasn't thought about the fact that he'll be home alone with E and that he won't be able to leave once E's in bed. If he drags my sleepy baby to a chip shop to buy a kebab...

I've been a little apprehensive about going to this appointment as I'm still having trouble making myself eat. I've had some digestive issues for years now and I had an operation in May where they removed some of my intestines and stomach. They told me at my last check-up that if I couldn't eat more that I'd have to see a psychologist. V keeps implying that I am an anorexic but as far as I know anorexics do this on purpose to control their weight where as I'm just not hungry. Ever. And when I make myself eat even a few bites of something it feels like I'm digesting a goat, horns and all. It's very unpleasant.

Me, recouperating in the sun after the operation.

I ended up in hospital for a week just 4 days after I got out of hospital after the operation! It turned out to be a totally unrelated high grade infection and fever that could have killed me.
After I got out of hospital that time I couldn't eat or drink. I only had water for 5 days. I survived for 3 weeks on nothing more than milk, water and sips of apple juice! It's AMAZING how little you can live on! That's when I started fainting. This was also round about the time that E started refusing to eat going so far as to not eat all day until G would come home. I felt and looked like death so I started forcing a few bits down and I have to admit, things are getting slowly better.

With everything that's going on in our lives right now with moving to Toronto everyone just thinks I'm stressed and that's why I'm dropping weight. Normally I lose weight when I am unhappy so this all just feels wrong. I AM NOT STRESSED, I love moving and packing! I AM NOT UNHAPPY. I am young and in love and on top of the world! That's all that matters, right?

OMG who thinks up these things and why did I have time to answer one??

[One] Who was your last text from?
SQ asking me if I wanted to come for a drink. I don't drink. It went well.

[Two] Where was your default picture taken?
My kitchen. It's glitterfabulious!

[Three] What's your middle name?
Velveeta

[Four] Your current relationship status?
Married and passionately in love despite myself and the numerous affairs I have in my head.

[Five] Does your crush like you back?
I've never crushed anyone. I'd like to try it.

[Six] What is your current mood?
Happy, thoughtful. Devious.

[Seven] What's your moms name?
These Q's suck.

[Eight] What color shirt are you wearing?
BLACK

[Nine] Ever been in love?
I'm always in love.

[Ten] If you could go back in time and change something, would you?
Yeah sure, I'd fuck with the fabric of time. I'll get right on that...

[Eleven] Have a crazy side?

That's not even a sentance!

Yes, I'm fucking mental.

Boo!

See?

[Twelve] Ever had a near death experience?
I've almost died twice. No light. Just hospital lovin.

[Thirteen] Something you do a lot?
Sell crack to schoolchildren and the elderly at discounted rates.

[Fourteen] Angry at anyone?
Nope. I'm not the angry sort.

[Fifteen] Who can you tell anything to?
Strangers.

[Sixteen] Name someone with the same birthday as you?
The chick who plays the voice of Marge Simpson

[Seventeen] When was the last time you cried?
This afternoon althought if anyone asks, I yawned some tears.

[Eighteen] Who would you do anything for?
MYSELF

[Nineteen] If you could have one super power what would it be?
Super orgasm power.

[Twenty] What's the first thing you notice about the opposite/same sex?
smile (opposite), BOOBIES (same)

[Twenty-one] What do you usually order from starbucks?
I don't do Starbucks. Does anyone anymore? Starbucks are SOoooo 1998!

[Twenty-two] What's your biggest secret?
I stalked, sodomised and urinated on several of the puppets from a very famous children television show.

[Twenty-three] Favorite color?
ALL

[Twenty-four] Favorite TV show?
I'm addicted to Big Brother but no one in my real life knows! Shhh!

[Twenty-five] Do you still watch kiddy movies or tv shows?
Spongebob rules my world! He's my rolemodel.

[Twenty-six] What are you eating or drinking at the moment?
I don't eat or drink much of anything. Seriously.

[Twenty-seven] Do you speak any other language?
Pig latin? Gibberish?? French! I endevour to learn Japanese over the next 2 years. (I will)

[Twenty-eight] What's your favorite smell?
sex. freshly cut grass.

[Twenty-nine] Describe your life in one word, what would it be?
imagination

[Thirty] Have you ever kissed in the rain?
I'll make out anywhere...

[Thirty-one] Ever kissed on the beach?
ANYWHERE

[Thirty-two] What are you thinking about right now?
Tummy hurts. Could be that not eating thing...

[Thirty-three] What should you be doing?
Having a wank. Eating? Maybe eating wank..? I don't know.

[Thirty-four] Who was the last person that made you upset/angry?
Whoever it was I can promise you that they bloody well deserved it!

[Thirty-five] What are you listening to?
The wind in the trees in the garden.

