HE SAID SHE SAID Part 2
OK, so apparently I didn't actually SEND the email to A I blogged earlier so he sent me ANOTHER email. I've edited it for boredom sake but REALLY would like someone to exaplin to me what they think is wrong with this bloke!

HE SAID:

SUBJECT: 336 HOURS (!)

Well, I haven't heard from you, which is fine. I hoped for some sort of answer or response, but I'm the last person who should be guessing how you feel about things right now. It's only been a few hours, too rather than about 300+ hours which I'm guilty of.

I've decided to at least let you know what's going on over at this end this last couple of weeks. First of all is that I now have a new blog. It's super-secret. I know this because nobody reads it. When I post my visits sky rocket to almost 5 in that day, and then the excitement diesaway. I suppose as it's self-indulgent and completely for my desire to score the music of my life – it doesn't really strike a chord with other people.

I was thinking about your memory the other day. You used to tell me that you couldn't remember things over a year or two old. It seems weird because you're pretty good at it now. You never really explained why you thought the change had come about.

(INSERT novella catching me up on his week!)

I'm just about to roll into a very hectic week. I should have seen it coming but as each day goes by more and more things are stacking up against me. I'm struggling to keep up with it all. I just need a couple of clear days of no distractions. They never happen though.

Well, my head's pounding. I need a shower, and I have an early start.

Be well,A

So I sent the email in How I Responded (blogged earlier today).

He replied with this:

Hey you,

Well, you never said it (I assume he means that he was in a loveless marriage?) - but that's what you were getting at. You can't avoid that. But I'm not making an issue out of it. It's how it went down and that's that.

Like I said, I had to decide what to do next but I care too much to do that cutting off thing. I gave myself an ultimatum and hopefully made the right choice

You know what? The reason that you're in the corner of my mind is simple:I loved you a great deal. I'm not a believer that those feelings die away into nothing. If it did we wouldn't be here after 10 years. I admit that sometimes the nostalgia part of me amplifies that - but beyond that there's what I hope is still a friendship. I still love you, just not the same way as I did. I still love L and K but I wouldn't run off with any of them.

And yes, I act like an arse sometimes. Don't think that I didn't realise it at the time. You know when the best chats we had were? On the phone. There was no time wasting. No misunderstandings. We said what needed to be said and got on and had a laugh. I think that's what causes the most issues. That and the two of us filling in the unread sentences in our heads.

Likewise I do remember trying to tell you I was feeling down, or 'detached'. Obviously that didn't come across too well. In The Unbearable Lightness of Being, it touches on couples' misunderstandings on such a basic level that it tears the relationships apart. I suppose we should be thankful that our misunderstandings are not so subtle.

But enough of all this. Believe it or not - I like it when you're honest with me. And I am happy for you. I was so worried for you when you went to Canada last year, you wouldn't believe it. I was trying to help you stay on course in your relationship. Obviously the thing that helped is the thing that I didn't even try to do. I wanted to be there if you were upset, be able to offer advice when you needed it, and just take some ofthe trouble away by sharing.

When it comes to me feeling blue, I start talking in riddles and close uplike a clam. It's just easier for me which, I know, is somewhat of a paradox. And I know it's a pain in the arse for you. I'm sure we can get back on track soon. If you're willing of course. Just let me have a day at a time.

You asked me to forgive - and after briefly being angry I can't help but. I hope that's not an issue for you, too.

Be well,A

BTW - If you want to send me the occasional message, that's fine. They brighten my day. Just don't repeat 'bowling' 1 million times. (inside joke. was never very funny.)

So now I feel angry with myself for letting him make me feel so insecure all this week just because he was ignoring me. When I broke up with him years ago he changed his numbers and email, everything to cut me out. If he had told me he hadn't been able to speak to me because his wife forbid it or because he'd decided I was a distraction and that he needed to focus on his relationship then I would have respected him for it.

Instead I feel like he THINKS he's in love with me, won't admit it because he's too shit scared of what that might mean even if I did reciprocate (which I DO NOT!) and is too much of a pussy to move on without me.

He just send a goodnight IM. I'm ignoring it.

I showed G all these email, leaving out little snippets that might upset him and he's been so understanding. That's why I am in love with him!

I don't ever want to be in a position where someone ignoring me can make me feel worthless again.

What should I do??

I'm out of his league anyway. Right!?

MEN!