Girl, cloudwatcher, zombie slayer.

The stupid fucking magic 8 ball is still adamant that Surf and I will never have sex again. Can you believe we still haven't spoken? Goddamn it. I'm giving him his space.. doesn't mean I can't remind him of what he's missing...

*********************

We're running to catch a train late one night. The doors are closing as we just slip in and we laugh to ourselves slightly drunkenly. The train is pretty full. You grab a seat and I playfully sit on your lap. You wrap your arms around me and we smile and chat about our night and the girl sitting across from us who is clearly passed out.

Sitting on your lap is making me a bit squirmy and I struggle to sit still but I must not be very good at it because I feel you start to adjust your slowly growing cock beneath me. I am wearing a layered white skirt which is spread over us like a fluffy white cloud so no one notices when I reach my right hand behind my back and under my skirt to touch the bulge in your pants.

I run my fingers lightly against the material struggling to keep your thick cock contained. You moan in my ear so desperate to be touched and just your breath against my neck instantly makes me wet.

You wrap your arms around me in such a way that it just looks like we are cuddling with me on your lap. It's pretty late at night and the majority of the people on the train look as intoxicated as we are and don't seem to be paying attention as I slowly unzip your pants.

You try to stop me but I manage to unzip and slip your cock out under my skirt and lightly stroke the shaft before you can grab my hand in such a way that won't bring attention to my naughty act.

You moan against me and I turn my head to see your eyes close. You struggle to open them again and remain composed.

"What do YOU think you're doing?" You ask playfully, running the tip of your tongue along my ear lightly.
"Shhh. No ones looking..." I say running my fingers lightly over the head of your cock.

You take one of the hands that is wrapped around me and put it under my skirt from behind. The skirt is acting like a blanket, shielding us from being caught out.
You hand goes between my legs from behind. As soon as your fingers brush against my damp lacy knickers I moan and can no longer sit still. I notice a man to the right and across from us is watching with a mocking smile but I'm beyond the point of caring. I try to grind my pussy against your hand and you let me for a moment, kissing the back of my neck, all the while I'm trying to remain composed and NOT moan or close my eyes.

My right hand is behind my back, slowly stroking your cock and squeezing it. I want to lick it, suck it, take it all in my mouth but know I can't. It's driving me crazy to have your thick dick in my hand! Your fingers are playing with my clit through my wet knickers now and the excitement of you touching me with so many people around is making my clit throb.

We do this for a few minutes, me stroking your cock faster then slower, you teasing my pussy from behind. You see the man who is watching us now but I think we've both gone beyond the point of caring. He is smiling anyway...

At the next stop as people are getting on and off, I lift myself slightly so it looks as though I am still sitting on your lap when I am actually a few inches above it under the skirt. In an instant you've used your hand under my skirt to pull my knickers to one side and position your dick right outside the opening to my cunt.

'Are you sure?' You whisper in my ear. I don't reply, I just sit slowly down on your massive throbbing cock and feel you bite the side of my neck to remain composed. I am so wet it slips right into my tight pussy and I half moan/half yelp at finally feeling you fill me.

We sit there like that without moving for what seems like an eternity, both of us desperately wanting to fuck hard but both of us now painfully aware that we are on a train full of people. We shutter against eachother...

I can feel your dick twitching inside me and I can't sit still any longer. I start to grind my hips back and forth, slowly riding your cock. Your arms are wrapped around me and you begin to move me up and down as you like. Your lips run up and down my neck. I want to kiss you so badly!

I pretend to be pointing at something out the window at the next stop so that I can bounce up and down on your thick cock for a moment. This seems to push you a little too far though because you don't stop the motion when the train starts again. You just keep rhythmically slipping in and out of my pussy. I've also stopped caring who may or may not be watching and am only aware of you, and me and your cock stretching my pussy and making me feel like I am going to explode!

You need it faster. A few people have noticed the unmistakable motion of fucking but oddly no one looks upset. A couple to our left is blatantly watching you penetrate me and I can tell that it is making them both quite excited.. We look at the woman for a moment and you start to thrust hard and deep into me. She blushes a little and I can see her partners pants getting tight.

For some reason knowing that other people are getting turned on by us is making it even more hot. I know you are so close to cumming and we're 2 stops away from your place so I lift myself off of you a few inches, again under the skirt so you can fuck me faster. You reach your hand under my skirt again and begin to rub my clit.

The closer I get to cumming, the more I bend over arching my ass towards you. I can feel you getting closer and closer. You've made eye contact with the woman watching us and I can tell it's making her hot. The guy she is with keeps re-adjusting his pants and whispering things in her ear, never taking his eyes off of us.

One stop left. There are only a handful of people left on the train at this point and near enough all of them seem to be aware that we are fucking, sneaking glances and getting red faced. I no longer care where I am and the feeling of needing to release takes over. I start to stand and you stand with me automatically, desperate to keep your cock hidden deep inside my tight wet cunt.

Much to the amazement of the people around us, I bend over and you instinctively start to fuck me, hard and deep. Neither one of us is holding back now and I am aware that we have less than a minute before we get to our stop. I grab your hands and stick them up under my shirt. You cup my tits hard and start to fuck me even faster, harder, still watching the women across from us and her watching in complete fascination. I'm getting closer and closer, I stop swallowing down the moans and let them all come out. As soon as you hear me whimpering you bite my neck again and I feel you start to cum. Feeling that familiar motion sets me off.

I scream,"Oh FUCK Ohhh Fuck YES!" as I feel you shooting a massive load into me. EVERYONE is watching us now but oddly, no one seems to be offended...
We stay entwined for about 10 seconds before the train comes to a stop feeling the aftershocks and both of us watching the other couple watching us.. You quickly slip out of me and zip up your pants. My skirt falls down, hiding my wet knickers and we run from the train giggling.

Tonight was a write off! I got a a message on my computer when I came upstairs from seeing the kid and the X off for their weekend at my parents house up north. It said, "S.O.S. PLEASE CALL ME!" from a guy I met online but wasn't into so stayed friends with but had never met in real life. He was meant to be on a repeat date with a girl who had stood him up the week before. She hadn't showed again! He was a couple of blocks away he said. Not what I wanted to be doing but he sounded upset so I invited him round.
Long story short, the guy was an asshole and was mostly mental. It took me a bit to realise this though as I just assumed he was stressed at being stood up yet again.

Turns out he was just an aggressive jerk. He was nice enough TO me, but the things he said about other girls he's dated... the lies he's told, OMG. He kept ordering me drinks. I just wanted to peace out. By 11:30 I went one way and he went the other and I thanked my lucky stars I was rid of him!

I went out with Budd Guy again yesterday. I had given him the green light to make a move but we spent the entire day together and I really wasn't feeling it. He's so lovely and cute and has such a sexy voice but I need someone who CAN take control of me and this guy clearly can't. I'm finding out more and more than timidness turns me off.

Anyway, I could see that he was sticking around and sticking around, waiting for an opening. He was meant to peace out around 5 and come 8:30 he was still here but needing to leave. I took pity and walked him down to his car. When we got there he was ready to leave but I went over and hugged him and nuzzled his neck and said, "I had a really nice day!". And then he kissed me. It was nice, but too little too late.

(sigh)

Still nothing from Surf.

I sent a txt to Surf asking him to txt me when he was free as I knew he had a friend staying over and that I didn't want to intrude but wanted to call him.

He woke me up at midnight. I called him. He was drunk. We had a discussion where I tried to explain things to him. No, I wasn't tryign to hurt him. No, I wasn't trying to manipulat ehim. I honestly thought he didn't care enough to respond to me so why sould he care if i walked away from it?

