I don't know what the catalyst was to my leaving G last summer. Perhaps the mountain of compromise, regret and resentment had finally just toppled over. Maybe it was premature 7 year itch. I doesn't really matter...

I remember G asking me, "Why now? I love you. You know I love you; shouldn't that be enough?"

"There are just too many things G. It's not just that you have never changed a shitty diaper. It's not just because you never go down on me. And it sure as hell isn't just because you threw that mug at my head. It's all of that and so much more..." All of this is spoken very quietly. I've long since learned that the only way G might listen to me when he's feel defensive is if I stay very, very quiet. Otherwise he reacts as though I am screaming abuse at him. There is no in between.

These things are true. G has, in the past broke my heart with his stubbornness, anger and rage but in the past those times remain. Forever adapting and changing we are to stay in love as long as we can...

But because of how I felt last year, G was sure I was no longer in love with him. When I asked myself if I saw a future with him the answer was always HELL NO! As far as I was concerned it was all to clear, he was never going to change. If we didn't have a 9 month old baby together, all the more so complicated by the fact that we'd have to share custody across the pond, I'd have written a Dear John and walked.

I debated how to leave. I started a blog called 'How To Fall Out Of Love' that did really well. I struggled with feeling so much love for G and still not wanting to stay with him. I know now that being in love doesn't mean being right for each other.

Odd though it is, we continued out daily sex life, seemingly unperturbed by the reality of our situation. Admittedly, it was at my discretion and I'm an insatiable whore, but in hindsight it probably kept us close.

Our evenings were spent mostly apart. Me on my laptop exactly where I sit now and G in his computer room, oddly, where he is now. I assure you, this happens a lot less frequently as of late!

That's when I messaged A and got all nostalgic and we all know that ex-boyfriends + unfifilment + nostalgia = flirting with disaster.

We started chatting every night. Sometimes when I couldn't get away I'd wait until G was asleep, slip out of bed, text A, he'd come online. We'd chat until dawn when I'd slip back into bed just in time to wake G up by slowly licking him hard or fondling him until I could just get on top. Some of the conversations A and I had bordered on naughty and always left me writhing in my seat regardless of innocence. But I'm a bit slutty;)

Everyone needs someone to fancy them. I can't begin to get into the 10 year complicated relationship that is what A and I have but I can sum it up. A fancies me and that makes me feel good. At least it did when I needed it to. Now it feels like a burden keeping up flirtations I neither need nor desire.

But I think A does both need and desire my companionship right now. I suspect he's going through his own phase of questioning his life, marriage etc. that all us married folk do. Can I be the person he was for me in the same situation? Probably not. I'm far too selfish and much too much in love to pretend otherwise just to boost his ego.

Also I am very annoyed I've been sitting here waiting for him for so long that my bum is asleep. Me finks it's time to go watch BB.