[Thirty-six] Do you like working in the yard?
Fuck no. I enjoy hard work but I hate dirt.

[Thirty-seven] If you could have any last name in the world, what would it be?
Pussywillowflufferstine

[Thirty-eight] Do you act differently around the person you like?
I'm a more glittery me, yes.

[Thirty-nine] What is your natural hair color?
Blah. It's a technical term for BLAH!

[Forty] Who was the last person to make you cry?
G. He'll be made to pay.

G left the rug out in the garden yesterday when we went to V&N's and of course it pissed down so I spent ages with the carpet cleaner outside trying to suck the rain out of it. I've managed to get it as dry as I could and brought it back into the house to dry. It smelled faintly of wet puppy so I sprayed it and now it smells lovely and damp. G, as usual took no responsibility for leaving it out (even though he took it out) and left me to try and save it (it's HUGE and wool and expensive).

Afterwards, when I would speak to him again, he told me about how when he was a kid he had no friends and was bullied so he learned to protect himself by lashing out pre-emptively. His eyes welled up when he said this. He said he recognized (FINALLY) that his 'lashing out' and 'anger' have caused me a lot of harm and that he was sorry for that. He also promised that he'd wouldn't allow his insecurities to hurt me anymore.

He hugged me and tears rolled down my face but I didn't want him to know. I said yawning made my eyes water. I yawned for effect. I think I was so happy that he was finally taking responsibility for his actions but sad because I knew if he saw how much it effected me he'd feel responsible and therefore get his back up. It's kind of a catch 22.

We've had a lovely lazy Sunday. Haven't left the house. Spent every sunny patch in the garden playing with E and the dog or stroking the cat when she demanded love. G played on his mini laptop thingy. He told me today that he's apparently responsible for paying the Blackberry contract at work even though he only used it until the battery died and then lost interest. Apparently it was an OPTION that the firm pays for except if you leave. Works out to a couple of hundred AND we have to hand back the Blackberry he never used anyway. Donkey.

I looked up iphone contracts in Toronto and they are piss cheap starting @$30 (£15) a month for a 5G contract for 3 years. I'm sure the phone will be well and truly long gone by then but I WANT ONE NOW DAMMIT!

We spent a lot of today mentally sorting through our things and deciding what we might take and what we're selling at a car boot sale next weekend. G's parents fly home from Toronto (yes, odd coincidence as they flew there before we found out we were moving) on Wednesday so they will be able to watch E for us as I can see him running through a car boot sale like the Tasmanian Devil, odd junk and used mobile phones strewn about everywhere.

My car is due to be handed back to the leasing company on my birthday in September. I normally get a new car for my birthday but this year we have to convince them that it will not be possible to had the car back for 3 weeks as I need it until we leave for Canada. How much do you want to bet I get away with it? I'll also get away with being charged at most the excess and no more despite the fact that I have trashed this car. The windshield is broken (although I only just did that a few weeks ago by ripping the rear view mirror off and trying to throw it at G), the interior smells of dog, baby muck and sweat (as my gym gear and running shoes are in the boot) and the paintwork looks like I've occasionally shot a sandblaster at it, which I haven't. Just that one time. Honest.

People who know me marvel at the state of my car. I wouldn't say it's much worse than the average messy car. It's the fact that my house is a mess/crumb/dirt free zone. I think it makes them feel better as I'm the type of person who disinfects the doorknobs and light switches on a regular basis. My house is pristine. My car is a dumpster. I throw garbage in the back, the baby munches and throws snacks. Once I found a bag of Seeded Batch bread I had put in the boot for the ducks a good few months beforehand. It had turned to green dust. I picked it up carefully with two fingers and walked very slowly to the bin at the front of asda, tossed it in and ran. The bag began to spew green smoke and some mayhem issued but not before I was in my car, driving off.
So my friends call my car my 'Monica's Closet' as in the closet full of junk that Monika had on Friends. I used to take offence at being referred to Monika because of my cleanliness but now I don't give a monkeys bum hole. My house is clean. I like it that way. My car is a shithole. Who cares? That's why I replace it once a year. HA!

Bought a plaster casting kit from asda ages ago to cast G's cock but he wasn't up for it whilst V&N were living with us, for some strange reason. I have to line up some wicked porn and striptease action to keep him busy without being able to touch it for 5-10 minutes! Then I'll paint it gold and mount it {snicker} on a wooden {giggle} base.
I aksed him if he'd humour me and show me how to give a blowjob with it and he said never ever. Wimp.
Ok, going to have fun with plaster. TURRAH!

Saturday! Sunshine! What a wonderful world!

I went to see L&J's new baby and break the news that we are moving to Toronto after all. I'm going to try and convince them to move into ours.

G put E down for his nap shortly after I got in this morning so we've enjoyed a quiet few hours of cuddling, making out, enjoying the sun and doing mildly inappropriate things on the rug in the garden. Our neighbours must love us.