He cared. He's seems really hurt and I don't knopw how to make it up to him. Also, a small bit of me thinks he either wanted an excuse to break free or likes drama. Either way I am unimpressed. Knowing he is pissed at me makes me feel shitty. The magic 8 ball says Surf and I will never have sex again BUT I could change that future by making some gesture. So I sent him a dirty story. I don't know why... I wanted him to know I want him.

*********************

I'm sitting on the northbound train at night alone, smiling in anticipation.
I'm on my way to see you.
I know with some certainty that I will feel you naked in the next few hours. The more I think about it, the more I squirm a little in my seat. Doesn't matter; I'm alone but for a guy across from me who hasn't opened his eyes once since I boarded at the train station.
I let my mind wander to the things I've missed since last seeing you.
Your smell, the way you taste... that gorgeous cock.
I'm at my stop. Buddy still doesn't open his eyes which is good because I have to adjust my skirt and my knickers are wet.

I walk quickly to your house. You are sitting outside waiting for me and when our eyes meet we both grin.
You open your arms and envelop me. I press my lips against the side of your face, your neck breathing you in. You smell so sexy, like clean sheets and that unmistakable smell of boy. I press myself hard against you and run my fingers down your back to your ass and squeeze it with both hands. You take my hand and lead me inside.

You always make me wait. You offer me a drink. I sit down. You sit beside me. I stare longingly at you whilst you flick through channels. I cuddle up next to you and begin to run my fingers lightly up and down your thighs, first in top of your shorts and then slowly easing my fingers inch by inch higher, then all the way back down again, then slightly higher up the inside of your gorgeous thighs. I can feel your pants getting tighter and it makes me smile. You are looking down at me as I slide down the couch a little so I am laying beside you but my head is level with your stomach. I lift up your shirt, desperate to touch your skin. I smell your chest and you sit up so I can slide your shirt off.

You are so gorgeous. Smooth skin speckled with moles and freckles. I love running my hand up and down your body feeling each little dot and wanting to kiss each one. But my face is elsewhere. My mouth is opening slightly against the bulge in your shorts. I find the tip with my tongue and run it over it. You moan and smile and continue watching me and my hand slides up the inside of your leg, under your shorts, under your pants to you lovely soft balls and fantastic hard cock.

I only touch it lightly, almost a whisper. I feel you arch yourself against my wanting to be touched so badly. I undo your shorts and you list yourself so I can slide them and your pants off together.

You are laying naked beside me. I sit up and take my shirt off as you watch. I move up the couch now, level with you and press myself against you.

You kiss me hard as I take your shaft in my hand. Every time I hold it it brings a smile to my face! Thick, long gorgeous. You have the most amazing cock I've ever seen. I love running my fingers along it, feeling you contract and push against me, desperate to feel something wet against it.

The kissing gets more passionate. I can feel how dripping wet I am. I take your hand and put it under my skirt, moving the knickers to one side, your finger touched my wet pussy and I arch hard towards it. I am so desperate to feel any part of you inside me I feel like I am going to burst. You tease the outside of pussy for a few seconds but you can see how badly I need a finger or two inside of me. So you slowly slip the tip of one finger in and I moan loudly. I push against you and you slide another finger in to the tip as well. You like how wet you've made me and you can imagine sliding into me, slippery and tight.
I rotate around that, with your fingers still inside of me, I can get my mouth on that tasty cock of yours!

I slide down and put my face between your legs, breathing in deeply. I LOVE the smell of your balls. I lick them lightly, slowly working my way up to the base of your shaft. You continue to slowly slide a finger in and out of me, pulling it out only to wet my clit and run it a little. You want you cock in my mouth or pussy so bad you are beginning to get impatient. You slap me hard on the ass. I slide my tongue along the tip of your cock.. You slap me again and I take the whole tip in, sucking it heartily. Another hard smack and your cock is deep in my mouth and I'm eagerly lapping up your pre cum, which tastes better than fresh honey.

I suck and lick and suck and tease that amazing cock of yours, getting you so close a couple of times that I worry you will cum and the fun will be over.

And then you grab me, obviously through with the teasing. You walk to the kitchen and start pouring yourself a glass of water. I'm out of breath and parched as well so I follow you. You gulp down half the glass and hand it to me out of breath. I can't take my eyes off of your sexy naked flesh or the rock hard dick that's pointing at me mockingly.

And then you grab me by both hands, spin me around and bend me over the counter top! You hold my arms behind my back with one and hand use the other to lift up my skirt and penetrate me in one smooth motion. I am so wet you glide right in and feel my cunt tighten hard on your thick cock.

I moan loudly and you cover my mouth with your free hand. Someone else is in the house asleep. We have to be quiet. I bend over as much as I can. arching my ass towards you and you start fucking me hard, deep. It hurts a little but it's a good hurt. I love when your thick cock stretches my pussy...

I struggle to get my hands free and when I do my right hand goes straight to my clit. You whisper something dirty 'yeah, that's right! run that juicy pussy...' which drives me wild. I love hearing your moans and whispers of, 'oh god, oh fuck yes...'

You take your free hands and cup my tits. Periodically pinching my nipples hard to listen to me moan.

I'm close to cuming. I can feel my pussy tightening even more against your cock and I want it harder. You know I do and smack me hard on the ass again which makes a loud slapping noise at the same time I scream, "FUCK! Oh, FUCK! I love the way you fuck me...ahh I love your cock.. oooh yes harder..."

You can feel me getting close. You want to cum at the same time as me. Your breathing is even faster now, I turn my head to look you in the face as you are fucking me from behind. You kiss my cheek, my lips. You cock goes deeper, harder..."come on you dirty little bitch. Cum on my cock!' You whisper and send me over the edge. I start to cum hard, loudly and the sound and feeling sends over the edge as well.
You feel yourself releasing and shuddering against me as my pussy tighten and contracts with waves of orgasm which goes on for a few minutes.

I lay hunched against the counter, you laying against me, spent but I don't want your dick out of me yet. I love the way it feels, slowly twitching and sending rippling shockwaves throughout my body.

I love fucking you too. You drive me wild. The way you smell, the way you act. The dirty looks and the sillyness. Almost every bit of being near you to me is foreplay. I can't be near you and not wanting to touch you, taste you, hold you naked, smell every bit of you, touch every freckly, every mole, make you happy, make you moan, make you cum.

*********************

Here it is, 1:22 am and nothing from him.

Surf and I messaged eachother at the same time today. He claimed he didn't get my facebook message from Saturday until this morning. He said it was up to me as I had ended it but that he didn't know I was unhappy and that if that was true that we would discuss things and make it better. THEN he freaked out (this is all via email as he's at work)and said he felt like this was all a ploy to manipulate him. I swear to fuck I didn't even think he'd care! I tell him all the time that I am almost completely oblivious to other peoples feeling and yet he still chooses to believe that I am manipulative rather than just unaware.

I think we will be ok but he had a friend flying in tonight and didn't have his phone at work and he said I HAVE to call him to work this shit out rather than let it get like it did and I explained to him that I didn't feel like I could call.

I also admitted to feeling insecure because I know I like him more than he likes me.

He never responded to that and that was at 1pm. I texted him earlier saying that if he was a free moment to txt me and I would call him but nothing.

He said he didn't feel like I cared about him or us. He said he had no idea where this was coming from and that it had really thrown him.

He last said:

I feel like you don't care about us /me. This has come all of a sudden to me and im having a hard time dealing with it. I don't have my phone on me today. I gave it to Colin so he can meet up with my friend to pick him up the the airport. I had no idea you were unhappy until last nights texts and when I read your facebook message this morning.

