You have invited 'A' to start viewing webcam. Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the pending invitation.

becky s says:
omg perve indeed
becky s says:
Im not wearing any makeup
becky s says:
and am in sweats
becky s says:
so good luck

A: does it always have to be this difficult?
me: what specifically?

{LONG PAUSE}

me: come on, was fallin asleep and got up especially...

A: Can't remember now?

me: liar?

A: I think I was just talking about our conversations and how you make them difficult

me: I make things difficult?
me: hardly
me: that's u

A: We both do

me: no, its all you

A: Thanks - that made me smile

me: yeah, that's all me

A: I get it

me: what's been difficult tonight then?
me: me asking you direct q's?

me: guess what I'm doing {no dirty guesses}

A: your blog?

A: Making a space for your new bag?

me: no
me: and no
me: cremating a fillet steak

A: I wouldn't have guessed

me: no kidding eh?

A: Apparently not
A: Sorry, anyway

me: what's been difficult tonight then?

me: me asking you direct q's?
me: again and again

{LONG PAUSE}

me: fine brb need narcotics for this conversation

A: narcotics?
A: oh I see

{LONG PAUSE, MINUTES EVEN}

A: Why ARE you up so late anyway?

me: u

A: fair enough
A: I feel special now
A: I'm sorry

me: for?

A: Being a pain in the arse

me: when?
me: which time?

A: All the time apparently
A: Don't push your luck

me: but that's what I do best
me: sorry, so why are you apologising?

A: For making things difficult

me: how do you think you are making things difficult for me right now?

A: you told me

me: or do you mean that you make things difficult when I ask you direct questions and you skirt about

A: that

me: why are you doing that again?

A: I don't know
A: You know, I was desperate to come online and talk to you about loads of stuff, but I can't think of any of it now

me: there you go again; you know
me: did you really think about me then!? ha

A: I did
A: Even if you didn't think about me

me: oh I did, I though, lucky bastards getting some time alone together...
me: and briefly wondered if you brought your wii
me: tried to imagine what you'd do on holiday alone
me: cus I know what we'd be doing but I doubts its the same

A: Me alone
A: Us?

me: no you and your wife

me: no kids

A: The last time we did that was our honeymoon

me: 5 years ago

A: yep

me: G's mom has offered to take E for our weekend away
me: I'm thinking spain
me: G needs some sun and beach

A: Looking a bit albino?

me: na, all his feckles join and make him look quite dark

A: crazy

me: so you were on holiday, you have no excuse to be thinking about me do you?

A: I suppose not
A: I take it all back
A: I didn't think about you at all
A: except for the times I did
A: and there I go again

me: there you go again what?

A: Being difficult

me: so what's up!?

A: I told you - I'm just feeling blue.

me: if you don't want to talk to me that's fine

A: I do - what a quandry

me: so do

A: So why are you eating steak now?

me: not eating-cooking

me: and done

A: why?

me: [shrug}
me: I thought maybe i could stomach a few bites
me: I'm not going to but its nice thinly sliced so I can have a bite here and there tomorrow?

A: makes sense

me: I mostly eat strawberries

A: yum
A: English I hope

me: course
me: and portabello mushrooms
me: and peppers

A: woo

me: and feta cheese
me: in fact
me: that and kiwi is all I eat

A: I seem to like apples lately

me: I love macintosh apples and hardly ever see them
me: my kingdom for a mac

A: I wouldn't eat one of those though

me: y not??

A: Couldn't eat a whole computer

{LONG PAUSE}

me: your tragic
me: you're
me: tragic

A: so tragic you said it twice

me: and was going for a third but thought twice (or is it thrice?)

me: what made you think about me

A: Just musing about meeting you
A: thought about how interesting that could be
A: That and the fact you're buggering off anyway - so there isn't much time to get it sorted
A: And I wondered why we wanted to
A: And then moved onto other things
A: and then thought about it later on again
A: and so forth

me: why we wanted to meet?

A: yup

me: odd, what was your conclusion?

