My last corrospondance with B (MY FIRST LOVE) went as follows:

ME:

Stop trying to sound all cool and rebellious.

I meant that I wanted to be with you ALL the time. Donkey. Anyway, I've learned that people want all sorts of different things in relationships. I, for instance, like being controlled and dominated. Not that that ever happens. Maybe he (his best friend) needs someone to save him from having to play golf. Funny you mentioned them though. Shows you care. Awww. Maybe someday you and C can be together ;)

HIM:

Bless, I think you probably have learned a lot, but I always get the feeling that you are talking to me from the perspective of someone who thinks they knows better!

ME:

I think the same about you! What would I have said to make you think I think I know anything?

HIM:

All the advice about moving abroad n stuff!

ME:

That doesn't count! OK, I have a big gob, I admit it. Mostly I wanted to piss you off so you'd be more determined to go. Did it work? :P Sometimes you come across like you think you know everything too you know.

HIM:

I’ll always want to travel, doesn’t matter what anyone says! I’ve seen bits of Canada and the US and other places I’ve holidayed too, and all it’s done it make me want more.

ME:

Simmer down. You said that 9 years ago and you're still living in Kent.

Next time you have a go at me, call me names. I like it more. :D

In all honesty I admire your passion. I always did. It's intimidating.

I'm going to play in the park now. Turrah B

HE REPLIED:

And since then I’ve been to some other places, nobhead! I’ve been to other countries around Europe on holiday. You must learn to read properly!

SO I SAID:

THAT'S why I liked you! The abuse! I miss it so! ;)
Why do you choose to ignore the nice things I say in favour of pretending I'm attacking you? I'll add it again because YOU MUST LEARN TO READ PROPERLY!

"In all honesty I admire your passion. I always did. It's intimidating.." That's fucking high praise from me!

What I was commenting on was that you meant to live and work in some random number of countries and, holiday or not, you've not done that. You assume that I think that's a bad thing which I don't at all.

You're a little hostile. I like it. Now simmer down.

That was via emails one month ago. When I came across it today it pissed me off again so against my better judgement I wrote:

clearing out my inbox I re-read our last little chat and it pissed me off a little. until I thought a second about how it doesn't matter to me anymore.
firstly, I don't think you've thought about why I might have come across as 'someone who knows better'. you broke my heart into a million pieces that I thought would never heal. you sat on a pedestal in my heart for years and the more time that passed, the more my memories of you reflected only the perfection rather then reality. I've felt like I needed to protect myself from you (which makes sense as you dumped me without ever giving me a chance to know why or to even change why) and so I definitely have had my guard up. {shrug} but if you knew the way I felt about the way you used to be, you'd know I could never think myself better than you because I worshipped every.single.thing about you. well, every.single.thing about the replica of you that fell off the pedestal in my heart and crashed to the floor, 8 years of dust settling in the air around the rubble.

AND HE WROTE:

I’m not quite sure that explains anything, but hey...

My mum is making me take home all my stuff from her house (even though they live in a 4 bedroom place with just the two of them there) and I came across all the stuff to do with you. There is a lot of stuff there, I can’t believe all the stuff you wrote, there is tons of it.

TO WHICH I REPLIED:

Im trying to say why would I think Im better than you when I've always though you were perfect? It should explain a lot.

Yeah. I wrote tons of stuff. For you.
You know the book that has the ugly like flowers or fruit on it? Well, before that stuff ends up on the tip could you please go to Day 37 and maybe explain to me why I ripped this page out and kept it?

.1 002

SO HE SAID:

If you have the page, how would I know why? I actually plan on keeping pretty much everything, I am rather sentimental.

SO I SAYS:

YOU wouldn't know why but the next page in the diary might.
I don't know how I feel about you keeping that stuff. Promises I made have been broken but they are still written; little lies trapped on paper.

Do you remember the time we were arguing about something stupid like I was upset because you didn't want to have sex in my aunt livingroom, (I was so reasonable, wasn't I!?) and we passed the diary back and forth writing it out?

What is there besides a couple of books? Did you read any of it?

AND HE SAID:

I sort of remember it, but not really, Sudbury maybe? I haven’t read any of it yet.

AND I WAS LIKE:

Sudbury, yeah. Hmm.. maybe you'll read it and remember how much you were loved. Maybe it'll make a good firestarter. Seems a shame. Where does one store a box of his X's love letters, dirty confessions and bad poetry?

What else was there??

AND HE SAID:

I don’t really know, some money, lots of tickets, a sweater your mum gave me for shrinking mine, lots of letters, the diary, the Stephen king book I bought in Maryland to keep myself company whilst I was scared stiff of a nutter in Kenny Rogers Roasters. I’ll check it out some day.

AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE IT AT THAT! B has a way of messing with my head.

WHY DO WE SPEAK?