So I said:

If you had no idea I was unhappy and you are willing to talk to me about it then this is just another case of miscommunication and something fixable. I care about you/us heaps and heaps. Loads. Piles of candy's worth. Ok?

He said:

Then what the hell was last night. Why didn't you call me before all this? You HAVE to talk to me about what's bothering you. From my point of view this looks like a manipulation ploy, an exercise of power, and a very immature way to have gone about telling me how you feel.

So I said:

I promise I wasn't trying to manipulate you and you know me well enough to know I don't lie, right? I felt like I WAS trying to talk to you. Possibly I was insecure because you don't like me the way I like you. I never meant to hurt you and honestly thought it would be a case of:

me: Im done here
you: ok
me: I had fun
you: me too. maybe we can be friends in the future.
me: sure

I'm sorry.

And nothing.

What does he want? What do I do? And why the fuck can't this boy just like me the way I like him

I just broke up with Surf.

In a way it was pre-emptive but mostly Lo reminded me of all the things I don't like about the way he acts and I realised I needed to end it.

I deleted him from my facebook and my msn. He's txted me to say he's sorry I feel that way and I just said 'what did you expect?'

It sucks.

But, this has shown me that I CAN feel for someone again and that has made me feel very positive indeed.

I just have to make sure the person I like likes me the way I want/deserve.

{sigh}

I'm going out with Budd guy in a bit. He's sweet and cute and has an amazingly sexy voice.

Well, we headed off to the all night electro party, popped some MDMA (for anyone who doesn't know, it's a purer form of ecstasy) and had an AMAZING night! We danced for about 5 hours! I kept touching peoples hair and stroking them but because everyone else was on something too, no one minded

I spent all yesterday recuperating and hiding from the thunderstorm with Marcy and Copps. We watched step brothers and something else. I forget what now as I was still comign down off the mdma, had only had 8 hours sleep in total over 4 nights and we were hitting the bong pretty hard!

I wandered home in the rain around 5. The mdma seemed to kick in a little again on the way home and I had the most amazing walk.

Unfortunately, I forgot I had a date so when I got home I had 45 minutes to feed E, put him to bed and get ready.

I ended up going to a movie with tall guy in Saturdays make-up with a few touch ups. GROSS. He didn't seem to mind. We saw the hangover. We held hands and stroked eachother the whole way through. When he touched my leg he gave me shivers. He's very sweet and very cuddly but is more the kind of guy I'd want to date properly rather than fool around with, if you know what I mean. He made me pasta sauce from scratch ffs. He's someone else's keeper me thinks.

Today I met with Myke. I'm not entirely attracted to him (too many tattoo's and piercings for me and he's a but of a bad boy) but we've had some of the same shit happen in our lives (he's recently separated as well and also has a 3 year old son) so I thought it would be interesting to chat etc. However, he kissed me, then we made out, and although he was so nice to cuddle and happens to have an amazingly thick cock, I'm thinking I'm probably not going to see him again. IF I can get away with it!

Yep, so my magic 8 ball told me today that Surf HAS read the message I sent him (see previous post) and that what we've had is over. STUPID 8 BALL IS ALWAYS RIGHT THOUGH! I asked it if he would message me today, it said he would, and he did, around 12 on msn just saying HI. Myke was here so I didn't respond and when I did come back he was offline. I sent him a txt asking where he went and he said he wasn't at his desk today.

I know I'll be ok if I never see him again. I get asked out by gorgeous, happy successful men all the time so I know I'll find someone else eventually who interests me as much as he does.

He's just so lovely and complex and sexy.

I'll let you know when I get dumped. WAIT! Can you even get dumped when you're fuck buddies?

OMG WHAT A NIGHT! None of my friends were free to go to the BBQ at Dave Dirts with me so I traveled on public transit all the way there. I went the wrong way at one point and added tons of time to my journey.

here were loads of people there and so much food that Dave had made. He's such a good cook! Little charmer...

I walked in, he introduced me to some people, hugged me and told me to be sociable. I was. I thought I was being great. I was introduced to his brother, some friends, his cousin and, as I came to learn much much later in the night, about 5 OTHER girls he was seeing or had seen. Yup. WTF. I'm pretty sure he was just trying to sabotage himself with a couple of these girls because he didn't have the balls to be honest with them about only wanting sex.

Drama ensued. And yet I waited patiently for it to end. I fell asleep in his bed for about 20 minutes and woke up to hear one of the last remaining guests not quietly talking about wanting to suck him etc and how she wasn't sure if she was capable of being open blah blah. I bounced after that. He insisted on driving me to the train station which saves me like 30 minutes travel time. I think he needed an excuse to get away from that girl, who I actually really liked...

He was all over my in the elevator, apologising and saying he didn't know what he was thinking. I was a little cld but only to let him know that although I am very cool with us just having fun, I am NOT cool with some skanky little whore in a bikini yelling at me and telling me what a bad person I am. FUCK ALL THAT.

He asked me if I would even speak to him and I told him everything I just said above. I said I would be happy to spend time with him but that I didn't want any drama and that it wasn't classy. I also said that I no longer felt that he was out of my league but rather I was out of his. And I am.

Still, OMG he's an amazing fuck. Or was it just the thrill of unbelievable chemistry and fucking in the streets of Toronto? Oh, it was EVERYTHING!

Accidentally sent Surf a blank text message sometime last night. He responded today. We chatted online for about 5 sentences and he pissed off or whatever.

I'm so tired of wanting him.

I wrote him a letter. I NEED TO KNOW HOW IT MAKES ME COME ACROSS so if you could kindly please leave your input, it would be greatly appreciated!

*********************

I got really high and am completely sleep deprived so I thought I'd write you a little letter I'm hella thoughtful like that.

Seeing you for a few hours last week was such a tease. I wanted you so badly but was so tired and there wasn't any time to get to all the fun stuff I've been meaning to do with you.

IT'S NOT FAIR I don't think I'm being unreasonable. If you think I am so gorgeous and so fuckable and so fucking cool, if you really lose yourself talking to me then spending just a little more time with me shouldn't be such a burden.

I care about your happiness. I care about how you feel. I try to do what I think you want me to; I give you your space. We've shared secrets and I think that even in this short time I'm a little changed because I know you. I don't get jealous of your pursuit of your overwhelming love and actually try to encourage you. And when you find it I'll be happier for you then I am sad for my loss.

I'm not trying to own you. Do you know how rare a girl like me is? I just want to enjoy as much as I can of you while I can.

I don't know what goes through that crazy head of yours but I do know that every time I become resigned to the fact that you JUST AREN'T THAT INTO ME you do something to make me think you you are. It's been an interesting game but I don't know the rules and I'm pretty certain I'm losing

Anyway, having really open conversations like this with you seems impossible so I apologise for it's one-sidedness. This is just what's in my head and what I would really appreciate you keeping this dialogue open and maybe even responding to me :O Scary idea, I know.

In short, me: adoring you, wanting just a few more hours a week to converse with you and partake in deviant sexual escapades or anything else you are willing to share with me. (see! not just using you for sex!)

x

*********************

On my way to an all night rave type thing. So tired...

What an amazing first date! Dave picked me up at 10:30 and we drove a neighbourhood we both know. He brought me some banana muffins he made me! I can't believe how sweet and thoughtful this guy is!

We had a couple of drinks and I was a little, well, not shy but slightly in awe. Dave is HOT. Dave is pretty much a 10 in looks and personality and I liked feeling intimidated by him...

We had a couple of drinks and some laughs. We have the same sort of humour. Then we went out to smoke a J in the alley before tottering off down the street. We then wandered into an art exhibit and some live singing. It was such a great atmosphere and Dave won a painting! It's a painting of a guy who looks VERY gay but apparently wasn't. The artist wrote our names on it and signed it and we LOVED it!