A: I didn't come to one
A: It was kind of an open-ended thought process

me: its complicated figuring out what you're saying
me: especially drugged and sleep deprived
me: oh, and I wanted to meet you because the only thing ever stopping me was insecurities Ive long since grown out of
me: and I'm leaving
me: seems a shame

A: Yeah

me: why WOULDN'T you want to meet me?

A: lol

me: don't you trust yourself around me?

A: You couldn't be an axe murderer

me: exactly

A: That's it!
A: I'm worried I couldn't keep my hands off you
A: You'd have to mace me or something
A: Damnit! It's so clear now!

me: ha what percentage of that statement is true?

A: I think it's open for a public survey

me: we both know if i wanted you you'd be powerless to stop me
me: I always get what I want

A: ah - but what if it were the other way around, hmm?
A: You don't consider that

me: I have;I feel safe

A: I suppose I couldn't use the accent to an advantage anymore

me: nope
me: if you were the A I've had dirty dreams about, then id be worried but I'm a clever girl and you and he are not one in the same

A: lol
A: very good

me: well its true
me: I'm desperately seeking a dominant personality in my life
me: no one ever controls me properly anymore

A: Well, I suppose that I'll have to bear that in mind

me: do you think if you really wanted me you'd have the balls to get me?

A: Yep
A: I think that I could do it

me: do you want me?

A: sure. Why not?

me: well good luck

A: lmao

me: 'sure, why not?' does not cut it with a girl like me

A: I bet it does

me: doesn't

me: not at all

A: does

me: lol

me: you doughnut
me: repeating does doesn't make it so

A: does

me: now, if you were the type of man who'd automatically have said:
me: yes
me: yes i want you
me: now!
me: then things might be different for us

A: lol
A: humerous to think about

me: never seems humerous
me: to me
me: oddly

A: you quite happily make light of it though

me: have I?
me: I haven't made light of anything
me: I asked you a question
me: you mocked

A: Sorry - didn't mean to mock if you feel it being serious
me: its not a big deal

me: you're being weird-you know that right?

A: yeah

me: I'M FREEZING TO DEATH

A: Put a blanket on then

me: pulled my hoodie up

A: nifty

me: wrapped round laptop for heat
me: watching rex and nicole fight
me: funny

A: Who are Rex and Nicole?

me: neymind, BB

A: ok

me: u falling asleep?

A: no
A: just thinking

me: do tell

A: I shouldn't have mocked

me: I was only asking cus you're acting weird

A: Fair enough - that's understandable
A: no - no it isn't
A: that makes no sense

me: which is it?

A: the latter

me: YOU
me: R
me: BEING
me: weird with me

A: yes I am

me: my girl sense says either you're mad at me or you fancy me
me: or you're mental

me: or a combination

A: I always fancy you
A: I AM mental
A: I'm definitely not mad at you

me: no you don't always fancy me
me: but you are mostly mental

A: cheers

me: so why are you being weird then?
me: its like you've regressed...
me: this is how you used to be all "I have shit to tell you..."

A: I just need someone right now who is out of my day-to-day
A: Turns out that's not you.

me: sorry what?
A

: You're pretty much a feature of my daily life now
A: And a part I look forward to
A: I tried to call Phill today but he's in Portugal

me: what would you get from someone who isn't part of your day to day life

A: Objectivity
A: My own clarity maybe

me: about?

A: I tell you what
A: Let me start again, ok?

me: yes please!

A: I've really cocked up
A: OK - here goes
A: I was thinking about you occasionally on my holiday
A: I was missing you
A: I missed our chats
A: At the end - I felt down. Maybe because of the holiday coming to an end.
A: So I got thinking about us meeting up, and thought that if it's going to be one day - that I hope that it's a pretty perfect day
A: Getting home I suddenly felt quite lonely even though {his wife} and A were here
A: I suppose I want a holiday from my own life for a couple if days

me: god don't we all

A: I'm getting slightly down knowing that I've got over 300 emails waiting for me from Monday

me: ok.. come here......
me: {cuddle}
me: but don't tell anyone

A: lol
A: thank you
A: is that better?

me: it would have saved a lot of time if you'd just said that in the first place

me: listen I never said thank you for last year
me: I wasn't happy and I escaped from my life
me: well you know
me: things are different now

me: I get on at you to just say things and then I don't...

me: I used you
me: last summer
me: to make myself feel better
me: not in a bad way
me: in a necessary way

A: ok

me: I think
me: if things were reversed
me: I'm no longer in a position to be able to reciprocate?
me: not like you did

A: I think that I get what you're saying

me: its nowt to do with you
me: I justify the way i felt last summer because I feel guilty
me: but at the end of the day
me: {shrug}

A: I've got to admit - you've lost me a bit there

me: where?

