Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

I threw my back out this morning just after G went to work. I don't know how the fuck I managed to do it but I'm in a world of pain if I try and stand.

Typically whenever I've been in a vulnerable position G reacts agressively. When I broke my leg he freaked out and went on anti-depressant medication (which he still takes). He would get so angry with me whenever I needed his help that a few times I went all day without food because I couldn't move and he was an asshole.

But there has been much worse.

I hate him when he is like this. I don't understand how you can resent someone you are supposed to be in love with when they clearly need you.

If there ARE soulmates, G is not mine. I'm sure of this.

Today he's been pissed off because:

he had to drive me to the dr's
he had to change E's diaper (nappy)
I asked him to pick up a ready meal for e's lunch (as we're still in the hotel and I usually take him out for lunch..
etc.

There are really too many little things he's been a complete wanker about.

Basically, my 'supposed' partner for life is a shithead when I really need him but lovely otherwise. I don't think it's right or fair and if I could fall out of love with the huge stupid lummox I would.

I really would.

I deserve better.

He'll be all apologies once I'm better but will never understand what its like to need someones help and have them resent you for it.

I don't know if it's luck (or UN-luck) or fucking karma or what but fucked up 'things' seem to happen to me a lot more than they do to other people!

We were meant to fly to London this morning and on to Toronto this afternoon. I'm still sitting in the 'aubergine' hotel though. Tuesday was meant to be G's last day at work. As I drive a company car, it got handed back Tuesday AM (still with the damage from hitting the Porche as it was due to be fixed Wednesday!). Not an hour later someone called G from immigration saying that if we flew on Thursday, G and E would be turned around at the Canadian border and sent back!

Long story short, an immigration lawyer working for G's firm on the Canadian side is going to get the sack and we're stuck here AGAIN until a new set of forms comes back!

I just want to go home now! 5 times I have made solid plans to party and see people only to have to say, 'sorry, we got held up. be home soon...'. My dad even took a week off of work because he thought we'd be home tomorrow.

Anyway, I negotiated with G's company and got more money for our stay here and a rental car. Then I negoated with the hotel for free room service as we'll have been here a month at least.

I got the rental car yesterday. I had the cost pre-approved by G's company but didn't get approval for £12 insurance without excess so decided to leave it until I could get the approval today.

I then drove to Sainsbury's. I got a parking ticket because my ticket blew upside down. The traffic cop guy said that I had reason to appeal it. Still, why me?

This morning a guy named Nicholas rear ended me. And not in the fun way. Didn't even have the car 24 hours. Mother fucker. He was hot though so I wasn't so unhappy when G made me call him tonight to get his insurance details etc. He asked me to call him again tomorrow so get a few details he didn't have with him at the time. G was writing down the details I was getting from Nicholas and commented after I hung up that I 'handled that call very well'. Really I just blatently flirted

I am living inside of a building that is 100% grey on the outside and 98% eggplant(aubergine)purple on the INSIDE. The walls, skirting boards, doors.... its endless dark purple everywhere.

At first it was interesting, then dark, now I think it's starting to send me a little funny.

Of course, I did just walk for 3 hours then smoke a bit of a joint on the way back to the purple palace.

My days are so... ODD! We wake up, have a family cuddle on the bed then get ready for breakfast in the brazzerie.

G had tea and toast with fresh 'preserves' (arsehole way of saying 'jam') followed by a croissant with butter and more poncy jam.

E starts with a pain au chocolat then has eggs benedict with ketchup (classy baby) which is a bit gross if you ask me but as it comes with bacon it works out quite well for me as I always have:

grapefruit, pineapple and bacon

After breakfast surrounded by people acting very civilised, G walks 2 minutes to work and I head back to the hotel room to make myself look like I like in this hotel before E and I wander round the city for hours on end. We have lunch in cafe's, play hide and chase in John Lewis and feed the birds bits of Ritz crackers.

We head home around 12 or 1 and E has a 2 hour nap while I catch up on emails and make travel arrangements or whatever. Then we usually head out again to meet with friends or shop.

Dinner is often a microwave meal but as I eat very little anyway I'm hardly bothered. The 3 of us have shared many an asda curry since moving into limbo.

We have a flight into Heathrow Thursday morning, are having lunch in London then have an afternoon flight into Toronto where some random driver will pick us up and drop us off at the new hotel that will be our home until we find our own.

I love my life!

A few days ago I was in Superdrug and I tossed a bunch of things into E's stroller (pram). When I finished paying I noticed my fake eyelashes were still in the bottom of the stroller. I decided to walk out anyway and got such a rush from it!

So yesterday I went to Boots and decided to do the same thing. I got different kind this time. :O

Today I took a necklace.

It DID say GOTTA HAVE IT on the label. I almost chickened out at the cash this time but then though FUCK IT!

OMG where did this come from!? Who steals from GEORGE for christssakes? I have NEVER KNOWINGLY shoplifted anything before.

Anyway!

Everyday I make myself look as glam as possible to go to breakfast downstairs with the business men and women and the odd visitor to Liverpool. We eat our crossants and bacon and teeny slices of pink grapefruit and chunks of fresh honeycomb among the busy people before G heads to his office (withen sight of the hotel).

I've been watching them; wedding parties, groups of friends, couples, people here on business mostly. I watch them come and go and here we stay.

Indefinately apparently. G spoke to the lawyers on the Canadian end of the deal and they are not optimistic saying it could be 3-6 weeks yet.

I spend my days wandering round Liverpool with E, shopping and enjoying being a tourist in a city I've lived in on and off for 7 years.

We take turns going outside to smoke a J in the evening when E's sound asleep. Getting high outside this place is a trip in itself. The city has such a buzz, sort of like electricity in the air. Plus this hotel is fucking weird.

{where I live now}

I didn't weigh myself this week; the scales were packed. I've slipped into the smallest jeans I own (tags on) yesterday which suprised me. I catch my own reflection and don't immideatly reccognise myself which on top of everything else going on in my life makes things ever more surreal.

I'm meant to visit W this weekend but there are some issues complication that. G is jealous of me getting away, spending money and insecure about W, which is just sillyness and I'm not even sure I believe he IS insecure and not just using it as a reason to get out of taking care of E this weekend, which he has NEVER willingly done for more than a couple of hours.

RANT OVER! TIRED!

I handed the house keys over last night around midnight! I cleaned all day until 5:30, went to the in laws for dinner then had to drive E and G to the hotel in town and put E to bed. Then I had to drive all the way back to the house and finish packing up the car cleaning the floors.

L turned up around 10 which slowed things down hugely. Luckily I was almost finished when she got there so we sat outside chatting and smoking pot until almost midnight. I took pictures of the empty rooms before I left. It's a nice feeling to know its still my house and Ill see it again in 2 years! Thats never happened to me before

The hotel is posh and I love it.

I'd say more but I am so tired I need sleep now.