We got closer at the gallery. His breath on my neck made me insane. And when he kissed me, OMG what a kiss! His kisses did unspeakable things to me, down there! Hahaha. By the time we left I was pretty drunk and horny! We kept stopping to randomly make out and at one point he had his fingers in me on the street! I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING THAT SKANKY BEFORE! Things got more and more dirty and we ended up sitting on a bench at Trinity Bellwoods. At one point there was a guy on the bench beside us, obviously aware that we were making out and probably perving on every second of it. We didn't care, it even made it a bit hotter?

When he left we didn't want to stop and ended up fucking on the park bench at 3:30 am. I'd had this fantasy about doing this for a couple of months now but I wanted it to be Surf that nailed me. This was hotter then I even imagined it could be. Dave made me cum HARD and when we finished it didn't finish! His sex drive definitely rivals mine which is so, so very cool

We laughed our asses off, wandered around some more, got a mixed slurpee then ended up taking a cab to a Chinese seafood place. We shared spicy octopus and some beef. By this time he had mostly sobered up, so we started walking back to his truck. Things got hot and heavy AGAIN and we had sex in an alley across the street from a bunch of cops as the sun was starting to light the sky. We were about 200 feet away from a few police cars, lights flashing in an alley off of a main road, fucking against a wall when the condom fell off.

The LAST condom.

WTF. He reached around and started stroaking my clit but for me, the moment had passed. But he still had a massive swollencock so I started stroking his balls. I made him start to jerk off up against the wall, against some beautifully done graffiti. He made the sexiest little moans and jerked it like a pro! It was so sexy and filthy! He shot more cum then I have ever seen on a second attempt all over himself, the wall, the ground...

Neither of us were drunk by that point; I'm not sure why I even did it BUT I HAVE NO REGRETS unlike with Reiki Guy which was boring and not worth the additional 'number'.

Yeah, so Dave is number 7. That's 5 since January. Is that bad? Thing is, if I slept with even half the guys who wanted to nail me I'd have a retarded number. Of the 5 I've slept with, the pilot, surf and Dave had definitely been worth it!

He invited me to a BBQ at his place tonight. I'm hoping the girls will come with me. I'm also hoping this wasn't just one drunken, fucked up night where we never see eachother again because this guy is too much fun!

Casper came round this morning and we traded stories. She's really falling for the girl she's been seeing and it's sweet...

Stunt guy never got back to me which is hilarious because these things typically go the other way, that is, them looking and other people backing out. I sent him a playful message on facebook calling him a chicken. I'm not sure why I am so keen...

So I was in bed by 10:30. I kept waking up and having to make myself go back to sleep! I'm not used to getting more than about 3 or four hours tops!

I'm supposed to go out with Dave Dirt tonight but not having a phone is starting to drive me insane. Its so hard to make plans!! I think he just wanted me to come over and watch movies anyway haha. Anyway, I have a back up plan of hitting the karaoke bar with Casper and the girl she's been dating these past couple of weeks.

Surf has to go in for a rather unpleasant procedure today. I could only send him best wishes on Facebook! A little tacky but I wanted to say SOMETHING.

He's in my thoughts but so are so many, many other guys. Partially because I don't want Surf to overwhelm my thoughts because I know he's likely to break my heart. But the other parts of me know I need other peoples company and I love meeting new people.

Surf could easily make me want just him if he wanted just me. It scares me to admit that.

Going to a massive overnight electronic music festival Saturday night with my friends. Should be fun times.

Anyway, I need a new phone. I better get on that.

Surf didn't mention anything. I didn't either. He did reiterate that he doesn't feel 'that way' about me despite thinking I am so hot, so cool etc. I actually feel really good about this. In my heart I know that a lot of the things that I am attracted to in Surf are things I was attracted to in Gray, like the fact that he would rather be alone, playing with computers than to be with me. Or the way he kind of changes from one person to another...

I was meant to meet Dave Dirt last night. Dave is someone I met online back in February but still have yet to meet. My hesitation has always been that Dave is quite dirty and so hot it's intimidating. His body is sick, he works hard and still finds the time to do volunteer work etc.

We were meant to go to a drum circle but the weather was shit so we rescheduled for Thursday. I think I'm just going to go chill and watch movies with him...

Instead I had sushi and red wine with Sarie, Lo Lo and Kreamy. And then I got a txt from Surf saying he was on his way home from his coffee date and would I like to come over. Hell yeah.

I got there so late though and we watched a movie so by the time we went to bed, I was a lost cause and I think both of us just wanted to straight up fuck. Doesn't help that we haven't seen eachother in 10 days or whatever...

We need more time! All the dirty things we talk about doing to eachother require just a little more time then a few hours in the middle of the night...

I was up and out by 6:30am. I tried to give him a cuddle before I left, would have woken him up in a nice way but he was so ridiculously asleep it would for sure have been sexual assault Instead I watched him snore like a little duck, his face mashed against his hand, greasy and adorable.

I kept looking at him, mouth wide open, emitting little duckie snores and wondering why the fuck, of all the men I have woke up next to, do I want to watch this one, slightly geeky, slightly awkward guy? Why am I smiling? And why do I feel like I could happily watch him sleep for hours? What am I making myself puke!? haha

I'm going out with stunt guy and his g/f tonight for a drink IF he gets round to confirming before I bounce out of here tonight. My mobile is fucked; I left it out in the rain... His g/f, who I have yet to meet, is HOT like out of my league sexy. I'm told that I am highly sexual by people I know and don't know all the time, but this girl, wow, she's something else.

Stunt guy and Sam are looking for a third to become a threesome with them. I think they have an idea of cuddles, sex and companionship in three. I have to admit, I've always been fascinated by unconventional relationships that involve more then 2 people but I've never considered it myself until I met stunt guy and he approached me with his master plan haha. Now the idea is very interesting indeed.

My stomach is killing me. It started Friday. It feels like it did when my stomach was at its worst, utter aching pain.

I didn't hear from Surf AT ALL Sunday. I've been preparing myself for the end, mentally saying my goodbyes. Over and over in my head I repeated, HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. No big deal. Doesn't make me a shitty person or anything, just means I'm not for him.

But the chemistry! OMG he has to feel it too!

And then yesterday he messaged me on msn from work. We had some pretty open dialogue which, with Surf, can be very unproductive normally as he tends to 'dissappear' before answering, and then 'forget' to answer questions that are too 'deep'. I think maybe Surf is trying very hard to not like me

Here's where things got good.

BLAH BLAH BLAH TEASING ARGUMENT...

ME: don't talk to me then

SURF: YOU HAVE NOTHING FUN TO TALK ABOUT> YOU SUCK IN BED> YOU DRESS LIKE AN OLD MAN! WERE THROUGH!

ME: lol dress like an old man eh? pthh!

SURF: haha, i was trying to think of your opposites

ME: LOL you're being too nice today

SURF: sorry

ME: quit it or I'll think you more than tolerate me Ill get a fat head

SURF: I love fucking you, you make the sexiest sounds. You're fucking gorgeous. I lose myself talking to you. You're the coolest girl i've ever met. you want me to stop right?

ME: no. I want you to mean it.

SURF: i did mean that

ME: well wtf!

SURF: im trying to be the guys you keep meeting that don't like to see what happens. hopefully you haven't ran off yet.

ME: what do you mean?

SURF: i don't know i guess. im trying to be normal?

ME: you lost me somewhere... if you like me so much why do you drive me so crazy?.....i think about you all the time and all I get from you is that you do NOT like me that way!