My labrador, Honey is currently out with her soon-to-be new family. It's a series of odd coincidences really. G and I came home a month or so back and ran straight upstairs (if you know what I mean) and when we emerged from the bedroom an hour and a half later I realised that the front door was wide open and Honey was nowhere to be found. I ran all over the neighbourhood and the park and then started driving up and down every street I could find. I was worried sick as I had no idea how long she'd been gone for. My mobile rang and it was Petlog telling me that someone had found my dog and that the dog warden had scanned her microchip (as the litter of puppies we had a month or so ago chewed her tags off of her collar). He was going to bring her back to me but I was literally turning onto their street when my phone rang so I was parked about 10 houses away from them.
I drove to the house and realised that I recognised the woman who had my dog but couldn't for the life of me remember where I knew her from.
She greeted me with a shocked, "Oh wow it's you!".
"And you!" I replied.

It wasn't until after I'd got home and started smelling the digesting pancakes and fairy cakes my dog was expelling from her rear that it suddenly occurred to me that the women who had found her was the student nurse who had sat in on E's 2 year assessment just 2 days before.

I went back to their house the next day to drop off a thank you card and some balloons for the girls who had so generously shared their fairy cakes. M (as I now know is her name) told me that the girls love Honey and that they are desperate for a labrador of their own. I immediately told her of our impending move. Longer story shortened, found a new home for my DAWG!

The girls now walk Honey about 4 times a week and (they coincidentally have just dropped her off!) will be taking her for good in September. I feel good about this family although I'm almost certain she'll be fed garbage and be spoiled rotten!

I've made soup. It's odd how the less I eat, the more I enjoy cooking! I've got a pot of homemade chicken soup on the stove and the smell is making me feel happy. I'll be lucky if I eat a bowl but I've enjoyed making it!

There's some talk of heading to V&N's for the rest of the afternoon. G still hasn't seen their new place not that there is much to see. BORING. E's up now so I better get outside to play.

No cosmic bowling! SQ was knackered and truth be told, so am I! I'm pretty anaemic at the moment and keep forgetting to take my pills so I look a bit like I'm dying. And yet the thinner I get the better people tell me I look. People are strange.

Watched Drillbit Taylor instead of cosmic bowling. Never heard of it? Neither had I. Little known gem of a movie? No! Pile of crap mildly highlighted by the amazing Owen Wilson. I won't waste anymore time on that!

So it was midnight when I got in. G was asleep but I stripped off as I walked up the stairs and lay on top of him anyway. He woke up but wanted more foreplay that a quick fondle and lick which didn't seem worth it so I decided to let him go back to sleep.

How bad is it that I couldn't be bothered?! I just wanted quick cock; is that so much to ask?! I suppose I'm wondering what happened to my sexdrive as well. I have never been capable of turning down sex. I'm notoriously insatiable and even when my brain says no, my body always says yes. But I couldn't be bothered...

Does this make me more of a bad person? My friggin' karmas all outta whack! Between this and the recent attacks on a certain spider who won't take a hint I'm in for some harsh comeback! Or my next reincarnation is. Poor whore.

Tummy hurts. Going to watch BB. Shhh! I don't know who got kicked out yet!

Maybe when I got back to bed I'll put the effort in. It's always worth it in the end! NO PUN INTENDED!

Friday! E slept in until 9 which meant we had ages to lay around naked cuddling. The sun was shining this morning so we played in the garden for awhile. E just had some lunch and is now happily sat in front of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse which is no doubt rotting his brain. I have no make-up on, haven't had a shower and feel fantastic! I like grubby days but I hardly ever get to have 'em!

G took the day off and is currently with J running about. He only had 5 days holiday left until we move to Toronto and I need him to save at least 1 or 2 for a long weekend in Cyprus or possibly Tenerife. I love Tenerife. Thing is, he doesn't KNOW I'm trying to surprise him with this trip which means I need to be extra sneaky. Luckily, I have experience...

So the same day I google earth Liverpool and complain to G that the pics are so out of date that the city is unrecognizable I hear on the radio that Liverpool City Council are taking legal action against google because they say the images do not reflect the Capital of Culture that Liverpool is. HA! I can predict stuff! Sorta...

Cosmic bowling tonight with SQ. Never tried it before and thought, wtf, might as well.  If it sucks I'll be cosmically pissed off.

I just heard a cry and E had somehow managed to split his lip open. Baby blood everywhere. I couldn't tell if it was coming from his mouth, nose or head! He stopped crying within a minute though and began to baby sing babble as blood poured from his lip. I convinced him to let me clean him up by promising him some 'baby drugs' (Calpol). My little druggie. He's off for a nap now and G will come home to a kid that looks like he just won the UFC.