A: The bit where you were going on about last year, you want to reciprocate, and it was nothing to do with me

me: lol
me: so everything?

A: pretty much
A: But thanks for the sentiment

me: well what sentiment then?

A: You being kind to me and saying "thanks"
A: for being me
A: maybe

me: lol
me: i think you like to make things difficult
me: I was unhappy
me: yeah?

A: yep

me: I used the thought of you to pretend I wasn't here
me: still with me?

A: I think so

me: and it helped me
me: I justify fancing you last summer because
me: G was a knob
me: a gigantic dillhole
me: and I needed to be happy
me: but
me: really
me: well it was unfair
me: of me

{PAUSE}

A: I'm still here in case you're wondering

me: and r u still following?

A: yes

me: well I guess what I'm trying to say
me: you know this mental affair we had? well, it's over

{LONG PAUSE}

A: I can get on board with that

me: please do
me: i think meeting will help rather then hinder
me: but either way

A: yes?

me: either way I feel bound to G
me: consumed

A: good

me: I KNOW!

A: WOO!

me: that's what I've been saying
me: bound isn't right...
me: I choose to be bound to him
me: I let the lines between good and naughty be blurred before
me: but now I love him more than i ever have anyone (even the lanky one)
me: so things need to change

A: What things?

me: us

A: right

me: nothing dramatic

A: I tell you what. You tell me the changes you want.

me: don't play stupid
me: I'm tired

A: So am I.
A: Although I didn't go to bed at 6 in fairness

me: no
me: I suppose i want to say something but can't think of a good way to say it
me: or even decide if it's appropriate
me: but I'm tired and want to go to sleep so here goes:

me: I was unhappy. My relationship sucked.

What's your excuse?

A: That's pretty good

me: I'm sorry

A: What for?

me: being blunt
me: rude
me: possibly inserting my foot

A: Subtlety never worked on me

me: seriously
me: cus the way I feel now
me: an did before I had any problems with him
me: is that I would and could never feel anything for anyone else like i do for him
me: like I only have so much love
me: and he's absorbing it all
me: so if I feel that way....

me: well are you happy?

{LONG PAUSE}

A: Most of the time
A: Today I'm neither happy or unhappy

me: could you be happier?
me: in general with your relationship

A: To what end?

me: to all consuming love

{ANOTHER LONG PAUSE}#

A: I can't imagine my life being any different

me: that's not the same thing pickle

A: There are times when we stay up late talking nonsense and I think, "This is perfect."
A: Those points I couldn't imagine being happier. I'm aware of going to sleep feeling great.
A: And then sometimes (rarely) I feel like this
A: The world around me is scenery in some 2D drawing
A: I can see everything not fitting together quite right
A: People talk to me and I can hear what they say but I can't process it properly

A: I understand but it doesn't move me

me: everyone feels like that

me: jesus that happens to me DAILY

A: Well, that's how I've been feeling

me: things can be better
me: I think
me: but that's for you to decide
me: i think she has been very good for you
me: but I assume she had a lot more credit in your happiness than you do
me: but now I'm not so sure

me: were things different last summer between the two of you, is that why you let yourself be dragged into my thing?

A: Well, that is blunt

me: well I'm tired and it needs to be said

A: You're saying you don't think I love C?

me: I'm saying is what you have enough?

me: I'll leave that with you

A: Cheers

A: Well, you have a good night

me: morning and don't be like that

A: I'm not - you said "I'll leave it with you"

me: good, ok then

A: ok

me: fine

me: HEY

A: hey

me: I want for you what I have
me: that's all
me: goodnight

A: night

me: sweetdreams

A has signed out. (8/17/2008 2:09 AM)