SURF: i drive everyone close to me crazy. remember?

ME: lol if you're fucking with me... it isn't nice

SURF: im not fucking with you but clearly i've confused you so i'll stop.

ME: I think you are the one whos confused

SURF: i won't argue that, im just sharing my confusion

ME: good cus I can probably get through another week of you avoiding me on the comps youve given me today

SURF: k good. talk to you in a week

ME: lol noooooooooooooooo

SURF: toodles

ME: I don't like not talking to you for a day, ur clearly crazy

SURF: you're begining to sound all mushy

ME: says you!

SURF: im going for a run

ME: ?

THE END!!

That was yesterday afternoon at about 5:45. We haven't communicated in any way since then.

ARGH this guy! He over thinks everything! He definately seems to have some mild personality disorder, which, to be fair, he DID try to explain to me when we met.

He's not like anyone I've ever know in some ways.

And in other ways I see my usual pattern of being attracted to introverted geeks with mild social issues.

But I CARE about him! I don't just want to fuck him and I don't just want to be friends with him and it isn't some odd combination of best friend fuck buddy like the pilot. I feel fiercely protective of Surf, sort of, like I want to actually understand how he feels make him happy. I care how he feels. It's such a weird feeling.

I'm not used to this! I've always been a person lacking in a lot of empathy and in some ways, compassion, but since I ended my relationship with G I've felt less and less emotion. I've been oblivious to men developing feelings and hurt a few despite meaning well because I could NOT reciprocate the feelings.

I'd rather feel a broken heart then feel nothing at all.

On paper it makes no sense but there it is.

I like this boy.

I've learned a little about Surfs games and how to not lose at them. I have to wait for him to contact me and there's a 98% chance he will NOT mention anything from out last conversation. And to be honest I LIKE where this is slowly going...

Despite this, I went on a date last night with a guy I met on an online dating site a few DAYS ago. It was funny but everyone we know is dry for weed right now but this guy has a hook up right near me so I asked if he could hook me up for G who had told me that day he was almost out. So esentially I hooked up my X with someone I went on a date with.

Anyway, he met me at Sarie and Lo Lo's as we were finishing off a bottle of slovakian plum brandy which tasted nothing like brandy and a lot like tequila.

JL came in and met the girls. He's cute but his voice is SO HOT. Sexy... anyway, he had a few shots with us and then we went to this cute, ancient 24 hour cafe I go to and had a drink and some sweet potatoe fries.

We ended up chilling on the lakeshore at a place he knows well, AND APPARENTLY I DO TOO as it's 100% visable from my flat!!! Like if anyone was looking out my 42nd floor window and KNEW where to look they could have seen us, chilling, chatting, losing so much time...

He's a great guy. Normal, fun, hinted at some naughtyness with the police in highschool but otherwise, lovely.

Do I want to touch his junk? No, not really.

Wait, come to think of it, I haven't WANTED to touch ANYONES junk since I met Surf! I mean, I HAVE obviously with Reiki guy and the x and etc. but I haven't WANTED to in the way I do with Surf where even thinking about it overwhelms me and all I can think about is how good he feels...

What was I talking about again?

I still haven't seen Surf. I'm not asking him anymore. Sometimes I wonder how much my attraction to him is based on him not wanting me. I LIKE him! How can HE not like ME!? SRSLY DOES NOT COMPUTE.

And so my week has had some productive and really unproductive moments.

I did my first karaoke ever. I bombed at the theme song to Fresh Prince. I had to do a restart. Don't worry though, i wasn't nervous or embarrassed at my blunder because I was DRUNK! This was only the second time I have been properly DRUNK since moving back to Canada. I had planned to go to see Reiki Guy after my first karaoke but I didn't plan to be drunk.
Casper, her friend from work and I did another song but I can't for the life of me remember what it was..
The entire evening a guy at the table in front and to the right of me would smile and mouth words to me in a greatly exaggerated fashion. things like 'YOU'RE FUNNY!' and 'OH NO!!' when people were singing. I was pretty drunk so I asked Casper if he was as cute as I thought he was and she agreed that he most definitely was. I got up to go to the loo and make sure I looked OK so that I could send him a drink or pass him a note but when I got back his table had already peaced. Casper says she's seen him there before...

After we closed the karaoke place, I met a couple I know through Marcy who, luckily, were more trashed then I was. Then Casper (who doesn't drink, I though I should add that) drove me to the Reiki guys new flat.

It's was like 3 am I think.
I don't even fancy this guy! I know he's good looking, and quite nice but just NOT MY TYPE. But, I wanted a cuddle and he was willing. I wanted to keep my mind off of Surf.

But, one thing led to another and and another and when I 'accidentally' grabbed his dick I was SHOCKED! This 5'8. 140 pound guy has a dick as think as my arm! I had sex with him He was so giving and understanding and I wanted to erase Surf from my mind. It was ok. He was number 6 for me. I was number 78 for him. Thats says a lot.

I kinda feel like I wasted a number you know? I've gone from 2 to 6 since January and although Trev was just to prove a point to the pilot I didn't feel bad about it at all..

The next morning he jokingly accused me of using him for sex. I said, duh and meant it. Not sure if I'll see him again. I wanted to be friend with him before we fucked though but I'm not sure we can go back...

The guy from my building sent me a txt asking me what I was doing yesterday afternoon. I didn't reply.

I did reply to txts from the Pride guy this week. SO last night we agreed to meet.However, he was drunk and clearly wanted to fuck me. He gave me a massage, we had a cuddle, he spanked the shit out of my ass and I peaced out. He bored me but the spanking was highly enjoyable...

Other stuff this week... I read through the GED manual and some of the bursaries and grant shit. I started my course of self awareness that should help me what to take in school and do for a living. I'm ready now. I put in my application across the street and spoke to a careers counsellor. I can do this even though I have no one to make me, help me or support me. I am a very strong girl. {sigh} Self affirmation bullshit aside, I am scared but Im not sure why. worse case scenario doesn't seem so bad really...

I found out one of the guys I've been chatting to but not met yet is a very well known stunt man yesterday. He didn't feel the need to share that info before. Fair enough. I'm more impressed by what he does then by who he knows anyway and may get him to teach me to take some hits like a pro, if he will...

And a week later...
I don't know why I don't find the time to write this stuff down.

This week has been a one learning experience after another.

I've met some interesting boys.

Irish is a 2nd level reiki healer (?), He would be smoking hot to me if he was 6 inches taller and 30 pounds heavier. He digs me, is a little broken hearted and is just looking for someone to cuddle, hang with and fuck.

Next was Ian. Ian IS smoking hot but his personality is slightly shy and insecure. I'm not so into that but I DID ask him if he wanted to go out again..I'm not sure he was up for it. Hey LOOK. I bounced back

Then Bri. He looks like my oldest friends husband, but 28 (younger), taller and not bald. Otherwise they are so much alike... He was lovely, cuddly, sweet kind and hinted at dirty. We went and saw Bruno and then spent hours chatting in the car, stopping to gently kiss. He's far more tender then I am used to but I'll see him again...

Surf and I had our first ever argument the day before last. We 'speak' everyday in txt or online but seldom see eachother more than once every 10 days. The argument was online and was silly really. He made a comment about one of the guys I had been seeing who I broke up with a month ago and was still missing me.

