Oh Surf!

We got to chatting on Msn yesterday. He said he felt like I'd be avoiding him (online). I suppose I had been. Mostly because our conversations are so broken and pointless as he's at work and I'm home with the kid so whats the point? We usually end up making things worse rather than better.

But yesterday we had a good chat. We even switched it up and used the web cam. He's so fucking sexy on cam, at work, me talking, him listening on earphones and typing his responses.

But before that, we made some headway:

SURF: what's the problem. why the big drama ITS OVER thing
ME: it wasn't drama. you took it that way. for me it was just a 'peace out'
SURF: your actions say different from your words to me
ME: you keep trying to get me involved emotionally, tell you secrets, etc
SURF: peace out I don't want to fuck you? peace out you suck get out of my life? I never understood what you were trying to do
ME: I'm not good at that and can't see the point
ME: I was saying goodbye
SURF: why? you made me feel like I failed you somehow or upset you.
SURF: I was so confused
ME: aww muffin!
SURF: I tried to talk to my brother about this to see if he could make sense of it. He told me it sounded like things are totally fucked and I should walk away.
ME: yes, LO LO (told me the same thing) too
SURF: so both our friends give shit advice
ME: I don't know what you think is going to happen here though. I keep trying to talk to you about it, cus whatever we have IS going to end
ME: or change
SURF: that's fine
ME: well, talking about it helps me prepare...
SURF: let nature takes it course. why are external influences dictating this crap?

THIS BOY IS CONFUSING! But he think I AM!?

SURF: so because I had my phone downstairs charging you decided to peace out?
ME: not entirely, the phone, the facebook message
SURF: which I didn't get until the next day (I SENT IT SATURDAY, HE READ IT MONDAY!?)
ME: the fact that I clearly am more involved in this than you are
ME: a lot of stuff
ME: and I thought you didn't care
ME: at all
ME: so why would it make a difference
SURF: if your too involved and my involvement isn't enough for you then there lies the problem.
ME: yes
ME: but
ME: not really cus even if you wanted more, I don't.
ME: I just like liking you. I've not liked anyone for a long time and its reminded me that I CAN! I was a little worried I'd used up all those feelings
SURF: I've met people who are mentally fucked. socio path, other mental disorders. you don't have them. you're just so complicated I feel like you're a martian sometimes.
ME: wtf THAT'S YOU, not me!
SURF: NEGATIVE
ME: LMAO
SURF: well.
ME: uhhh yeah
SURF: yea me too
ME: hahah jesus! I'm straight up! how am I complicated??
SURF: like me, your words differ from your actions

{sigh}
He teased me with thoughts of him staying in the city this weekend (he is with his family at some gathering up north) but it was only a tease. I know he's as keen as I am to just see eachother, make up etc. That's a good feeling.

I went on a trip with my Brazilian again last night. We met up with a guy I met on a Toronto personal ads for friends who want to trip out together. He didn't have any MDMA so he sold us some mushrooms and some super wicked awesome weed.

We went to an art gallery (a friend of the Brazilians) and enjoyed the art. Then we went to the park and ate the mushrooms. They were so gross just the taste alone made me decide I was unlikely to ever eat them again.

But then they kicked in! Man are mushrooms high and lo! One minute the world is amazing, the next you're paranoid or focusing on something stupid, like how f-ing cold it was last night despite is being 'summer' in Canada!

Anyway, we went to Lo Lo, Sarie and Marcys and danced there for awhile before my Brazilian got a little too tripped out and I had to go find him. Then we all met up with ANOTHER friend of mine and rocked out at 751 (a club a friend of ours DJ'S at) for a few hours.

Marcy and I had some great, movie moments last night. We used to get on like a house on fire but I think I stopped trying to get on with him and we no longer have that great back and forth. I was on mushrooms though so I was a dynamite social butterfly. on my best behaviour and flirting like a mad thing.

It was a great night all around. I didn't have anything more to drink then water, which feels good and this morning there are no after effects from the mushrooms. Just a good body feeling from dancing like a mad thing for hours...