I didn't hear from Surf AT ALL Sunday. I've been preparing myself for the end, mentally saying my goodbyes. Over and over in my head I repeated, HES JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. No big deal. Doesn't make me a shitty person or anything, just means I'm not for him.

But the chemistry! OMG he has to feel it too!

And then yesterday he messaged me on msn from work. We had some pretty open dialogue which, with Surf, can be very unproductive normally as he tends to 'dissappear' before answering, and then 'forget' to answer questions that are too 'deep'. I think maybe Surf is trying very hard to not like me :)

Here's where things got good.

BLAH BLAH BLAH TEASING ARGUMENT...

ME: don't talk to me then :P

SURF: YOU HAVE NOTHING FUN TO TALK ABOUT> YOU SUCK IN BED> YOU DRESS LIKE AN OLD MAN! WERE THROUGH!

ME: lol dress like an old man eh? pthh!

SURF: haha, i was trying to think of your opposites

ME: LOL you're being too nice today

SURF: sorry

ME: quit it or I'll think you more than tolerate me ;) Ill get a fat head

SURF: I love fucking you, you make the sexiest sounds. You're fucking gorgeous. I lose myself talking to you. You're the coolest girl i've ever met. you want me to stop right?

ME: no. I want you to mean it.

SURF: i did mean that

ME: well wtf!

SURF: im trying to be the guys you keep meeting that don't like to see what happens. hopefully you haven't ran off yet.

ME: what do you mean?

SURF: i don't know i guess. im trying to be normal?

ME: you lost me somewhere... if you like me so much why do you drive me so crazy?.....i think about you all the time and all I get from you is that you do NOT like me that way!

SURF: i drive everyone close to me crazy. remember?

ME: lol if you're fucking with me... it isn't nice

SURF: im not fucking with you but clearly i've confused you so i'll stop.

ME: I think you are the one whos confused :)

SURF: i won't argue that, im just sharing my confusion

ME: good cus I can probably get through another week of you avoiding me on the comps youve given me today

SURF: k good. talk to you in a week

ME: lol noooooooooooooooo

SURF: toodles

ME: I don't like not talking to you for a day, ur clearly crazy

SURF: you're begining to sound all mushy

ME: says you!

SURF: im going for a run

ME: ?

THE END!!

That was yesterday afternoon at about 5:45. We haven't communicated in any way since then.

ARGH this guy! He over thinks everything! He definately seems to have some mild personality disorder, which, to be fair, he DID try to explain to me when we met.

He's not like anyone I've ever know in some ways.

And in other ways I see my usual pattern of being attracted to introverted geeks with mild social issues.

But I CARE about him! I don't just want to fuck him and I don't just want to be friends with him and it isn't some odd combination of best friend fuck buddy like the pilot. I feel fiercely protective of Surf, sort of, like I want to actually understand how he feels make him happy. I care how he feels. It's such a weird feeling.

I'm not used to this! I've always been a person lacking in a lot of empathy and in some ways, compassion, but since I ended my relationship with G I've felt less and less emotion. I've been oblivious to men developing feelings and hurt a few despite meaning well because I could NOT reciprocate the feelings.

I'd rather feel a broken heart then feel nothing at all.

On paper it makes no sense but there it is.

I like this boy.

I've learned a little about Surfs games and how to not lose at them. I have to wait for him to contact me and there's a 98% chance he will NOT mention anything from out last conversation. And to be honest I LIKE where this is slowly going...

Despite this, I went on a date last night with a guy I met on an online dating site a few DAYS ago. It was funny but everyone we know is dry for weed right now but this guy has a hook up right near me so I asked if he could hook me up for G who had told me that day he was almost out. So esentially I hooked up my X with someone I went on a date with.

Anyway, he met me at Sarie and Lo Lo's as we were finishing off a bottle of slovakian plum brandy which tasted nothing like brandy and a lot like tequila.

JL came in and met the girls. He's cute but his voice is SO HOT. Sexy... anyway, he had a few shots with us and then we went to this cute, ancient 24 hour cafe I go to and had a drink and some sweet potatoe fries.

We ended up chilling on the lakeshore at a place he knows well, AND APPARENTLY I DO TOO as it's 100% visable from my flat!!! Like if anyone was looking out my 42nd floor window and KNEW where to look they could have seen us, chilling, chatting, losing so much time...

He's a great guy. Normal, fun, hinted at some naughtyness with the police in highschool but otherwise, lovely.

Do I want to touch his junk? No, not really.

Wait, come to think of it, I haven't WANTED to touch ANYONES junk since I met Surf! I mean, I HAVE obviously with Reiki guy and the x and etc. but I haven't WANTED to in the way I do with Surf where even thinking about it overwhelms me and all I can think about is how good he feels...

What was I talking about again?