THIS IS HOW IT WENT DOWN

Surf: part of having sex, getting to know people, relationships means getting emotions envolved, is what im saying.

me: not for me, not really.

surf: bulls shit. if i told you that i don't want to see you anymore and that all we've shared meant nothing. You'd be hurt. don't deny that.

me: I already told you you're different

me: but Id still be fine

surf: fine yes, and so will your bruised boys.

me: yes but, you wouldn't do that to me that way because you know I care. I am clueless to what these guys feel so I DO do stuff like bail and hurt (them)

surf: honestly i feel they were a bit naive. you still live with your ex. you're hardly available. if they let themself fall for you then thats their problem. of course they'd feel bad. i sure as fuck would but i wouldn't be QQ after a month...

That comment about my X niggled at me until an hour or so later when I asked him about it.

He said some stuff about how he wouldn't date someone in my position but that how that's not the only reason who we are only friends who fuck and not 2 people with a future together. I don't FEEL like Surf is forever either but I've not felt like forever is even possible since my first heartbreak. However, he goes out of his way to confide in me and to try to get me to confide in him. He's never in a hurry to see me. He is always the first to txt me and msn me during the day.

When I see his name on a txt I get excited. Surf makes me smile. I completely understand where he's coming from in terms of not wanting to get involved with someone in my position. I'd be the same way but I can't think of specifically why. I still like him.

Anyway, we've had a few niggly issues over the past couple of days and I need some making up time. I asked him to come here today at lunch and fuck me but before I even got an msn reply Sushi guy (who I haven't seen in MONTHS) sent me a message saying he was coming round to smoke a J which we'd kind of arranged the nite before. I doubt Surf would have come anyway...

My newly 3 year old E and I spent the afternoon wandering and blowing bubbles downtown. We shared a blue raspberry slushy which helped to erase the taste of the vanilla scented bubbles we'd popped on our faces.
We played with a 3 foot balloon which seems to hover mid air much longer then a normal sized one. E would laugh hysterically and charge at it like a bull sending it spinning madly into the air only to very slowly float its way back down again...

We went to the bakery and bought a banana/chocolate layer cake which he was very pleased with.

I am starting to REALLY like my kid! I mean, I think parents LOVE their children almost instinctively but LIKING and loving can be quite different.
The more E develops, the more I LIKE his personality; the way he hums happy little tunes as he plays or the cheeky grin he gives me when he knows he's doing something funny. He takes my face in both his hands when he kisses me. He is getting more affectionate everyday! ESPECIALLY on public transit for some reason. He wraps his legs around my waist and sits on my lap, resting his head on my shoulder and humming baby songs.

He played with each gift he received for his birthday equally. I bought him wooden puzzles and books. He got so much stuff from family though! ARGH! I suppose it will be handy to have so much when it's split between 2 households soon...

Happy third birthday E. You mean the world to me. I know I'm not the most natural of mom's kid but I endeavour to teach you to be happy, self reliant and to follow your passion! I'm sorry that you probably won't remember this, your last birthday with your mom and dad 'together' in one house.

I will always love you.

Ok, a lot has happened since my last post which was actually written more than 2 weeks ago.

I chatted to my first love online last week. He took what little he knew about my life and somehow found it worth his pity rather than envy. He's getting married in September to the ginger immigration officer. I wish he knew how much I still love him the way he was...

D joined a web dating site and has stopped trying to tell me he loves me.

Max went funny last week and I got a few calls where he told me how much he misses spending time with me and our 'cuddles'. He kinda stalked me and found me at Pride last week when I was out with some friends. I was texting Surf at the time. We ended up having a good night out with my friends and some new friends including pride Guy. I held him and told him I miss him too but I didn't kiss him. I know he wants me to have feelings for him even if just the way I did briefly but I feel nothing. Fondness. I like Max. I thought I could fall in love with him one rainy afternoon months ago. I was wrong. I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I feel dead inside sometimes.

I finally slept with Surf! It was GREAT! He has the most amazing cock I have ever had inside me, no joke. The foreplay was endless so when we finally did fuck it ws short but sweet. He finished and I came so close I was left feeling hella frustrated. He told me that I have really cute sex sounds. He said my name when he came. Everything he says in the heat of passion turns me on so much! His moans, when he tells me how great I feel...I bailed right after as it was 1 am and I wanted to catch the train. I'm like that.

Surf can be a lot of work emotionally. I'm starting to understand why. He's been effected a lot by some things that happened in his childhood. I want to hug him and make it all better, he's made it clear to me that he sees no real future for us, stating that it doesn't feel 'magic' with me. I'm happy with this arrangement (friends with benefits) but he acts like we're working towards more whilst simultaneously playing txt games where he doesn't txt me back until the evening and things. We see eachother once ever 11 days or so but chat everyday. My friends think this is the reason I haven't got sick of him already. I wonder if that's true. He told me yesterday that he likes 'the way we're headed'. He's a very complex character and I like him more than I have liked anyone in a long time.

Having said that, since he told me that he doesn't see any sort of couple relationship long term for us I've been back to my usual ways.

I nailed the x a few times. Naughty but so familiar and nice.

I met Pride Guy at Pride (the gay pride festival in Toronto) who I haven't seen since despite him asking me out repeatedly. It wasn't until after I gave him my number (in a friendly way, he lives a couple of blocks away) that I found out he made out with my friend Casper 5 minutes before I met him and even though we were hanging out all evening he asked for my number, not hers. Ouch. She didn't care but I told him that I don't make out with guys who've made out with my friends. Plus, although she thought he was hot, he's not really my type. He sent me a lovely message last night about how much fun he thought I was and how he'd like to see me again, on my terms. I can set the boundaries. I liked that and told him I'd go round for a few drinks later this week. Hmm...

I met 2 guys on the street walking home one night a month ago. One of them asked for my number but I was in to the other guy so I said, "I don't give out my digits yo! What kinda girl do you take me foe? Gimme yers and I might txt you.."

So then I txt'd him when I was bored with Casper at some random POFs flat one night. I asked him why his friend didn't ask for my number and he asked me if I'd like him to give it to him. I was like, no, just being greedy but he never replied. Then, when I was driving up north this week with my X husband in the car, random dude number 2 up and CALLS me.

"Hey, it's Dave, Lee's friend." I know a few Lee's! And even more Daves! "we met on the street..."
I figured out who he was and quickly told him I was driving and that I'd call him when I got back into the city. OMG. Will I? he was 6'6, black and I remember him saying he has a 9 (?) year old daughter.

A guy in my building asked me to 'hang out' with him last night in the grocery store at 10 pm. I am so duh for someone who thinks of themselves as cosmo. I was wearing lacey fishnets, black heels, knickers and a trenchcoat. It was 10 pm and I wasn't dressed before I went out to buy peanut butter and I thought it was dirty that I wasn't dressed but no one could tell.

Anyway, buddy gives me his number. We've met a few times and he seemed quiet. 6'2, 36(?) black. Not my type. I was just bored and apparently very naive and I thought we could have a chat and actually hang out. I changed my clothes to something more appropriate and went down to his. He just wanted to touch my junk. He started asking me if my x would care if he was fooling around with someone in the building. I told him he was getting way ahead of himself. Then I bailed. he called and sent me a txt asking me to come back but I said "perhaps some other night" to which he responded, "cool"

That should be the end of that.

Anyway, that's some of them. I'm not finished but Casper is on her way over. We're taking the kid ot today to the zoo or someplace amazing for a 3 year old whos birthday is tomorrow.

STUPID BOYS
My week was mostly uneventful. I saw Max on Friday. He came to the Motown party my friends and I go to once a month. I wasn't with him more than 10 minutes when I realized that although I hadn't seen him in a month, I wasn't feeling that unbelieveable sexual chemistry at all. When we got to the club we had a chat and I told him that I value his friendship greatly but that things just feel different. He agreed. I hope we stay friends. We had such a unique relationship.

I also told my x that we wouldn't be sleeping together anymore.

