AGAIN it's after midnight and my weary eyes bat heavily.
So today I cleaned, went to the beach for my walk, went shopping, made food for 9, played with E, had amazing sex with G and had a successful BBQ. YAY me.
L just left. She came over to check her email so we got to chatting about W and why I'm attracted to her. In my head I know L's listening and wondering how I could know she has the same attitude I do with regards to sex and still fancy W (who isn't interested) more than her which I actually don't but my stupid brain twists things all up rather than just work honestly. Like when I was a kid and I liked a boy then I would do everything in my power to make sure that that boy would NEVER find out even though I would happily pretend to like boys I had no interest in! How warped is that?
Anyway, I've mentioned W to L (in fact they have met) so L sometimes asks me questions about her and I feel like I'm trying to throw L off the scent by making out that I like W a bit more then I do. WHY WOULD I DO THAT!?
Tonight I watched her and realised that she is insecure and vulnerable and rather than tell her I feel like she is 'way-out-of-my-league-beautiful', I just nodded and smiled when she said things that make me wonder if she's been telling me she's been well up for it. This is all so complicated.
How much of how I act has to do with the fact that I'm 'all talk, no action'. I know that when I flirt with W there may be a little flirting back so it's safe. If I thought she was going to be all over me when we met up I wouldn't like it at all! Half of the enjoyment is the persuit in this case. With L I wonder how quickly flirting would need to go on to something else. She has lived with a woman after all! I'm just this sweet little innocent Canadian... 
I am attracted to L but feel completely out of my depth, intimidated by the fact that she is beautiful and experienced and knows so much about things that I know so little about.
So, I suppose if I am being brutally honest (and as it's almost 1 am, it's a good time to be honest) I've got a girl I (at times) agressively flirt with who doesn't find me at all attractive and a girl who I think IS attracted to me but I'm too shy to flirt with.
Do other poeple make things this complicated for themselves? Lets not even get started on the fact that I'm meant to be in Canada already!
Going to bed.