This means I haven't had a dick inside of me for a couple of weeks now.

[DANGER]

Surf came home from his camping trip on Monday night. He texted me as soon as his phone was withen tower radius.

I know he must have been thinking about me too to have texted me straight away. But then we started chatting about what went down the last night we were together a week ago and he got all paranoid about what I might have told my friends about his cock. He has dick paranoia although he called it something else.

He is starting me drive me batty! He didn't get in until after 11 on Monday and Tuesday and Thursday nights, fair enough, but he's not trying to make any plans with me either! I'd think he just wasn't that into me but he text's me every day around 10 am and we text back and forth all day.

WTF!? I do NOT get this guy. I've told him so as well hoping that he will quit the game playing and be straight with me. All I want to do is spend time with him, naked and otherwise. STUPID STUPID boy doesn't know how close I am to losing interest! I do NOT like having to work this hard...

I called him last night. He was on his way in and we got cut off so I texted him to ask him to call me when he was inside and settled. He called me like a half hour later saying he had been on the phone with a friend... I think he likes to make me wait! I think HE think I respond well to being treated differently then he might think I am used to being treated by guys. And in a way he's fucking right! I love that he doesn't fawn all over me but I would like to know WHAT he thinks of me too, you know?

Anyway, today is rainy and shit. I'm staying in with the kid recuperating from hoola hoop related injuries and waiting for my 10 am text...

Stupid boys.

Surf and I chatted again on Tuesday. My internet started acting funny though so when I went offline he sent me lovely messages like 'COME BACK TO ME' and eventually texted me. He had dinner with his brother and baseball and had to finish packing for his canoe trip on Wednesday so I didn't think we'd see each other for a week.

I went to S.L.A.M.S (Sarie, Lo, And Marcy'S, my closest friends) and we had drinks and an odd photo session before going to the park to check out the Tuesday Night Drum Circle.

I'd never been before but the girls had. I expected 25 people and a few drums.

There were hundreds of people and TONS of drums, flamethrowers, hippies, emo kids, punks, hipsters girls with hoola hoops, a couple in a hammock 20 feet in the air... it was hella impressive! I got a text from Emo Guy (a guy I met online and dated once a coupld of weeks ago) telling me he was sick and that he'd like to see me again. We chatted back and forth for a bit while I was dancing...

Then, after we'd made it back to SLAMS and were playing Rockband (me on vocals, Lo on drums and Sarie on guitar) I got a late night txt from Surf. I told him I was in need of a cuddle and after chatting back and forth for a bit he asked me if I was saying that I wanted to come over. I said I would if he asked me too...

I pounded back my open drink and grabbed my last vodka rockstar for the road. It was 12:38am. I figured out how to get there despite having to finish my last drink on the 3 block walk to the streetcar. He met me outside his building and I tried very hard NOT to look or act drunk.

All 3 times that I have met with Surf I did not leave the house intending to see him. That is, I have never been able to properly get ready to see him!

He commented on how I was wearing jeans and said that he had never seen me wearing pants before. I reminded him that we'd only met 3 times. Then he reminded me that he's on my facebook. Oh yeah. I was actually wearing jeans because Surf has told me that he was hesitant to meet me because of my 'look' and how socialble I am. Sillyness really but I wanted himt o feel comfortable around me and although I didn't inted to see him, I wanted to try wearing jeans so that I could feel more confortable in them. I normally wear dresses or little skirts...

Surf dresses like a typical Canadian sporty lad. He snowboards and bikes to work everyday and wears mostly black or gray snowboard hoodies and t-shirts. We don't exactly match but I could care less.

We smoked a couple of bowls and finished watching the hocky game he'd recorded earlier. I could tell he was nervous but excited.

We were both EXHAUSTED! After some sorting of alarms (I had to be up at 6 to make it home and he wated to be up by 7:30 to finish getting ready for his camping trip) we got into bed.

We cuddled and kissed. I knew he wanted me so badly but he held back so much! I'm am SO happy he did though; I'm not sure I could have withstood otherwise!

Surf had cut himself out of the dating scene for 6 months now and hadn't been with anyone for a long time. He was eagar and greatful and so sexy when I took off his pants and ran the tip on my nose along his thigh, up the inside of his leg to his balls. He was rock hard and has a gorgeous cock so I found my mouth wanting to latch onto it and suck. But I teased, working my way slowly up his thick shaft with my tongue. He was writhing around, moaning saying things like, "Jesus Christ!, OMG you were't kidding! You are AMAZING at that! The best! Holy, Jesus CHRIST!"
It was so hot! the alcohol had loosened up my jaw and I could fit his perfect, think cock all the way down my throat which he greatly noticed and commented on. Haha. He called my name before he came everywhere. I DID think about the health risks involved in sucking his cock and licking his cum off of my lips, but decided that since he'd had loads of bloodwork done in the past coupld of weeks (he's been ill), hadn't been with anyone else in at least 6 month and I had also been tested, that we were as safe as strangers participating in sexual acts without a condom can be. Oh man...

We cuddled then. I stayed mostly fully clothed because I have loads of loose skin from being fat that looks awful and makes me slightly insecure. And I was exhausted... he was naked and gorgeous.

I would feel myself drifting off and the Surf would say something like sweet that showed me he's been thinking about me as much as I've been thinking about him. Then we'd chat a little more.

I wanted him to know that despite being a dating maniac. I do NOT suck just anyones cock. In my entire life I have slept with 4 guys (the one that got away, the one I married and my recent fuck buddies, Max and Trev) and have only blown 2 guys beyond that.

"I don't just put my mouth on anyones cock you know!", I said. He was suprised at my exclusivity but I could tell he was a little smug about it.

I went down on him a second time and he really let go, yelling and moaning and saying exactly what I like hearing! So much so that even thinking about it now is turning me on. He came the second time but there was no actual cum and the aftershocks radiated through his body as he held tightly against me. He was suprised and said he didn't think he'd ever done that before.

We shared my last cigarette (he quit months ago and I started a few months ago so I am NOT buying ANYMORE!) and passed out.

We slept 20 minutes before I had to go. I left him sleeping. So gorgeous sprawled out on his bed. I kissed his cheek and left him a little note:

Thanks for the cuddle!
Have fun on your trip.
-me

He's gone till Monday night now, not even acessable by phone. This could work in my favour...

Our first kiss...
I was on my way out the door Monday night, hightailing it from my X who was in a very unpleasant mood, when Surf called and asked if I'd like to hang with him tonight. We'd been chatting online all day but I didn't hold out much hope of seeing him this week as he is going camping for 5 days.

I didn't get a chance to prepare to see him at all! I was wearing a black, 3/4 sleeve jersey dress and red tights. I had no make up on (but was as always rocking my 'fawn like' faulse lashes), hadn't had a shower that day and had been crying a little from my argument with the X. But I was so happy he had finally agreed to see me that I didn't care. You'd think it would have made me care more...

I made every connection and got there in no time. He lives really close. He told me which way to walk and we met on the road. We hugged. He was shy but just as cute as I remembered him from our once chance meeting in the train station weeks ago.

We chilled, he had to pack for his canoe trip. We smoked a J, chatted and joked. I moved closer, he rested his arm on mine. Very, very mild flirting on his part which I am not used to, but loved. He kept me guessing...

We kissed, tenderly. You can tell he had braces when he was a teenager because his lips have that sort of mild duck-like look to them where they don't entirely rest against the teeth and it makes for wicked tender soft kissing.

It was all a little more sweet and tender then I am used to. But I liked it.

I stayed as long as I could before the train stopped for the night. A huge thunderstorm blew in. He walked me to the subway anyway and we got soaked! It was wet and romantic and smelled like cherry blossoms and rain.
I kissed him at the subway station and I felt his hesitance. He said, "See you later!"
I gave him a LOOK over my shoulder and bounced down the stairs confidant that he would call me again.
Right?

Union Station, 3 PM
I met Surf on a dating website. I meet a lot of people that way. We've been chatting for maybe 3 weeks now, almost daily and I am growing very fond of him indeed!

This is VERY uncharacteristic of me. I am often amused by the men that I meet but I have only ever grown fond of one other one. And I was fucking relieved when that ended.

I'm not ready for another long term relationship. I am loving being single and meeting so many interesting people. I love the possibility of sex occurring even though I do NOT sleep around. Just the IDEA that it COULD happen excites me...
I have told every guy I have dated that there is no chance of a REAL meaningful relationship with me and that if I suspected they ever had feelings for me then I would bail.

And that I have done.

I feel almost nothing for these guys. Amusement and fun.

Surf makes me feel a hint of maybe perhaps being capable of wanting more. Wow!

Surf is average height, average weight with brown hair, blue eyes and a big smile. He is much more reserved than I am. He is a complex character which was part of my initial attraction to him.

Speaking to Surf in written chat alone had been a series of misunderstandings. I would have met up with him after our first few chats but he's wanted to take it slow. I was taken with him almost immediately. He somehow even convinced me to add him to my facebook which I reserve for family and friends only!
His pics were cute. Slightly awkward lad meets hardcore snowboarder. I adore his serious face and seemingly playful nature.

I like that he implies that he thinks I am attractive but emphasizes that he is attracted to my personality the most. I think he actually means it...

We met for the first time over a week ago quite by chance. We were both in Union Station at the same time, waiting for the same train. He was standing with his brother having just come from a baseball game (we lost) . He looked slightly dishevelled but I recognized him straight away. I wondered whether or not to say hello; whether I'd look like a creeper but I brushed that thought aside and walked up to them. I circled around the two of them, clearing my throat in a playful manner. It took him a minute but it finally clicked in his head who I was and he smiled. I introduced myself to his brother and then to him. I wanted to kiss his cheek but I hesitated and shook his hand. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT.

We chatted for about 2 minutes, where you been, how was the game talk. then the train pulled in and I quickly said goodbye. I walked to the other side of the platform and leaned against a pillar to wait for my train. I put my gigantic earphones back on to block out the rest of the world and soak in the moment. My heart was racing in my chest and I realised that the chemistry was nuts. I put my hand up to my chest to feel it pounding and realised I was grinning from ear to ear. I looked around the pillar at this point, literally still hand on heart and Surf and his brother were standing right behind me. I almost died. I pulled my earphones off and he explained that he was so out of it they almost went the wrong way.

So, we had a further 10-15 minutes of chatter (me chattering mostly, of course) before we got to their stop. We said our goodbyes and before he got off, he took my hand and held it just that little bit longer. {swoon}

I was on a giddy high for ages. I was on my was to D's to pick up a 20 bag. When I told him about Surf he was unimpressed. D is a dick.

I've just come in from another messed up adventure with D. My heart is still racing.

I should start at the beginning...

D was the first guy I 'messed around' with after I split with my husband. We met through mutual friends and D offered his cuddling services one night when I was feeling very down and missing my X.
I SHOULD EMPHASIZE THAT THIS WAS MEANT TO BE STRICTLY CUDDLES ONLY. However, D being a guy and me being insatiable horny all the time, one thing lead to another and eventually I found myself involved in a dom/sub relationship with a 23 year old boy I wouldn't even let kiss me.

I was never attracted to D. He could be a good looking guy if he took better care of himself. 6'4, 200 pounds, Jewish and obsessed with shady business deals and internet porn sales, D smokes pot from the time he wakes up, to the time he goes to bed. And he looks it. He also lives like a frat boy. His apartment is littered with the sad remnants of take out sushi boxes, empty discarded crisp packets and drug paraphernalia.

Although I wouldn't classify what went down with D as a 'relationship', he seems to have built it all up in his mind into something much more special that it ever could have been.

Tonight I agreed to meet with D (which I have been avoiding as he has a nasty habit of calling me derogatory fat names and attempting to touch me inappropriately) because the X wanted a half ounce of weed and D could hook me up.

So, 10 pm, I'm happily chatting to Surf (more about him later) when D sends me a txt to tell me he's here to pick me up and that we'll go for an ice cream. So I run out of the flat NOT at ALL dressed for public, head freshly shaved (AGAIN, I'll explain in another blog!) thinking we're going to hit a McDonalds drive through for a McFlurry or some shit.

D then informs me that we are going to a movie instead. Drag Me To Hell. How oddly fitting in retrospect... We smoked a massive cannon on the way there which made it laughable. Anyway, throughout the movie he continues to tell me how horny he is and how he misses holding me. He begs me to tell him what he can do to get me back.

I tell him he never had me.

So we make the drug exchange in the parking lot of the theatre after the movie. I take out a small amount for myself (SHH! The X doesn't need to know, after all, I AM doing him a solid here!) and shove the rest of the weed into my Sennheiser Earphone bag which I am currently rocking as a purse.

5 minutes later, wouldn't you know it! Flashing blue lights. D was doing 32km over the speed limit. And I am holding a half O of someone else's weed.

'Stay cool girl, stay cool. This cop has no reason to search you if you stay cooool..' my inner voice calms me...

D got a ticket for speeding and another for not having his insurance sticker on his licence plate. $300 bones.

I guess he figured, bad night, in for a penny, in for a pound. On the rest of the way home he tells me that he is very much in love with me. He can't stop thinking about holding me. I am so pretty...

I feel nothing. Mild pity at best.

"I'm sorry D. If you really feel that way... I think you're misplacing your feelings because I opened up a new world sexually for you. But you can easily put yourself out there and find a girl who WANTS to do those things with you..."

"You have nothing to be sorry for. Don't worry about it..." [PAUSE] "Ahh... another successful evening!"

To which I burst out laughing.

I high tailed it out of the car at this point, happy to have not been busted with someone else's weed and even more happy to get out of this awkward situation.

{sigh}

I'm a girl.
A girl who used to weigh 350 pounds.

I started gaining weight when I was quite young. I have never as an adult been a normal size.
Until now.

I never suffered from low self esteem. I was always confidant, extroverted and popular.

I was the fat girl people used to say would be so pretty if she just lost a little weight.

Fuckers. I thought I was pretty anyway.

Anyway, last year I decided to lose the weight. I had a gastric bypass May 25th, 2008. I lost 60 pounds in the months leading up to the operation by learning about food and exercise. yep, I was clueless.

It's an odd coincidence that after I'd lost the majority of the weight we up and moved from the UK to Canada (where I am originally from) where I have made a fresh start. So my new friends never knew me when I was fat...

People treat me differently now. Only someone who was as fat as I was can understand what it's like to be stared at but never really SEEN for who you are. I dreamed and wished my whole life to be a normal size.

I got my wish and more.

Shortly after we moved to Canada, my relationship with my husband ended. It was 2 years on the coming and I have no regrets. I am single for the first time in 8 years.

I started dating almost straight after we split. It's been 5 months since the break up and I have seen probably 30 guys (and 1 girl) in that time. I have been told near enough daily that I look like a specific famous blond. I get asked out by men all the time now so I know that people think that I am good looking. But I STILL don't feel like people truly see ME. It's like it went from one extreme to the other. Why is it always about the way we look when the way we look is always changing?

Anyway,

This blog is how I am going to keep track the men, my life, my weight, my goals and what kind of person I am becoming. Because being desirable changes you.